So, you have firmly decided - I want to leave my wife. We will talk about the reasons a little later, but now we will highlight the most basic points. If you remember them, the separation will be less painful for each party. It is possible that you will even be able to maintain human relationships.
Be consistent
The worst thing that can happen in the process of breaking up is constant tossing and turning. First the husband leaves, then returns, begs on his knees for forgiveness from his wife, and then again remembers what pushed him to take this step. These tossing slowly but surely burns love out of a woman’s heart, tormenting her and making her nervous and irritable.
So be consistent. If you decide to leave, then first think carefully about all the circumstances, how you will live, how you will arrange your life and other little things. And only then announce your departure.
Talk to yourself first and make these decisions. If you are sure that it is necessary to leave or that it is impossible to stay together, then leave and do not torture either yourself or her.
How to build a conversation
Perhaps your wife feels that your behavior has changed, you are moving away from her. But still, suspicions are one thing, and conversation is completely different. And even in this case, this news will be a shock for her.
Or it may be that she didn’t even think about such a development of events. This is possible for various reasons: she was raised in such conditions that divorce is impossible, but she must save the marriage with all her might; she is too concentrated on work or everyday problems that she does not notice anything around her. In any case, she will have questions, the answers to which you should prepare in advance.
Why?
This is the first question that arises in such a situation. Answer this for yourself first. Situations are different, but in some it turns out that essentially nothing will change, just the woman next to you will change. Whether it is worth leaving in such a situation is up to you to decide. One can hope that it will be better elsewhere, but this hope is weak.
I'm leaving because I have no strength
“I'm leaving because I can't cope. Our child has been seriously ill for six months now. And it’s not a fact that he will get better,” that’s what Nara’s husband said when he was tired of their wanderings around hospitals. Their son was born with multiple pathologies of internal organs. Initially, the doctors didn’t give him a chance; they said that he wouldn’t be able to breathe on his own. But for six months now, Misha and his mother have been fighting for their lives. He breathes on his own, has already undergone 4 operations and still has a long way to go. But my husband decided that it was too difficult for him. He and his wife decided that when Misha had the main operation and his prospects for a full life became clearer, his husband would leave.
Now you can start clicking your tongue or talking about the moral principles of Nara’s husband (yes, in this story we didn’t even give him a fictitious name), but the fact remains: in most families with a seriously ill child, husbands leave. Because it’s easier not to watch all this horror.
She's better than you, she's amazing!
Or you have a mistress who is better than his wife in all respects. If the wife is irritated, disheveled and tired, then the mistress is always affectionate and friendly, neat and friendly. If the house is a mess, which children create at an incredibly fast speed, then the mistress, who does not have children of her own, is always clean and comfortable. And in everything she is better than her wife.
“You are an amazing mother, the best mother in the world. You are a wonderful designer, our home is very beautiful. You are beautiful. But I don’t want to live with you,” Andrei said to Yulia and left her for Alice. Very quickly, Andrei and Alisa got married and had a child. But at some point, Andrei saw that Alice and Yulia had too much in common: the house was in chaos, toys ended up in the most surprising places, and Alice did not always have enough time to take care of herself as before.
We don’t know all the circumstances of Andrei’s life with Yulia, but at first glance it seems that he returned to where he escaped from. And Yulia’s child has grown up and no longer throws toys around, but helps her mother create and maintain comfort at home.
She's pregnant...
A man must marry a woman who is expecting a child from him. And it doesn't matter if he's already married. Or the wife is expecting a child. It happens that men leave their pregnant wife for their pregnant mistress. The situation, of course, is extremely slippery and unpleasant. Here every man must answer himself honestly: to whom does he owe more? Legal spouse or mistress?
And the most offensive thing is that this situation could not have been allowed to happen. But we won’t talk about this this time. You probably know everything yourself.
I'm sick of…
Continue the sentence. What exactly are you tired of? There are problems at work, but your wife not only does not support, but only demands, demands and demands? Is she constantly dissatisfied with everything, dissatisfied even with the fact that she herself is dissatisfied?
Formulate it clearly, point by point. And tell her. If you are sure that if you just talk to her and discuss these points, she still won’t change, then it makes sense to leave. But if you have never tried to discuss with her something that doesn’t suit you, then maybe it’s too early to leave? If your feelings are still alive and you value your wife, then give both of you a chance. Talk, discuss. Give you a trial period, for example 1 month. If after a month absolutely nothing has changed, then you leave, and if there is at least a slight positive dynamic, then you will continue to work on your relationship.
We are too different
You are a night owl, I am a morning person, I love fried potatoes, but for you this is the main enemy of a slim figure. I would drink beer with friends in the evening, and you drag me to the theater. And shopping trips with you are stuck in my liver! We are generally too different!
Have you always been different or have you just become this way now? Surely before this you were simply trying to get along with each other, but then such a desire disappeared. The fact that you are different is not a reason for breaking up a relationship, but a consequence of deeper contradictions or accumulated fatigue. When you find the true cause of the problems that have arisen, you can decide whether a conversation with your spouse will help or there is nothing left to talk about. But nevertheless, the reason for divorce “they didn’t get along” is quite common.
What didn't suit you?
This is another question that usually arises in a woman's mind at the beginning of a conversation. The answer to this follows from the reasons that prompted you to leave. Think through verbatim what you will say to your wife, so that the emotions that inevitably arise in the conversation do not prevent you from saying everything you wanted.
This question is asked, rather, out of a feeling of hopelessness and does not always require an answer. This is a rhetorical question that is asked somewhere into infinity, into the universe. Therefore, when it dawned on him, it was time to stop talking and leave. Then there will be only emotions.
Are you really leaving?
Of course, she finds it difficult to believe that this is happening. And it's even harder to accept. Therefore, when the conversation comes to such questions, there is nothing left to talk about. Yes, you're leaving. Yes, right now. And leave right now. Take only what you need, you will take the rest of the things later. Now give her time to think about everything she heard herself, draw conclusions and comprehend what happened. Don't call or write, even if you're worried. Moreover, if you are worried about her, then why leave. Or are you driven not by concern, but by guilt? Don't confuse these feelings.
Safety precautions
Once you start a conversation, it is difficult to predict in advance how it will go and how it will end. You know your wife and you know what she is capable of. So consider:
- when will you talk? She should be calm and balanced at this moment;
- will you talk? A restaurant or any other public place is the most inappropriate place for this. The fewer witnesses there are, the better and simpler;
- where do you start? The first phrase is very important, it will let her know that the conversation is going to be serious;
Don't start this conversation in the bedroom. No matter what happens to you, the bedroom is a place of relaxation and enjoyment; - You shouldn’t talk in the kitchen either, especially if your wife is impulsive and abrupt. There are too many breakables;
- Are you ready right now to take a minimum of things with you and leave?
- It is you who should leave, because you are the initiator of the breakup. Even if you share this apartment during a divorce, you should still give her time to comprehend what is happening in silence.
When you start a conversation, control yourself and don't let your emotions get the better of you. Be prepared for the fact that she won't be able to handle hers. So no matter what she says, you:
- don't insult;
- do not mention her mother or any other relatives in the conversation, they have nothing to do with it;
- don't say what you didn't mean to say;
- do not give in to her emotions, most likely she wants to hurt you as much as possible;
- do not forget why you started the conversation, even if she presses for pity;
- speak now and only now, you should not return to this conversation in the future. So either say it now, or forget you were going to say it;
- stand your ground to the end, be consistent;
- Do not let go of your hands under any circumstances, you never know what she says out of emotion.
Of course, the separation process cannot be called painless, but you can make it less painful.
“Why doesn’t he leave his wife?” - This is a question often asked to psychologists by lovers who are exhausted by waiting. Really, why? After all, he says that he has stopped loving his wife, that he loves his new girlfriend, that he cannot live without her... At the same time, he continues the life of the “autumn marathon runner Buzykin,” feeding his beloved with promises and... remains in the family. And this goes on for years...
still from the film "Autumn Marathon"
“Why doesn’t he leave his wife?” - This is a question often asked to psychologists by lovers who are exhausted by waiting. Really, why? After all, he says that he has stopped loving his wife, that he loves his new girlfriend, that he cannot live without her... At the same time, he continues the life of the “autumn marathon runner Buzykin,” feeding his beloved with promises and... remains in the family. And this goes on for years...
List of excuses
It's actually simple. In order for everything to remain the same, the man has good reasons. They are all standard and predictable.
1. The wife became different: she stopped taking care of herself and became unattractive. There has been nothing connecting him and his wife for a long time; they are strangers and simply coexist. Of course, they haven't slept together for a long time.
In fact, this is a lie. In ninety percent of cases, the wife is a normal, attractive woman, with whom he calmly continues to live a normal life. Yes, sex does not happen as often as before, because he is somewhat bored with it, but still he performs “marital duties” as before. It is known that a man needs novelty. A new girlfriend becomes a cure for boredom: she excites him, warms his blood, with her he feels in demand, courageous, desired, and feels young.
2. The wife does not look after the house, children, and neglects household responsibilities. She is only interested in her friends and work.
In fact, in most cases, everything is fine in the family: there is a three-course dinner in the refrigerator, the apartment is cleaned, the children are well-groomed. We all know that modern women try to keep up on all fronts: they go to work, earn money, and in the evenings they work at home, prepare food, and look after their children.
3. “My wife is sick, I’m afraid to upset her. She won’t stand my leaving, it will finish her off.”
Oh, these songs about a sick wife... In fact, the wife is alive and well. If you want to see this, look for her page on social networks.
4. “I only live with her because of the children.”
This may be true. Although having children will not stop most men from getting a divorce if they actually decide to leave the family. You can be a good father even after a divorce.
5. “I’ll get a divorce when the child graduates from school, college, gets a job, gets married, gets married...” (fill in as necessary).
The wait for a child to achieve this or that can last for years or even decades. The child has grown up a long time ago, but things are still there, new reasons are being invented.
6. Your lover must be sent on an important business trip (promoted, etc.), and a divorce will prevent this.
“Not a single man who has a mistress told her that his wife is very good, satisfies him in bed, and is at the same time a good mother and housewife,” says psychologist Victoria Fadeeva. - No one! The psyche of men is designed in such a way that they do not like change, and change their lives only in one case: if they are completely dissatisfied with life with a woman. If a man doesn’t want to change anything, it means only one thing – that he’s happy with everything. There is no other option. If your loved one does not consider it necessary to change anything, it means that they have much more in common with their wife than with you. Each of you plays your roles in this performance. The most profitable role went to your man. You satisfy many of his needs, he has romantic sex, a fairy tale, novelty of sensations, satisfied pride and the ability to control the situation, since at any moment he can get up and leave, citing the fact that his “unloved” wife is waiting for him. But at home he receives satisfaction of a different order, and this “other” is no less important to him than yours. And perhaps more, since he worries about his wife’s psychological comfort, but not about yours. Your beautiful story about how he doesn’t love his wife is your vision of the situation. This is your perspective. You don’t see their relationship, you don’t watch them from the outside, you don’t live that family life...”
He's cozy and comfortable
Why would he, in fact, ruin his life and go somewhere? He has everything: a well-established life, a house, children. When he comes home from work, his family greets him and rejoices. On weekends and holidays, the whole family goes to their parents or goes with the children to a museum or skating rink. Everything is fine with them.
Yes, the man is somewhat bored with family sex, it has become prosaic, it lacks sharpness and novelty. But that's what a mistress is for. She is always waiting, always happy, always ready. She carefully prepares for each date: she puts on makeup, combs her hair, and dresses smartly. Her eyes sparkle, she serves a beautiful dinner, then violent sex with passions takes place. Everything is wonderful! Why should he change anything? Why should he destroy his established life and set off on a “new voyage” with many unknowns?..
Family is not only sex, love, romance
Family is something more. This is a common life, friendship, trust, support. This is a history of relationships, common memories, a single circle of friends, multiple family and friendly ties. Finally, this is a long-term habit. Having a family, a man has a strong social position. To give it up means to find yourself in emptiness. And this is a very difficult feeling.
In addition... How to divide property during a divorce: apartment, car, dacha, garage and much more? Who will the children stay with? After all, they have to pay alimony, and this is a serious burden on the budget. Too many problems pile up, the man turns away from them, he doesn’t need them.
Of course, coming up with reasons why he cannot leave the family, the man realizes that he is deceiving his mistress. This makes it hard for him, he worries in his soul. Then he begins to deceive himself: “Someday later I will do it. Definitely...” He comes up with some deadlines for himself and constantly pushes them back. Now it seems to him that he is not deceiving anyone, but for some reason objective circumstances are getting in the way.
What should the other woman do?
For example, set a condition in front of him: “Get a divorce or it’s all over!” But this can only be done when passions are still strong, when they seethe and boil. During this period, a man is in love, he lost his head from attraction and novelty. This usually happens in the first year of a relationship. And then the usual routine begins to creep up. Even if the relationship continues to exist, it becomes more mundane, ordinary, and is no longer as exciting.
Therefore, if the beloved really understood that this is the man of her life and wants to be with him until the end, then she must set him a condition and a strict deadline: “If you want to be with me, first get a divorce. Now go away. I give you two months to make a decision and do everything. Otherwise it’s over and don’t come back.” And close the door behind him. Do not answer calls, text messages, delete him from your contacts. Unless a woman can stand the separation and breaks down and lets him in again - all is lost. The man will understand that she will always forgive and accept him. Such a relationship can drag on for years and ruin a woman’s life. She will lose several years, grow old, and become rancid. It may take a lot of time to restore peace of mind.
According to statistics, 85 percent of unfaithful husbands do not intend to leave their family, says psychologist Natalya Mikhailova. Other experts give the following figure: only 12% of unfaithful husbands divorce their wives and marry their mistresses. It turns out that only one out of seven or eight men is ready to start building a new life for the sake of their beloved.
“Statistics show that if a man does not change anything in his life within a year from the start of romantic encounters, then with a 99% probability he does not want to build a relationship with this mistress,” continues Victoria Fadeeva. - A love story lasting more than a year is unlikely to have a serious continuation. What to do? Change your behavioral script. Stop being "nice". Claim your rights, set boundaries, set conditions. If your man truly values you, he will accept responsibility for making decisions and stop living in two houses. Having set the conditions, be consistent, do not compromise, think about yourself and your future.”
Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru
I am the mistress of a married man. The relationship developed gradually, like teenagers. Intimate relationships appeared only six months later. Everything is so harmonious with us. He was always on his own (before me). I never discussed my emotions with anyone. I'm such a psychologist myself. He opened up to me, we talk a lot, drink tea, and cook together. After a year of such a relationship, naturally, I began to wonder what was next. We sat down, talked, cried and decided that we needed to separate and get over it. He cannot get a divorce: 18 years of marriage, two children - a sense of duty, in general. We suffered for 2.5 months. He lost a fair amount of weight and even turned grey. It was blacker than night (we work together - we tried not to cross paths). Then they got back together again. We can't live without each other. We love you very much. We really love it - we checked it. But he says he can’t get a divorce. In general, he and I have constant doubts. Sometimes he himself says that we will be together and there will be children, and sometimes he says that he will not leave his family. Now we are discussing again what to do. But we can’t find a solution. What to do? A? Help.
Lera, Ukraine, 30 years old / 02/20/16
Our experts' opinions
Alyona
Lera, self-deception is a great power. No one can deceive us better than ourselves. For “ah, it’s not difficult to deceive me, I myself am glad to be deceived.” This is a classic. And what happens to you is also a classic. And your married lover also acts classically, as in the unwritten, unofficial encyclopedias of lovers and mistresses. You can, for example, watch the video of “Quartet I” to sober up - finding their “What to say to your mistress” on Youtube will not be difficult. Of course, a “sense of duty” does not allow your man to leave the family. How else. It is because of this sense of duty that he runs to the left, spends his free time on you, which, obviously, only a developed sense of duty does not allow him to spend on two children (God bless her, with his wife). It is the sense of duty that forces him to spend money on his mistress rather than invest in his family. But seriously: try to soberly assess the situation and understand that they marry the women they love no matter what. And no 18 years of marriage and a couple of children would have become an obstacle if you really were so exceptional, such an outlet, next to whom he finally became himself, opened up. But no. You're not like that. You are just a convenient girl with whom you can solve some of your problems. And why not play along with you so that you feel special and start dreaming of a better life than being near him. As for gray hair, I’ll tell you a terrible secret: everyone turns gray with age. And men too. And your lover, I suspect, is already over 40. So nothing surprising. Have you lost weight? How do you know that it is because of worries about you, and not for other reasons? Never take the word of a man who deceives the people closest to him: his wife and children. Only a real fool can think that this lie is only for “that” family, and nothing like that can happen to them. They are lying to you. Right now. And you are wasting your life like the last idiot.
Sergey
Lera, as an adult, you should have already come to the idea that in terms of relationships, “I can’t” is just a convenient form of “I don’t want,” nothing more. And the person who says this is just looking for a reason not to change anything in the current situation. Why? Yes, because everything suits him. After all, your blackened, gray-haired dystrophy is now all “in chocolate.” There is an official family, children, an established circle of friends, a familiar way of life. He also has a mistress with whom he can realize some additional “left” desires that cannot be satisfied in the family. That is, he has everything for a comfortable life. And the only thing that makes the uncle worry is the “itching” that has begun in this very mistress, who wants to destroy the entire idyll. Here you will inevitably lose weight. After all, he naturally does not intend to leave his family anywhere. Destroying what is existing and building something new is, you know, a pleasure below average, and the uncle is no longer a boy and understands perfectly well that emotional impulses on the theme “I renounce everything, choose love” are the lot of teenagers who have nothing to lose at all , or well-to-do aristocrats, who, if they lose anything, then, firstly, it is not critical for the general welfare, and secondly, they immediately receive dividends from public opinion. No, of course, and among ordinary people there are many determined individuals who are ready to destroy anything for the sake of their own happiness. But for this you need to be sure that there will be happiness, and really love your partner madly, and even better, if in the previous family everything has already collapsed by itself and there is still no life there. In your case, the man has neither confidence in your future together, nor, as I understand it, special love. And there is no need to talk about the fact that behind him there are only ruins. I wouldn’t even be surprised if his wife “neither dreams nor spirits” about your relationship and how bad everything is for them. In this regard, I personally would advise you to end the relationship as soon as possible and even change your job to avoid relapses. Otherwise, you will only waste both time and nerves completely in vain. Alas, even if you manage to take a man away from your family through some kind of blackmail, nothing meaningful will most likely come of it. Firstly, because meeting on neutral territory and living together permanently are two huge differences. Romance passes quickly, and what remains is everyday life, which is not so easy to establish at your age. Everyone has their own habits, views, opinions on any matter. And changing them to please someone is very difficult. Therefore, in life together, “little things” will inevitably appear, such as the distribution of responsibilities in your home, “grinding in of character” will begin, and there will be the first quarrels. You will probably start talking about children, and the man will try to lead them aside, because he already has offspring, he knows how much hassle they are and how expensive they are, and therefore he will not rush to replenish the zoo. You will begin to “stress” about this, and the discord will intensify. Yes, and relatives and friends will initially organize a “boycott”, which is why there will be no one even to “cry” to your friend. That is, there will be negligible joy and fun, but there will be a lot of problems. And your roommate may suddenly really want to go back to their familiar surroundings. He will start visiting the children, then he will start staying there at night. Then the environment will “put pressure”, they say, stop fooling around, return to your family. And as a result, you will cry again in the kitchen, after which the man will happily jump under his wife’s wing, and you will be left to collect the broken dishes. For what? No, of course, everyone is free to ruin their life in their own way. However, try to think with your head before getting involved with a man who not only has a “long tail” in the form of children whom he will have to support, visit, and take to the sea, but is also very unscrupulous in terms of family relationships. After all, he is now deceiving his wife, running to you. Why do you think he won't repeat this to you?
Spouses separate for various reasons: someone meets another person on their life's path who, as it seems to him, suits him better, for someone the other half becomes a burden. In any case, it is extremely important to leave on a positive note, because for many years the person you want to leave was the one closest to you. There is no need to cause him severe suffering and pain. Today we propose to talk about it from the wife, and do it in such a way as to maintain warm human relations.
Keep it consistent
Psychologists say: the most disgusting and terrible thing that can happen in the process of separation is endless tossing and turning. The husband then leaves, then returns again, begs for forgiveness on his knees, and then again remembers what exactly pushed him to take this difficult step. These tossings slowly but surely destroy love in a woman’s heart, torment her, make her irritable, nervous and aggressive. This is why it is very important to be consistent. If you decide to leave your family, think about all the circumstances: how and where you will live, how you will arrange your life. Only then announce your resignation.
How to build a conversation
It is likely that your spouse is well aware of changes in your behavior and mood. She notices that you are moving away from her. However, suspicions are one thing, and frank conversation is quite another. Even if she suspected anything, the news of your departure will be a shock to her. By the way, it is likely that your wife has never thought about this scenario. This could be for a variety of reasons: for example, she was raised in such a way that it was impossible to destroy the family, that the marriage should be saved by all means. She is probably simply focused on everyday problems, professional activities and does not notice what is happening around her. In any case, she will have a number of questions, the answers to which you must find in advance. How to leave your wife painlessly?
First of all, remember: ignoring calls and messages from your significant other, taking things out while she is not at home is the lot of cowards. You should carefully prepare for the conversation, choose the appropriate time and place, and under no circumstances raise your voice or make complaints. Calmly and gently, but firmly, you must voice your decision. Psychologists say: you can criticize your wife and tell her what she is bad at only if you hope to maintain a relationship with her. If you are determined to break up, this is completely useless.
Causes
How to leave your wife? Experts in the field of family relations say: the very first question that your woman will have is why. That's why you need to answer it for yourself. Situations can be very different, but it often turns out that essentially nothing will change, just the person who will be next to you will change. Is it worth leaving in such a situation? Of course, it's up to you to decide. You can hope that you will be better off in another place with another woman, but this hope is illusory and weak.
Lack of strength
Very often, family psychologists are faced with the fact that the husband leaves the family due to the fact that he simply cannot cope with any difficulties. For example, divorces very often occur in families with sick children. Of course, we can talk for a long time about the moral principles of such men, but the fact remains that in most families where there is a seriously ill child, husbands decide how to leave their wife. Because it’s easier for them not to watch their loved ones suffer.
She's better than you!
Why with your wife? Perhaps he has a mistress who, it seems to him, is better than his wife in all respects. It often happens that the wife looks irritated, tired and disheveled, while the mistress is always neat, affectionate and friendly. In addition, the house may be a mess, caused by children at cosmic speed, but for a mistress who has no children, the house is always clean and cozy. It seems that she is better than her wife in everything. True, having freed himself from the bonds of marriage with a boring wife and married his mistress, a man may notice that these young ladies have a lot in common: after the birth of a child, a mess appears at home, a new woman does not always have enough time to take care of herself.
When thinking about how to leave his wife for his mistress, a man must learn to distinguish love from passion and temptation. The point is that true love is intelligent, not blind. It is born from care and does not allow selfishness. Therefore, it is necessary to turn on your head and understand: is a new relationship a temptation in the form of a beautiful and attractive woman, a play of hormones, or is it still sincere feelings? Before such an important decision, you need to assume what awaits you ahead, whether passion is worth betrayal.
A cheating wife
What if the new feelings were dizzying not for you, but for your wife? Psychologists call cheating on a spouse one of the most painful blows to self-esteem that can hit a man in his entire life. It is almost impossible to forget that your beloved had an intimate life with another man. Of course, it’s worth trying to save the relationship, but what if this is impossible? How to leave a cheating wife?
Experts in the field of family relations recommend first understanding why your spouse went to the left. Offer to talk to her, create a favorable environment for this. Communicate your decision not to save the marriage after what happened as gently and correctly as possible. You should not shout at her, make claims, humiliate or insult her. It is important to understand: you are not the only person who has been betrayed, you can even learn something useful from this. If a woman cheated, most likely she did not love you, or she loved you, but her feelings passed. You have a chance to become happy again, but with a different person. Thank your fate, throw sad thoughts aside. Fate, in the form of an unfaithful wife, sends you a test that you can certainly cope with.
I'm sick of
How to decide to leave your wife if something doesn’t suit you? Try to decide what exactly you are unhappy with. Maybe you have a lot of problems at work, and your other half not only does not support you, but also constantly demands something? Maybe she is dissatisfied with everything, even with the fact that she herself is dissatisfied? Formulate everything very clearly, point by point. And tell your wife.
If you are sure that just talk and discuss these points, but nothing will change, it makes sense to leave. However, if you have never discussed with your wife what you are tired of or what does not suit you, maybe it is too early to leave? If your feelings are alive, if you value your relationship with your wife, try giving the two of you a chance. Discuss everything, set a trial period, for example, 1-2 months. If after this time nothing changes, then you should start thinking about how to leave your wife. But if you notice even a slight positive trend, just continue to work on your relationship.
"We are too different"
Often this phrase becomes the cause of a breakup. He is a night owl, she is a lark, he loves French fries, and for her this is one of the main enemies of a slim figure. He wants to drink beer with friends in the evening or spend time in the garage, she drags him to the theater. They are too different! Psychologists recommend thinking about: have you always been different or have you only become so now? It is likely that before you thought about how to leave your wife, you tried to find compromises with each other, make concessions, and then this desire disappeared. Just because people are different is not a reason to end a relationship. Rather, it can be called a consequence of deep internal contradictions or accumulated fatigue. What to do in such a situation? Try to find the true cause of the problem. Only after this will you be able to decide whether there is any point in talking to your wife or not.
“What didn’t suit you?”
Very often a woman asks her husband this question. That is why psychologists recommend preparing in advance and thinking through what you will say in response, so that the emotions that will certainly arise during the conversation do not prevent you from saying everything you want. Most often, this question is asked because of the feeling of hopelessness that appears in the heart of the woman you want to leave. This is why, when it comes to him, you should stop talking and walk away. Then there will be only emotions.
“Are you really leaving?”
Of course, it’s hard for your significant other to believe that this is really happening. And it’s even harder to accept all this. That is why after this question you should not try to explain something or talk about something. Yes, you're leaving. Yes, this decision was not easy for you, but you made it. Yes, you're leaving right now. Immediately after these words, you must take everything you need (you will take the rest of the things later) and leave. Let your wife think about what she heard, draw conclusions, and comprehend what happened. Do not write or call, even if you are worried. After all, if you were sincerely worried, you would hardly leave. Don't confuse anxiety with guilt.
What to do if there are children in the family?
Often a man wonders how to leave his wife if there is a child. First of all, it is important to understand that saving a family for the sake of a child is not worth it, because the atmosphere in the house affects everyone, including the baby. If you cannot live with your spouse, you not only suffer yourself and make your chosen one suffer, but also bring a lot of stress to your child, turning his life into hell.
Of course, leaving a family with a child is very difficult, but you should understand that people part as a man and a woman, and not as a mother and father. Divorce is not a reason to abandon a child, his upbringing and care for him. You will have to worry about building a relationship with your ex-wife in such a way that you both participate in raising the children.
Safety precautions
When you start a conversation about divorce, it is difficult to predict in advance how it will go and how it will end. Only you know your wife, you can imagine what actions she is capable of. This is why it is extremely important to think about where exactly you will be talking.
Restaurants and other public places are least suitable for such a conversation. The fewer witnesses, the easier it is. It is important to decide what words you will start with. It is the first phrase that should make the woman understand that a difficult, serious conversation is ahead. It is the man who must leave, because it is he who initiates the breakup. Even if later, during a divorce, you will share housing, you must give your woman time to comprehend what is happening alone. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you, be prepared for tears and hysterics, but don’t give in to a woman’s emotions and the hurtful words she says, because most likely she will try to hurt you as much as possible. In addition, a woman may begin to press for pity, so stand your ground to the end and be consistent, since you have made such a decision. Of course, the separation process cannot be called absolutely painless, but you can smooth out the rough edges.
This story goes on for about five years—quite a long time by today’s standards. Usually his name is Igor Stanislavovich. Despite his youth, he is an executive director, with a personal driver, with the right of financial signature, with the right to dine in the company of the main boss. According to his position, he must be a serious man, he has nothing against it and looks the part. We call him Gosha - twice a month, on Fridays, raising glasses to school friendship.
Gosha's wife, Nastya, his help and support
She gets up an hour earlier and makes breakfast for him because breakfast is the main meal of the day and he has a long day. He calls her “mother,” as is customary in the family, as his father called his wife—as if with rough tenderness, one might think. When seeing him off, she often puts some little thing in his pocket - candy, an elephant figurine, or just a coin for good luck. And he wonders why, having discovered the gift, he doesn’t show it, doesn’t say: “Thank you, mother.”The answer is this: Gosha is not sure that it is from her. It turns out terribly stupid: you find a cute trinket, you see in your wife’s eyes that she is expecting joy and gratitude, but you doubt: what if it’s still from her mistress? However, for unfaithful husbands, constant confusion is the norm.
I’ll tell you a secret: before calling his wife by name, the cheater is inclined to say the name to himself to make sure that now his lips won’t spontaneously say “Olechka” instead of “Irochka.” If, before asking you to iron your shirt, he looks at you for a second without blinking, he remembers your name. Not necessarily, yes, but quite likely.
So, at such moments, “Liza” tries to escape from Igor’s lips. She is bright, plump, but not shy about it, dances beautifully, values her independence, earns decent money and does not demand anything from him. It all started in a nightclub, continues at other people's dachas, on the seas during vacation, on weekends under the guise of urgent work and during the week when he and his wife are in a quarrel.
And then one day...
There must be a fatal twist, an unexpected trick, a turning point, otherwise no one will read further. But the fact of the matter is that in such stories nothing like this happens. All this goes on for years, without change on both fronts. Everything here is known and understandable. There is an exciting, but still unknown, where to rush? The worst thing that awaits him if the status quo is maintained is a stomach ulcer. It often comes from endless lies: to everyone, and most importantly - to yourself. However, this is not the only possible reason.Let's figure it out for Lisa. She is young, attractive, and everything is great with sex, not like in the family (in any case, he makes it clear that “there” everything has cooled down a long time ago). However, Lisa does not put pressure on Igor, as if letting him “ripe.” However, the status of a mistress itself is still not very pleasant: eternal secrets, never appearing together anywhere, the mother, having accidentally visited, declares her complete rejection of her beloved daughter’s lifestyle. But this one is silent and shows absolutely no initiative. Well, no hints of an imminent divorce and subsequent reunification of loving hearts. Why is that?
In fact, the harsh truth is this: Igor has no serious, compelling reasons to get a divorce. If you call a spade a spade, everything suits him. If so, why go to your mistress?
This is wildly unprofitable
“I once calculated: about a third of my salary is spent on my mistress,” admitted one friend. He sees the benefit: there is motivation to earn more.Yes, a mistress is a big expense, which is understandable: dates, dinners in cafes, flowers, lingerie, romantic trips and everything else.
But divorce is much more expensive! The gentleman must leave the apartment to his abandoned wife. However, even if you sell it and divide the money, the money will only be enough to pay off the mortgage loan, and not for another apartment. Alimony will eat up a quarter of a gentleman's entire income each month. You need to buy a car, and even if you share the common one, the money... In general, the same nonsense as with housing.
It’s okay if the new passion is the owner of a spacious apartment, where her two sons will allow you to live too. And if not? What if she has also collected loans and hopes for your help? What if she is a romantic and wants a wedding and a cruise? And, by the way, dinners in cafes, flowers, etc. are all valid, but for you it’s all just beginning. In short, a lot of expenses, a lot! We tick the box for saving the marriage.
Divorce is a disaster in the literal sense of the word. The world is collapsing. Scary. When friends were getting divorced, having lived 10 years since college, Marina asked: “How are we going to celebrate the holidays now?” Sasha was infuriated by this question, they say, she found something to grieve about. And I understand her.
Family is not only the relationship between a man and a woman, sex and romance. This is friendship, trust, support, memories, everyday life, a common circle of friends. Habit, finally, should not be underestimated. And leaving means losing it all and ending up in emptiness. And, yes, it is not clear with whom to celebrate the holidays: if they call Marina, Sasha does not come, and vice versa.
Not only those who are left behind, but also those who leave face emptiness. And this is a very bad feeling.
Children are a different story. One of the main arguments you hear from men who do not want to leave for their mistress. It is interesting that after a divorce, a man who stayed married for a long time “for the sake of the children” may disappear and not be interested in the child...
And what about love?
A very valid question. Moving from “rational” rants into the realm of the lofty, huh?Of course, living and sleeping with a girl without love is debauchery, and if you fall in love with someone, go and get married. At the same time, leaving your wife, who has done so much for you, due to chemical processes in the brain poorly studied by science, is meanness. A woman considers both of these theses to be true, depending on whether she gets the role of a mistress or an abandoned wife.
And the man is in a stupor. Eastern people seem to have found a way out of it - polygamy. I assure you, perhaps every second cheating husband thinks about this blessed model, thank God. It seems that there is no hypocrisy, and the problem is solved: I stopped loving one, fell in love with another, but did not abandon the first. Why not a solution?
It is not customary to discuss this topic seriously in the European world - only clowns from the Liberal Democratic Party do this. But many do this in fact, without additional sanctions. Sometimes - famous people, take Landau.
All over again
Love lives for three years? If so, then it's a full circle. A very strong hobby, the passion usually goes away after 12 months. Then the head turns on. The brain evaluates the situation, remembers past loves and tells you: “Boy, you’ve already been through this. Pretty soon you will look at things much more soberly. Meanwhile, you need to start everything from scratch.”“Starting from scratch” are fatal words. They mean that the new family, by and large, will not differ much from the old one. And your feelings will also become smoother and transform into something else. The cycle will end, and one day you will also want to leave, and you will again ask yourself: is it worth it, is it strong enough to start from scratch?
So why change everything? Meaning? And the more time you meet with your mistress, the more convincing this question looks.
Actually, everything suggests that not getting a divorce is better than getting a divorce. There is only one argument in the other direction: lying every day is an extremely tedious task. It will lead to various disorders, primarily mental. When you spit on the mind, circumstances and opinions of others, you begin to live as you want, you feel complete pleasure from life, schizophrenia recedes.
If a mistress wants a man to leave his wife and go with her, she needs to set such a condition quickly, while he is ready for strong actions. Perhaps excessive persistence can put him on guard, but excessive modesty will definitely not help - let his rival be shy.
P.S.
While the issue was being typed up, a funny incident happened to the couple Igor and Lisa. They were walking. And suddenly Nastya comes straight towards them! It turned out that someone called her and reported. It looks like Lisa is tired of waiting after all.TEXT: Alexey Kitaev
