What happened to the wife. What's going on with my wife? How to help? Steps towards understanding

The age of onset of crisis varies from 37 to 42 years - this is one of the most difficult periods in a man’s life. It is also sometimes called "forties fatal". How to survive a midlife crisis with minimal disruption? Advice from a psychologist - for men and their wives.

If the crisis of a man’s thirtieth birthday mainly affects his revaluation of his social role, concerns the choice of work path, self-determination in life, and at the same time his personal life suffers much less, then at forty this is a real disaster.

There are several reasons for this - and they are not comparable to the causes of an identity crisis.

Firstly, this is the age of summing up. If a man considers himself successful by the age of forty, that is, his social ambitions are satisfied, then he is a winner. And the winner requires a reward and a pedestal, and thunderous applause, and admiring glances. The man is a hero! His family is fine, everything is in its place. He fulfills the role of head of the family, in his opinion, perfectly. He has hobbies, his own circle of friends, and the external attributes of success. The world simply must admire his achievements. And who inhabits this world? Did his wife, who went with him all the way through his formation, see both his “broken nose” and despair? She has long stopped praising and admiring her husband, and treats his successes as something completely natural. Sometimes he will say: “You’re great! I should also have this...” - and will calmly continue the conversation about family needs. These are not the “copper pipes” that male pride craves, oh, not those!

Impotence for a man is the end of life, the curtain. Forever.

One day we were having a philosophical conversation with a middle-aged gentleman. We talked about the meanings of life and death. And he exclaimed: “Death! It’s natural and it awaits everyone! But it’s better to die before you realize that you can’t do it anymore! That’s what’s really scary!” He was sincere.

The man becomes withdrawn and irritated. He looks at himself in the mirror: it seems like nothing, not an old man. And in my head I hear: “Soon you will become old and weak. Hurry while there is gunpowder in the flasks.” And he's in a hurry...

Desperately rushes to restore health, sometimes causing harm to himself. This makes him even more scared. And if you consider that testosterone, the hormone of aggressiveness, splashes into the blood in large volumes during stress, then you can easily imagine the situation in the home of an aging man. No one seems to care enough. And the wife, as a rule, becomes the scapegoat.

At the age of forty, a man's suffering is concentrated on his potency and intimate achievements. Self-identification suffers, because, as you and I already know, the phallus for him is a symbol of success and victory, well-being and masculine strength.

He is absolutely sure that his relationship with his wife has outlived its usefulness, his feelings have evaporated, and only duty remains. A sense of duty is what inspires a man the least in his forties. A sense of duty cannot make him happy, rather the opposite. Therefore, during a crisis, a man claims that his wife tortured him; it is she who does not give him the opportunity to breathe deeply and feel young. The marital bed grows cold. And the wife is “to blame” for this too.

A man feels that no one understands him, he is endlessly lonely, everyone needs something from him, but no one needs him. He can become sentimental, shed tears. The very fact of tears, self-pity and sentimentality become for a man a sign of intolerable unhappiness: “If I cried, then life is truly terrible.”

The following text can be printed and attached with a magnet to the refrigerator, so as not to bother your spouse with “composing” the reasons for dissatisfaction and disappointment.

• You have become unsexy and uninteresting. Like a man in a skirt.
• There is nothing to talk about with you, you have no interests except household chores and your girlfriends.
• You no longer understand me, I am completely alone in my family.
• You don’t play sports, so you look blurry and flabby.
• You are only busy with your career and rags.
• You are treating me like a consumer.
• I need freedom, and you are constantly spying on me.
• I worked all my life, now I want to live for myself.
• There are a lot of problems at home, this is how you raised your children! I was busy with work, earning money. It’s unclear what you were doing.
• You always talk to me with metal in your voice.
• I'm an idiot for putting up with all this! I have one life!
• Don't pester me with stupid questions! You still won't understand what's wrong with me.

The changes that a man craves at the age of forty already concern the foundations of his well-established life. This is an escape from a prison where a witch rules the roost. And there are so many beautiful and kind fairies around! This is the breaking of everything familiar and established, this is the thirst for a “different life.” Truly different!

Middle age is when you can still do everything you did before, but you prefer not to do it.

The male crisis of forty years is a ten-magnitude earthquake. The man is going crazy. Everything is going wrong, the thirst for freedom is off the charts. Neither work nor usual hobbies can save you. Everything is devalued. All that matters is the last car of the departing train, which you can jump into while it is moving. And the man jumps!

Yes, it is at the age of forty that a man longs for a romantic relationship, “high feelings,” sincere acceptance of himself, without any pretensions or reservations. In this respect, he is like a teenager and thinks and feels just as anxious and vague.

At the age of forty, having become more sentimental and vulnerable, a man does not just have affairs to test his sexual viability. No! He falls in love! He needs understanding and unconditional acceptance. His soul requires inspiration, as in his youth. And this can only be given by a woman who is not like his wife.

There is another interesting point here. If a man’s testosterone level begins to decrease by the age of forty, and this is what makes him more sensitive and sentimental, then a woman, on the contrary, becomes more self-confident and stronger. And a man needs a soul mate, gentle and sensual. It is such a woman that becomes sexually attractive to him. And the man begins to feel that he will never return to his family. Who would voluntarily return to prison!

My husband’s crisis began at 43, now he is 44. We started building our house 4 years ago, my husband moved there, lives in it, builds and works not far from the house, but in a different city from his family (we have been married for 18 years, two children). A young friend (27 years old) appeared, helps with the construction, and is always nearby. My children and I only went on weekends. My husband became very distant from us, changed his hairstyle, began to dress more youthfully, like this friend, began to constantly spend time on the phone, began to take photographs, post photos on Instagram. And this summer, in response to my bewilderment, he generally said that he no longer loved me and would never have sex with me. If you want, get a divorce. The house was built for a family, but who needs it now? I feel that this friend is giving a lot of advice to my husband and escalating the situation. I don’t understand why? My husband has always been independent, but here he listens to some snotty boy. Is this a crisis? And he doesn't understand what he can go through? What should I do? And how long does this crisis usually last?

Try giving your husband something for potency, and you won’t have any problems. And he won’t leave for his mistress) That you are like small children. Are there not enough resources in this world? Buy a Detonator or blue tablet dispensers.

Total 27 messages .

More on the topic “Psychology of the crisis of 40 years in men”:

I don't know what to do. The situation is standard - the husband has a midlife crisis, depression, new love, money appeared again... The girl is 5 years younger than me... (29 versus my 34) We have two sons, 10 years old and 1.8 years old . She has 10 and 11 year olds (and she is not from Moscow, now they live together without her children)...

I was wondering how it manifests itself in some people and whether it manifests itself at all, or do they just like to talk about it? :) The young man didn’t talk to me for 2 days because of a very minor quarrel, today he came to make peace and justified himself by this crisis (It’s his birthday the other day). And I sit and think what it was :)

girls, I sometimes read similar topics, but never thought that this could happen to me. The situation is this - 10 years of marriage (in a couple of months it will be), we are over 30, a kindergarten child, outwardly just an ideal family, but, I don’t know how to explain, at the level of subconsciousness and some external manifestations, my husband’s attitude towards me began to change.

Girls who have experienced a midlife crisis in men, explain the best tactics for a wife’s behavior. The husband complains that we have no common interests, different values, and although he treats us well and politely, there is no love. Is it better to get into his soul and have conversations? Or go into your own life and hope that it will burn out?

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I am 35, he is 40. We have a long-awaited 5-year-old child. We both work. The husband holds a high position and earns good money. Thanks to him, there are no financial difficulties in the family, the house is full, etc. We live in a country house, two cars, a nanny, a housekeeper. I don’t know if this is important... All these years we lived extremely well. Loved each other. The atmosphere in the family was healthy. They didn’t tear each other down, they didn’t argue, they didn’t cheat.

My husband is having a “mid-life crisis.” He is 36. He is terribly dissatisfied with his job and career, he thinks that everything is so-so, a C grade, although by the standards of our city his earnings are not that bad. He has complexes because of his old car, etc. There was an opportunity to change jobs - he didn’t even go: either “they won’t take him anyway,” then “they need young people there,” then “I’m ashamed.” He doesn’t communicate with friends and forbids me to do so, although he used to be a cheerful, open person, the life of any company. He's jealous of everyone, he's offended by everyone

Male menopause. Is there such a concept? Or should we call it a “midlife crisis”? I remember at the dawn of my foggy youth, one woman, by my standards at that time, not young (about 40 years old):)), taught me. that the female menopause is nonsense compared to the male one. It’s like a disease, and you just need to survive it, and not rush to get a divorce right away.

Question for psychologists

Hello! We have a very difficult situation with my wife. We have been married for almost 6 years. There are two children: my daughter is soon 4 years old, my son is soon 2. I am 32 years old, my wife is 30. It all started 3 years ago, when my daughter was six months old. The wife began to pay excessive attention to cleanliness and hygiene. She was always clean and that’s not bad, but in my opinion she began to go beyond the bounds of reason. At first I noticed that I was running out of soap very quickly. Then I noticed how often she began to wash her hands. Moreover, she washed her hands up to the elbows, sometimes up to the shoulders, explaining this by the fact that water from the sink was splashing on her hands. We started buying liquid soap in 5 liter bottles, it lasted for 2 weeks. I endlessly washed the floors with Domestos and other chemicals. All this made me very worried. I tried to talk to her, but this only made her irritated and the conversation did not work out. A lot of things were happening, she began to say that I was taking off my shoes incorrectly, that street clothes should only be placed on a certain chair, and that you couldn’t sit in them anywhere at home. You need to go in, wash your hands, take off your things, wash your hands again and only then put on your household things. I tried to do everything as she wanted, at the same time trying to “talk about it,” which, to tell the truth, always led to scandals. It was very difficult because every day she had new comments. She began to wipe everything with alcohol (door handles, children's toys, tables). Once, upon arriving from work, I had the imprudence to walk on the grass in the yard, for which I was severely scolded)) At some point, it became impossible to press against the walls in the elevator, lay out purchases from the store on the table, etc. All attempts to find out why this cannot be done only led to scandals. She was very tired. Because of the endless “struggle for purity” I went to bed late. I helped in every way I could. But she simply didn’t allow me to do a lot of things, for example, wash the dishes or put vegetables on the salad. Some people will probably find it wild that a man would volunteer to wash the dishes. But I felt that something would just happen to her soon due to fatigue. To help her, I decided to buy a dishwasher. I spent money on this that I had saved for car repairs. And she really needed it, because at that moment my work depended on the car and if it had stopped, I would have lost my job. Trying to find an answer to the question of what was happening to my wife, and I must say that by that time I was already quite well read about postpartum depression and all sorts of “oddities” in the behavior of women staying at home with children, led me to the site where I first read about obsessive-compulsive disorder (obsessive-compulsive disorder). I realized that this was it. For a very long time I tried to persuade her to go to the doctor. She, naturally, did not admit anything like that. Then, by some miracle, I still succeeded. We went to see a psychiatrist (unofficially) and he confirmed the diagnosis. But he didn’t prescribe any treatment, because... the wife was pregnant with her second child. Shortly before this, we went to a psychologist several times (I also barely persuaded him), but we didn’t really decide anything, because... my wife refused to go after 3 visits. In general, our story can take a very long time to tell. I'm leaving out a lot, but I'm trying to keep it meaningful. The situation got much worse when my daughter fell ill with salmonella. My wife was in the last months of pregnancy and my mother was in the hospital with her daughter. Thank God my daughter recovered, but control over cleanliness was strengthened many times over. It was incredibly difficult. Endless scandals over trifles and trifles, her nerves finally gave way. I also had breakdowns. But I stubbornly continued to help her in everything. I bathed the children, changed diapers, put them on the potty, put them to bed, fed them, sat for 40 minutes in the hallway after coming home from work while she washed the floors, because... I couldn't go home. Sometimes we sat with my daughter together, on those days when I took her from her grandmother. In general, without exaggeration, we can probably say that I went through all the circles of hell in family relationships. Now the situation has changed a little. She “trained” me, of course there are still flaws in my behavior (regarding cleanliness), but I’m working on myself)) And still the scandals don’t stop, now due to the fact that some trifle can piss her off, for example, a drop of water on the table with milk (and milk is a favorable environment for the development of bacteria), or when children bathe, they splash “dirty” water on the floor. Such things make her furious, she starts yelling at the children, at me. Calls him names, swears. I don’t know how to stop her at such moments. She wants to crash her car, curses me, says that I ruined her whole life. This is scary. I try my best, but it doesn’t always work out. During the last such scandal, I simply pushed her out of the apartment, because... she just yelled hysterically at her daughter, naturally with obscenities. She was banging on the door, the children were afraid, and I didn’t know what to do. About 10 minutes later I let her back in and listened to all the curses. Little by little she cooled down. I've been drinking valerian lately. But I feel that it no longer helps. It is useless to contact psychiatrists. I was already there, they told me that they couldn’t do anything without her consent. She, of course, doesn’t admit anything, doesn’t want to go anywhere. He refuses to drink the same basic Valyrian. Her mother lives far away, does not want to help, or rather simply cannot, because it is generally useless to talk to her wife. She constantly interrupts, does not allow a single thought to be expressed to the end, believes that she is right in everything and if it were not for me and the children, everything in her life would be fine. I am not filing for divorce, because... I'm afraid that the court will leave the children to her. I can’t say that she doesn’t love children, she seems to do everything for them, and for me, in principle. We always have plenty of food, everything is washed, and everywhere, of course, is clean. But there is no kindness and warmth. The children are small, eat sloppily, disobey, and play pranks. Any of their behavior can make her angry and another hysteria will begin. I love children very much, I simply cannot live without them. She knows this and, in my opinion, takes advantage of it. Constantly blackmails that he will take the children and go to his mother. There was already a precedent a year and a half ago. I understand that part of my guilt is also there. But I don't know what to do next. I can live with my parents, but I'm afraid for the children. Because without my help she will be doubly tired and it’s scary to even imagine what she can do with the children. I don't want to say that she's like this all the time. No. If there was no irritant, then the person is normal. Even in intimate terms, everything is fine with us. And no matter what I tried in those moments when she was going crazy, nothing helped. I left the house for an hour and a half, and just kept silent, and kindly, kindly tried, nothing helps. The best way is to endure and do everything she says. But this is also impossible all the time. I should probably say that on the whole I am a normal man. No bad habits, I work, earn extra money, and see friends maybe once every 2-3 months. Of course, there are financial difficulties (the apartment has a mortgage, the car owes money, the loan is small), but everything you need is always there, i.e. I spend all my money on my family. She has no friends. We try to “hand over” the children to my parents every weekend)) She rests a little these days. But I have no idea how to fix the situation as a whole. I can, of course, obey her in everything and endure everything, but my pride and, probably, my father’s authority suffer from this. Yes, and this doesn’t always help. Sometimes it seems that she is purposefully provoking me, trying to get me out of myself. I think maybe the situation will change when my son goes to kindergarten and she goes to work, but there’s still a whole year before that, and I’m already giving up. The only thing I ask her is not to yell at the children for any reason and not to swear in front of them. I've already come to terms with everything else. But it's all to no avail. I understand that it is unlikely that I will be able to help in any way in a written response. But, to be honest, I don’t have extra money for a psychologist yet. Yes, and last time the psychologist said that if we go, then together, but of course she doesn’t even want to hear about it. And yesterday my wife said that she was already starting to hate the children because of me. So what to do? And I can’t leave and staying only makes things worse.

It's a hell of a situation.

There are not many specialists who can really help her cope with OCD. This must be a really good specialist. I would recommend someone who is proficient in EMDR and hypnosis and has experience with OCD. I do not recommend treating OCD with medications; they only mask or temporarily suppress this symptom.

I can only advise you to hold on and continue to believe in yourself. When your wife snaps at you, it often takes a toll on your self-esteem. Be strong and remain calm, that's the only way you can calm her down. In fact, she needs your support, at such moments she feels bad. Somehow try not to get wound up, but on the contrary, at such a moment try to hug her tightly and tell her that you love her and that everything will be fine. This may help her calm down.

You have to be strong, otherwise she won't respect you.

Tell her, “I am following your order because I know how bad you feel and I am doing this only so as not to cause you unnecessary pain.” But you don't have to be submissive or disciplined. It won't get you anywhere.

The stronger and more confident you are, the better your situation will be.

When she is in a normal state, ask her what you need to do when she starts to break down and scream. Let her tell you how best to calm her down at such moments.

Support the children - this is very difficult for them. They need to be understood and reassured. It is important for children to know that it is not their fault that their mother behaves this way.

But at the end I will say this. In this life you are responsible only for yourself and no one else. So don’t be afraid to build your life the way you need it. No one has the right to judge you in this situation. You have the right to make any decision. And no matter how strange it may sound, think about yourself first. This is not selfishness, this is a healthy life. This life is only yours and you answer only to yourself.

Try to do everything you can for the children, but this does not mean that you have to raise them through your corpse. Think about yourself. If you weren’t afraid of other people’s opinions, ask yourself whether you should stay with her, or maybe you’ll still leave.

By itself it will never change. But when you get ready to leave, maybe this will motivate her to do something.

Who the children will stay with is also a big question. Any examination admits that she has OCD. Talk to lawyers about this topic.

Anyway, good luck.

Goloshchapov Andrey Viktorovich, psychologist Saratov

Hello, Andrey. Yes, this is a compulsive neurosis of obsessive behavior. And the wife will have to work with it for a long time. From a year of weekly meetings. The most rational direction of therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy. But the wife, as I understand it, does not consider this issue. The need for cleanliness is a symptom. And it hides the true reason. And the real reason is that the wife feels unnecessary, not authoritative, weak, worthless (internally and unconsciously). Therefore, the need for cleanliness is a way to increase her importance. And , if everyone listens to her, it means they respect her. This way she will know that she is good and correct. Therefore, if you convince her that even without the cult of purity she is good, precious, correct and loved by you, her symptoms will begin to subside. But, this is a very difficult task to accomplish. She was raised to be shy and her self-esteem was lowered. And with low self-esteem, she has a complex in front of you, because she considers you better than her. Therefore, the symptom also serves to humiliate you, devalue you (unconsciously), pointing out your imperfection. This way she feels more complete. If you take away her trump card, she will feel like an ugly duckling compared to you, and she will have a fear of being abandoned by you. Then something else will arise. Therefore, it is not beneficial for her to deprive yourself with a purity complex. You need to be patient. And in the best times, work with her to increase your value - with a specialist. There is no other way.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychologist of the Volgograd psychoanalytic school

Hello Andrei. Of course, everything you described speaks about your wife’s mental disorder and the need for her treatment by a psychiatrist. In case of divorce in court, she will not be left with children because of this disorder. You don't have much choice. Or defend healthy relationships in the family and treatment of children, which is only possible if your spouse criticizes your condition and receives appropriate medical treatment. And the second choice is divorce and taking the children with you. In this case, there is hope that, having lost the most valuable thing for herself, she will reconsider her attitude towards life and turn to psychiatrists herself. Such cases do happen. Of course, you also need psychological help. In our city there is a Psychiatric Hospital and Psychological and Pedagogical Centers in which competent psychologists work for free. You can call me, I will tell you their coordinates. Good luck!

Bylim Tatyana Anatolyevna, psychologist Stavropol

My wife constantly yells at me, even when I come home from work. In the evening she constantly has a headache, she says that she is very tired: her arms ache or her leg hurts. He suggested that she go to the doctor - and immediately she recovered dramatically, everything was fine with her. I observe her complete indifference to me. The thing that kills me is her expression that she supports me, there are simply no words! Just recently I overheard her conversation, she was talking with her ex-boyfriends and recalled how they had sex a long time ago (when talking to her about this, she is silent like a German). Everything is bad in our sex life, she immediately invents some kind of problem for herself, turns to the Internet or TV. I work alone, my wife does not work, she is on maternity leave, we have two children. One of them disappears all day in kindergarten. The second, of course, is at home (son), but very calm, unlike the first son. Naturally, I give my wife a break from the children and spend the weekends with them. I can't understand what happened. When we met, she was affectionate and gentle, but now she is completely indifferent to me and the children. Sometimes he will say: “This is your son, so feed him yourself, prepare food for him,” etc.

Vitaly, Minsk, 25 years old / 04/21/15

Our experts' opinions

• Alyona

  In my opinion, rather than living “together” like this, it is better to get a divorce and simply help your wife financially. But at the same time, have the opportunity to build your personal life, which is simply not there now. Of course, you can come up with many excuses for your wife, but, frankly, if everything is exactly as you describe, then it is called degradation. Sitting at home, yelling at your husband, talking about sex with ex-boyfriends and openly ignoring your children’s needs for food and care - honestly, this smacks of organic changes in the brain. I would quite seriously suggest that your wife get checked out. Get an MRI of the brain first, donate blood for hormones, go to a psychiatrist. No rudeness and no offense, but if a person changes so dramatically, then it is quite possible that the problems are physiological in nature, and not purely psychological. Science knows many cases where a sharp change in behavior towards degradation turned out to be a consequence of a brain tumor in the area that is responsible for social adaptation, for the assimilation of social norms. But I'm afraid that your wife will send you into the forest with a similar proposal. People are rarely ready to even admit the possibility that something may be wrong with their head. By the way, it would be interesting to know what your wife had in her family history of mental disorders. If you are sure that everything is in order with your wife’s head and this is just a demonstration of her attitude towards you and your children, then you should have a serious conversation with your wife and find out what she really wants and what really does not suit her in your family . After all, if she were happy with everything, there would be nothing to shout about. Remember that you are a man and take control of the situation. Let her tell you what she wants. Divorce? This way it can be done without scandals. Why should children watch this? You are both very young, and each has the opportunity to build your personal life from scratch. Why spoil each other's youth without making each other happy or yourself.

• Sergey

  Vitaly, to be honest, it’s difficult for me to imagine this situation, as well as the motives that guide your wife. Maybe she's tired of your spinelessness and complete dependence? Maybe love has passed, the tomatoes have wilted, and the wife is looking for adventure on the side? Although this is a rather thankless task, having two children in your arms. Or perhaps it’s even more banal, and your wife simply doesn’t like sex with you. Unfortunately, this happens quite often. And if most women quietly endure, bringing their own pleasure to the altar of the family, then some break down and begin to make sudden movements. Some people just drop everything, gather up their children and leave. However, for most it is quite difficult to decide on a complete break due to the presence of two children, lack of work and other troubles, but it is no longer possible to live as before. This is how we get such an incomprehensible attitude. Or maybe she’s just tired of everything and wants to get rid of everything. Both from you and from the children. Unfortunately, this also happens. In this regard, I strongly advise you to have a serious conversation with your wife as soon as possible. You are already quite old people, since you managed to give birth to two children, and therefore you must find an opportunity to explain yourself. Otherwise, the growing tension will still bring the situation to the point of absurdity, and a breakup will follow in very high tones with unpredictable consequences. This is bad, if only because later you may have much bigger problems than you even imagine now. So pull yourself together, get ready to find out something not the most pleasant in your life, sit your wife opposite and arrange a debriefing. And even if she doesn’t want to live with you, if she has someone else or something else, then take it for granted, without throwing ashes on your head and wringing your hands. You are a grown man, you have two children, and therefore you must remain calm. Life doesn't end there. Quite the contrary. So think together about what to do next, whether something can be corrected in your relationship, in the intimate sphere, or in something else. If not, then start discussing the breakup. I understand that this is easier said than done, but continuing to endure humiliation is a road to nowhere. And given your not-so-prosperous lifestyle, which is only getting worse every day, it will only get worse. And even a terrible end is still better than horror without end. If the spouse does not want to discuss anything, then I would advise setting an ultimatum. Either we live like normal people, or you leave. After all, you are a man and only 25 years old, and she is a woman with two children in her arms. No, of course, if your missus decides to give up everything and runs away from you, leaving the children to you, it will be very difficult. But even this option will be better than what we have now. So go talk to your wife.

The birth of a baby is associated with a complete restructuring of family life. Inevitably, this important event affects not only the rhythm, schedule, atmosphere in the house, but also the relationship between the new parents. The birth of a common child can unite a family, unite it, but only if the man and woman are mature, balanced individuals who are ready to compromise, listen and hear each other, respect and help.

But reality increasingly paints a different scenario. The relationship between the spouses is rapidly deteriorating, every day alienating the husband and wife from each other, destroying any connection between them. Every member of the family experiences stress, while the man often chooses avoidance tactics and prefers to leave the territory of the house, in every possible way reducing the time spent with the family, while the woman finds herself locked within four walls and the deterioration of family relations especially oppresses her.

The thing is that spouses who are used to living together may not be ready for the appearance of a third family member, and the blame for the destruction of the relationship lies on the shoulders of both of them. Changes occur in the value-semantic sphere, feelings and emotions, sensations of both mom and dad. But for the most part, it is the woman who tries to establish a connection with her husband, regain former intimacy and understand why the relationship with her husband deteriorated after the birth of the child.

Nature of changes

All families are equally happy, but each has its own misfortune. In each individual family, taking into account its characteristics and the relationship between spouses before the birth of a child, changes are expressed differently, but most often one can observe:

• Detachment (a woman notices that her husband has become a stranger, he does not show emotions or interest towards her);
• Avoidance of communication (the man spends more time at work, rarely calls, and in the evenings goes about his business);
• Lack of intimate life (sometimes spouses begin to sleep separately, minimizing moments of intimacy);
• Closedness (the man does not talk about his problems, he has become closed);
• Indifference (there are no manifestations of emotions, both in relation to the child and the young mother);
• Resentment, quarrels (a man can be hurt by any little thing, depending on his temperament, he shows it with furious anger, screaming or silence).

All these manifestations are a signal that a failure has occurred in the relationship. In order to understand why spouses are moving away and find possible ways out of the current situation, you need to identify the root cause, because any changes do not happen in a vacuum; most often, the answer to this question lies in the behavior of both spouses.

What happens to a woman

After the birth of a baby, a woman’s life is increasingly regulated by the will of instincts and boundless feelings for the child. Drowning in the responsibilities of caring for her son or daughter, a young mother forgets about her previous life, habits, favorite things, relaxation and her husband, about everything that may have been an incentive for the positive development of relationships.

It takes time for a man to get used to the fact that there is now another woman next to him; perhaps these changes are not acceptable for him at all, they push him away from his wife and are a reason to look for a relationship on the side.

Basically, changes in a woman after the birth of a baby concern:

• Appearance. A new mother may lose her attractiveness due to weight gain, tired appearance, or lack of self-care. As a rule, for a woman in the first months of a child’s life, her own appearance fades into the background.
• Time distributions and schedules. Caring for a child is a lot of small things throughout the day; any mother plans her day based on the interests of the baby, the main task for her is to provide convenience, comfort and peace to her own child.
• Emotional sphere. A woman directs all her emotions and feelings to her little daughter or son, while her husband remains deprived of her attention. The constant stress that a young mother experiences and changes in hormonal levels manifests itself in mood swings, irritability, tearfulness, and nervous breakdowns.
• Attitudes to life. Value guidelines undergo a radical restructuring, a woman who gives birth instantly forgets about the desire for career growth, expanding her social circle, the main value for her is her own child and his needs;
• Responsibility. A woman who is prone to hyper-responsibility and hyper-custody pushes her husband away from helping with the child, because she is afraid that he will do something wrong and may harm the child.

All these changes in each individual case can have different combinations and degrees of manifestation. A particularly difficult situation arises if the mother suffers from postpartum depression, then she splashes out negative emotions on her husband, and often on the child, heating the situation to the limit.

What happens to a man

No matter how a man tries to control himself, the birth of a child is extremely stressful for him; the manifestations of this emotional pressure, the young father cannot even explain to himself what to say about his wife, who also changed before her eyes in a matter of days.

The awareness of paternity for a man comes much later than for a woman, he does not carry a baby under his heart for 9 months, does not feel it move, so for him the birth of a child is out of the blue, a man needs time to come to terms with and get used to the fact that now there are three of them.

Often a young dad experiences an overwhelming feeling of fear. When the mother’s instinct turns on and she performs many actions automatically, the man does not know how to behave with the child, how to hold him, how to feed him. Fear of the unknown, reinforced by his wife’s reproaches, makes a man want to flee home.

The process of giving birth to a child is not clear to a man, it causes conflicting feelings and emotions; quite often a man loses sexual interest in a woman precisely for this reason; he creates a mental barrier that he is sometimes unable to overcome. Joint childbirth makes the strongest impression on the stronger sex; this is a rather risky undertaking, because it is impossible to predict how the young father will treat his wife after this; different men have diametrically opposed reactions, from the desire to carry his wife in his arms to disgust.

Changing the atmosphere in the house and the rhythm of life also affects the new dad. The apartment is noisy and sometimes not cleaned, sleepless nights, a crying child, lack of proper rest, communication and intimacy with his wife gradually begins to become boring and irritating.

Many men develop a feeling of “uselessness” because they are not given attention, are not trusted with the child, and are not allowed to participate in caring for the baby. In this situation, the man will simply leave the place where he is not needed.

Changes occur within both spouses; here, more than anywhere else, it is important to learn to understand each other’s feelings, respect, help overcome difficulties, for this it is necessary to interrupt the endless turmoil and sit down with your husband at the negotiating table.

How to improve relationships

If a young mother notices that her husband has become different, has changed in behavior, attitude towards her, and does not show interest in the child, she should ask herself the questions that she addresses to a man: “why did he become different?”; “He doesn’t love me like before or doesn’t want to communicate with me?”; “why doesn’t he want intimacy?”

Perhaps the reason lies solely in the woman’s behavior, then to solve the problem you will only need to work on yourself and everything will fall into place. You always need to start with yourself, but if you don’t find the answer within yourself or the strength of a woman alone is not enough to renew a good relationship, a serious heart-to-heart conversation with your husband is simply necessary.

Men do not know how to read a woman’s thoughts, perhaps he is simply lost and does not know how to behave, and the wife perceives this as indifference. Explaining to each other can solve many problems and will allow you to understand and let your spouse’s feelings pass through you.

Young parents should agree on joint care of the baby, fair distribution of responsibilities, opportunities for recreation, both separate and joint, on the help of third parties, grandparents, so that there is time for each other. A woman can tell her husband how to behave in certain situations when she needs help, support, attention.

It is extremely important that the desire to return to the previous relationship comes from both spouses; only under this condition is it possible to achieve harmony and understanding in the family; it is irrational to fight against a closed door. A woman needs to take the first step; as a rule, in this situation she is stronger and more stable emotionally than a man; having received a positive reaction from her husband, she can work together to build close relationships that will satisfy the interests of both.

Steps towards understanding

A woman is the keeper of the family hearth, this human wisdom has been proven over the centuries, a happy marriage is in her hands. The steps she takes in a timely manner will help to avoid a family crisis associated with the birth of a child, or to alleviate it as much as possible. Then the questions “Has my husband stopped loving me? Have you started to avoid it? and the like simply will not arise in a woman’s head.

• Talk and negotiate. Every time a misunderstanding arises, discuss the issue with your husband, do not accumulate resentment;
• Ask for help. For many men, this is an indicator of their importance and irreplaceability in the family, and for a woman, an opportunity to relax;
• Distribute child care responsibilities. Let the man have one task that he must do every day, for example, bathe the baby before bed. This will not only bring the child closer to the father, but will also emphasize the importance of the man;
• Pay attention to your husband. It is not at all necessary to fulfill all his whims every day, but if once a week a woman cooks her husband his favorite dish, he will definitely appreciate it;
• Take care of your own appearance. Simply simple care, clean hair, neat and beautiful clothes are enough to correct your figure;
• Give up perfectionism. All women have weaknesses and shortcomings, it is impossible to achieve the ideal in everything, by giving up cleaning twice a day, you can find a little time for yourself;
• Act gently. Smooth out conflicts, take into account what a man wants, change the tone of the conversation to a calm one, do not demand, but ask, do not shout, but speak, a man will definitely support the woman’s mood.

Of course, there is no universal solution for overcoming a family crisis, but mutual desire and actions appropriate to the situation will certainly lead to success, then the family will only unite after the birth of the baby, become stronger, become a full-fledged unit of society and raise understanding, compassionate, kind and fair children, who, following the example of their parents, will create the same strong families.