Love is blind, you will love and...
Why do the feelings of two people who once loved each other change over time?
Often women complain about their husbands and their difficult fate - they don’t love their husbands, but for some reason they continue this relationship, they suffer from their own dissatisfaction, but they don’t want to change anything.
Why and why do women start relationships with men for whom they have no feelings?
Reason one: fear of loneliness
The fear of being alone, not needed by anyone, can be laid down in early childhood. There are many reasons: her parents divorced, and her father left not only the family, but also her life, her mother abandoned her or paid little attention to her, caring more about younger children, etc. Having become an adult, a girl will already subconsciously experience the fear of being abandoned, and in order to avoid this, she will be ready to start a relationship with any man who has met her in life.
All these fears lead to low self-esteem; as a result, it is difficult for a woman to believe that she deserves much more. As a result, she will not look for the man of her dreams (due to the absence of this image), she will be ready to give her heart to the first man who shows interest in her.
When you began to realize that you do not have any feelings for your partner, but are only trying to avoid loneliness in this way and therefore are ready to endure all this, then you must understand only one thing - this is your life and only you have the right to dispose of it as you wish, and if If something doesn't suit you, you can change everything. And the first thing you need to do is increase your own self-esteem.
Reason two: my friends and parents are fascinated by him
While caring about the happiness of our family and friends, we often forget about ourselves. By doing something in your life and constantly looking around and listening to the opinions of others, you are putting your happiness in their hands, and dooming yourself to a life without love. This is especially important if the issue concerns your personal relationships.
You should know that when choosing a partner for yourself, you will have to live with him, but not like your mother or best friend. Fearing that your choice will not be approved by those close to you, ask yourself: what will happen if you make your own decision? Will your relationship deteriorate? Then all these people never loved you, if you are dear to them, then they should respect your choice, accept your decisions, whether they like it or not. People are selfish by nature, it’s time for you to acquire this quality and start taking care of yourself.
Reason three: addiction
Alas, we live in a society, which means we all depend on each other to one degree or another. Dependence can be business, financial, housing, sexual, etc. When you allow a man who is unpleasant for you to pay for you, then he begins to control your life, you become for him a thing that he bought. If your choice is conscious, then you get what you were striving for. It’s worse when circumstances force a woman to get into such a relationship.
There is always a way out of any situation, only a few want to see it. If you want to change your life, determine for yourself what this addiction is. Money? Find yourself a job that will allow you to have financial independence. Housing? Again, find a job that will allow you to rent an apartment. General business? Separate your responsibilities or simply divide your business. The law of balance operates in nature - in one place you lose, in another you gain more.
Remember, you dreamed of something as a child, maybe it’s time to realize your dreams, and not wait for someone else to do it for you.
Reason four: revenge on your loved one
The desire for revenge is a powerful argument for ruining not only your own, but someone else’s life. You are not the first and you are not the last to have your heart broken and hurt very much, but is this a reason to further destroy your life and deprive yourself of the right to happiness? Maybe your loved one has realized everything and is ready to fix everything, but you stubbornly do not want to give either him or yourself such a chance, and continue to live with the unloved person. This is exactly the case when loneliness is your best friend, you will have time to understand yourself and understand what you want in this life.
Time heals any wounds - and when you are ready to meet new love again, it will certainly come. And your stupid “to spite him” will come back to you like boomerangs.
Reason five: loneliness is not fashionable
This was invented by women who themselves are unhappy in marriage, in this way they try to justify their own mistakes. Nowadays, an independent and confident woman is respected. Such women know their worth, and they are ready to wait for their real man.
Learn to love and trust, first of all, yourself. And then the people around you will also treat you with love. Loneliness is not always a bad thing.
Material - http://man-woman.com.ua
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“...We’ve been living with my husband for 9 years, we got married out of great love, at least it seemed so to me. He told everyone he knew that he loved me, and he was very attentive to me all this time, but yesterday I found out that he was lying to me - he has a mistress and has been for several years. I don’t know what to do..."
Elena, Barnaul
More and more often, a problem comes up on forums and in the press: “The unloved wife and why she doesn’t get a divorce.” The stories of unloved wives are similar to each other, at least outwardly. But, if you look deeper, each has its own story, its own family tragedy. And only the spouses themselves know who is right and who is wrong.
The soul was chilled by bad weather or an unloved wife
A woman cannot help but feel that her husband does not love her, unless, of course, he is a skilled liar, or a trained one, or maybe by nature a “scout” and it is beneficial for him to live with an unloved wife. But what is the state of a woman who finds out or understands that she is not loved?
In vain are the outfits, the candlelit dinner, yes he is here, but his thoughts are far away. The unloved wife is not given words, kisses, flowers, and they try not to share the bed; she is assigned a different role. You can separate from your unloved wife, but what? Reproaches, irritation that they didn’t give you your salary, that your head hurts again, and it’s even easier to remain silent, staring at the TV and answering inappropriately. But you need to save words of love for the woman you love.
But there is a limit to everything, “the soul is chilled from bad weather,” and the unloved wife is looking for a way out.
You can't mend a broken bowl
“You can’t mend a broken cup,” says a third of women. They believe: “Marriage without love loses its meaning.” And these women are ready to break up immediately. Life is fleeting, you may miss the chance to meet a person who will truly love you. Perhaps they are right, a man who loves another woman will still leave sooner or later, even if his wife is the best. A woman does not want to remain an unloved wife, she wants to be loved. It's her right!
Fear of loneliness
Journalists, having conducted an independent survey among wives whose husbands “give them horns,” found that 2/3 of women do not want to get a divorce, even knowing that they are “not worth a penny.” Why is this happening? Some have a fear of becoming poor, others say: “I’m afraid to remain separated,” but most of them hide behind their children. What really motivates women? Most likely, fear of loneliness. How mistaken they are! Living next to a man who doesn’t love, isn’t that loneliness? Fearing loneliness, it may be, then it’s too late to call: “Where are you?”
For the sake of the children
“I’m ready to do anything for the sake of the children. Yes, I know that my husband is cheating on me, that he has another woman, but I also know what kind of woman she is,” - this is what many women think, as well as men too. In their opinion, children will be better off from this. Who drilled this into their heads? Children grow up, and a moment comes when they understand that dad doesn’t love mom. There is deception all around! And you can’t hide the look of unhappy parents from their children. Parents' lovers and mistresses traumatize children the most. Where is the beauty of a complete family? It cannot exist without love! The greatest cruelty is to stay married for the sake of children. A child raised in a lie is unlikely to be able to create a full-fledged family built on love and trust.
Fear of poverty
The strongest motivation to continue living with an unloving husband is the fear of poverty. The apartment and everything in it belongs to the husband. “It’s better for me to walk like a horn than to live in poverty,” argue women living as dependents.
Too lazy to even swear
It happens that a family lives for itself, they took out a mortgage, and built a “nest”. The apartment is good, the area is prestigious. The husband loved his wife, and then stopped loving him, and fell in love with another. I don’t want to leave my wife and children on the street, I would be glad to build a new “nest,” but “finances sing romances.” Renting an apartment on your own with a new wife is somehow not inspiring. And the “old wife” does not object: “Live, no one is persecuting you.” Why should she object? Utilities, telephone, internet paid, refrigerator full. He goes to his mistress a couple of times a week, she has taken a lover. A real idyll! Spouses are even too lazy to swear! This is how they live, laziness cannot be cured! And it’s convenient for them!
Will endure, fall in love
Endure, fall in love is another reason why an unloved wife does not want to get a divorce. Psychologists say that romance in a spouse’s relationship does not last more than three years. What next? Next comes respect and the desire to live together, mature love. But if the love has passed, only irritation and disappointment remain. “It’s okay,” many people think, “he’ll endure it, he’ll fall in love. He’ll take a walk and calm down.” Turn it around: “Can’t stand it and won’t fall in love,” unless, of course, you are not satisfied with the role of furniture or.
I gave you my best years
Unloved wife, why don't they get a divorce? The reasons are different, some of them are just a “walking joke”, one of which is: “I gave you my best years!” The question involuntarily arises: “Why did you give them to him?” If the years were better, it means the woman was happy! A wife who is not beloved cannot be happy! A real joke! My husband doesn’t love me - I’m happy!
And if you loved, then there was a reason why you stopped loving. Or yours? So why do you need it then! We need to run away from him, we should have made claims earlier, and not give him our best years!
The unloved woman is waiting for me or a man’s view of the situation
Who is to blame for the passing of love? Women blame men, men blame women, and together the Internet, TV, the state, but this is not the point now. We are interested in the male perspective on the situation, what men say for whom their beloved wife has become unloved.
Men shout out loud, yes, yes, they shout: “Where did that carefree girl go with whom he once fell in love?” Women, like military commanders, raise children and husbands; they seriously wash, clean, lose weight, and cook dinner. They constantly need to demand something, show character, fight, and so a series of urgent and important matters. Where did the desire to receive shoes, dresses, carelessness go? Can't problems be left for later? Instead of enjoying life and laughing, our dear wives listen to the advice of girlfriends who suffer from the same thing, repeat quotes from famous people, constantly find fault and grumble, and try to bite harder. I don't want to go home. So I fell out of love, and there’s nothing you can do about it. There are a lot of carefree and understanding women around.
An unloved wife is waiting at home, well, let her wait, I feel good here, with my mistress. And it would not occur to any man in love that a mistress who understands everything and allows everything is good only until she becomes a wife. And why look for new love again? It is not new love that awaits, but impending old age. And you have to fight with her, and not with your unloved wife.
Drive away fear
Unloved wife, why doesn't she get a divorce? Each has its own reason! And yet, if there is no love, why hold on to a man who does not love? How are you worse than him? This is just not your man, and you deserve happiness. Drive away fear and don't be afraid of new relationships.
Look also
Igorich
Hello! There is no love for my wife, there are no feelings, there has been no sex for a long time, and I don’t want her as a woman. I don’t want to share anything with her, tell her anything, although she reaches out to me, tells me something funny, shares news, but it doesn’t matter what she says. Sometimes I hate her, I often become very irritated by her appearance or some questions. I went on vacation with the children for two months, I thought I’d rest and everything would work out, yes, the irritation went away, while I was living on my own, everything was somehow different, I felt happy, I wanted to live, to do something. And I realized that I liked it, I was so comfortable alone, I didn’t want any relationship, my soul sang, you might say.
And now is the day when they should arrive. I did the cleaning, washed the windows in the apartment, prepared a meal, hoping for the happy eyes of my wife, hoping that everything should change for the better. Alas, I didn’t appreciate it, everything is wrong, everything is wrong, and in general I don’t do anything like a man and that was the last straw... I said everything, I’m tired, I say, I can’t live with you anymore, I don’t see the need for you, I’m with you it’s bad, I’m getting a divorce, I say find yourself someone worthy, I want to live alone, I don’t need any women, I can completely take care of myself. I persuaded her not to get a divorce, at least for the sake of the children; my daughter loves me very much while we live together. I don’t want to go home from work just to avoid seeing her. There was a very strong hatred towards her. I myself am beginning to wonder whether she can really be satisfied with all this, can a girl continue to live when she is not loved, not noticed, not listened to. I don’t refuse children, I would also help, alimony... And she’s happy with everything, but in general I look at her and it seems like nothing is happening for her at all, as if everything is normal, as if this is how it should be. What do you say, isn’t this the end, is it possible to continue living like this? We've been married for 15 years together. Children: son 12 years old and daughter 3 years old.
Igorich
I am 35, my wife is 34. Due to frequent scandals, reproaches, disputes, I have ceased to be interested in asserting what I myself do not understand. The tone is orderly, commanding, most often when you are in a bad mood. “So, I got up and went to wash my cup,” for example. Gradually I came to understand that this is not a wife, a wife should not be like that. With my daughter, too, everything is in an orderly tone, the daughter herself is already beginning to copy her, commanding, which makes her heart hurt, realizing that she is growing up like her mother.
Igorich
Now probably no, I think if a man can serve himself, there is no need for a wife. Temporary, non-binding meetings for sex and that’s enough. Lost faith in all women. It's like a consumable. I don’t believe in love, I don’t believe in anything anymore, and I wouldn’t try to start a new relationship.
What do you think a wife should be like? And most importantly - what are your desires?
Anyway, I will answer your question. How much does a man need from a woman, but ordinary praise is already worth something, the best incentive for further deeds, a kind word is like a balm for the soul. Any kind words will warm your soul and make you want to idolize it. I was never fully listened to, my conversation was interrupted by other topics, which made me lose interest in telling her anything. And I really wanted her to listen carefully, just to at least pretend. Yes, you will make any request for joy if it sounds gentle and not an order. Here. Now I have become completely callous, cold, I no longer need any tenderness.
And most importantly - what are your desires?
The desire to separate peacefully. And as soon as possible, while she is young and beautiful, she can find herself a man. But I want this to be by mutual agreement. At the moment she is against it, she is not embarrassed by my indifferent attitude towards her.
Good evening. What is your main request to a psychologist?
The desire to separate peacefully. And as soon as possible, while she is young and beautiful, she can find herself a man. But I want this to be by mutual agreement.
You know, you can’t force yourself to be nice. It’s not for nothing that people say that. It is clear that such relationships are a burden for you. It is also clear that you need to work on relationships, and even more so after 15 years of marriage. From your messages, I see that a certain point of no return in the relationship has been passed, after which either the end of the relationship or long-term joint work on building new ones. Over 15 years, both of you have changed, and it happens that one of the couple is not ready for the changes of the other half.
I also hear notes of resentment towards women. But this will definitely pass when the one appears.
Igorich
Honestly, for me the ideal couple is the one who accepts each other as they are. And not the one that forces each other to change, why torture each other. Yes, you change, for a while, but for a long time you won’t be able to imagine yourself to others, everything will return to normal
Honestly, for me the ideal couple is the one who accepts each other as they are.
Igorich, of course it is. Working on relationships is possible and effective only if people love each other, understand that there are difficulties and are ready to do something together for each other.
When a child is born, for example, a lot changes in the family and the spouses themselves already acquire a new role. All changes occur intuitively, by themselves. The husband helps his wife, the wife helps her husband, without reproaches or accusations. But if someone is not ready for these changes, then misunderstandings arise. Over time, a very important thing disappears in such couples - respect. And in the absence of respect, everyone pulls the blanket over themselves.
There is also an answer in your topic title. Under what circumstances is living with an unloved person possible for you?
No matter how courageous and brutal the representative of the strong half of humanity may seem to us, he is also not alien to the feeling of fear. Leaving an unloved woman means starting something new, it means letting change into your life. And no one knows what these changes will be like. It is the fear of the unknown that confuses men and often “chains” them to a woman. It may not sound very manly, but it’s honest.
Lack of own housing
Not all men feel the need to “get”, protect and take care of their women. There are also those who, due to various circumstances, live on the territory of the lady of the heart and do not feel any remorse about this. However, such men understand that if they break off the relationship, they will end up on the street along with their oversized luggage. This will entail searching for an apartment, spending on housing and a whole series of other problems. Do they need it?
Living at someone else's expense
And the previous point smoothly flows into this one - when men “sit on someone else’s neck.” The most comfortable way is to sit on a woman’s neck, of course. After all, love can be blind, which means a loving woman will find a thousand reasons and excuses why her husband hasn’t gotten a job for a year, doesn’t help the family, and won’t even do basic cleaning around the house. And it’s good for a man: the life of a “lone wolf” is too expensive a pleasure, but here, under the wing of an unloved, but caring woman, it’s quite cozy and warm. And I don’t really want to fly away into freedom.
Familiar amenities
Marriage or cohabitation is not so important. If a man lives with a woman in the same area, then, in most cases, he always has a hot lunch, clean and ironed clothes and a warm bed. Not to mention that there is always a woman in bed. It is psychologically difficult for a man to exchange this habitual feeling of comfort for freedom. And if he leaves an unloved woman, will he suddenly not find his beloved and then have to live alone? And cook alone, and wash/clean alone? “We humbly thank you,” the men say, “but we are fed well here too.”
Common children
Yes, many men really don’t want to get a divorce or leave an unloved woman because they have children together. As a rule, men rarely think that it will cause more harm to the child’s psyche if the child lives in a family with unhealthy relationships and eternal quarrels than in a dysfunctional family. The fact remains: the presence of common children often “anchors” men, preventing them from starting a new life.
Low self-esteem
There is a widespread belief in society that self-dislike and low self-esteem are the prerogative of women. However, representatives of the stronger half of humanity also suffer from such thoughts. And it is precisely such complexes that often serve as the reason why men continue to live with those they don’t love. Questions like “what if I don’t find anyone better?”, “what if I have to be alone for the rest of my life?”, “who needs me with such a salary/bald head?” force them to stay with those they no longer like.
Established habit
It is generally accepted that “love lives for three years,” and over time, love subsides, passions cease to simmer, and all former romance is reduced to ordinary “everyday life.” Not all couples manage to maintain love over many years of marriage and in most cases, unfortunately, men (this is also typical for women) cease to feel love for their chosen one. This feeling is transformed into a kind of habit towards a woman, her sense of humor, behavior, manners. And even if they are not satisfied with everything about women, they think: “even though she’s inferior, she’s one of their own, dear.” And they continue to live with those they don’t love, but who are so “familiar.”
