TSLeka
Good afternoon
Help me get out of an addictive relationship that I got into of my own free will. The backstory is banal. I am the mistress of a married man. She herself is married. We dated for three years, immediately decided that we were not satisfied with a half-hearted relationship, and I told my husband about our new great love. And as I understand it, it’s a classic of the genre: the children are small, the wife doesn’t earn enough, or the mother-in-law gets sick. And we settled in the interworld, where there was no certainty for me. Or rather, it was “we love each other, but we’ll solve everything.” And this torture of hope continued for a long time. They quarreled, made up, again promises, lies, she herself began to lie. The other day I said that I can’t do this anymore. I feel like a complete fool when they tell me, “Don’t you see that everything is for you! Don’t you see how much I love you.” I swallowed it, and then in the evening they drove me to the house again with the words “well, that’s it for now, as soon as I fall out of the house tomorrow, I’ll dial it.” In general, it is clear that it is a classic.
Now I’m going through withdrawal syndrome, it’s hard, painful, with sobs and pills. I understand that I have painted myself into a corner. “You only care about when I will leave for you!” "No, I don't care what happens to our future, I don't see it." “Oh, don’t you see! I do everything for us, but you see, children...” “I also have a child. And I’m also carrying our child with you, and I don’t understand your vision of our future together.”
Me three years ago and now are two completely different people. Step by step, three years ago, I allowed myself to fall in love, one defense after another from the outside world melted away, my feeling that I was naked, meat out, still alive, sluggishly twitching from your insults. Sometimes they gather in a critical mass and I turn into a screaming, bad woman. I hate myself like this, where is that healthy cynicism that has helped more than once. Everything would be fine, but both are adults, no longer teenagers, and actions speak much more eloquently than words. And I understood everything a long time ago.
So, for today I am an ex-lover, no, he didn’t like that word “beloved person.” Yes, selflessly suffering, but when a dim glimmer of intelligence appears, I understand that there was nothing good in the relationship (I’m talking about prospects, not moments) and I need to get out. And here the light goes out, withdrawal begins, you want to see, call, kiss, damn it, fall to your knees, to hell with you, let’s do it as it is, if only it’s nearby sometimes. This was how it used to be during our quarrels, we made peace at the point of unresolved issues, and stayed there.
I wish I could come up with step-by-step instructions on how to get out of destructive relationships. Step three - I waved the ribbon around myself and let go, step ten - I walked 10 thousand steps and forgot.
Hello TSLeka!
I am very sorry that you have to experience unpleasant emotions while expecting a child...
The relationship with a married man is broken, did I understand you correctly?
I recommend you an article about
The psychologist will answer the topic after a while and try to help you.
TSLeka
Good afternoon
My name is Elena
TSLeka, I would start with the fact that empty hopes must be mercilessly killed. Kill with the determination of an adult, following the instinct of self-preservation.
But let's take things in order.
When developing a love relationship like yours, there are usually two paths:
1. Former lovers break up. I can tell you that in my practice there have been quite a few stories when lovers got together after several years of relationship. And the longer their secret relationship lasted, the less chance they had of transforming this relationship into a normal open relationship. And their separation in such cases is only a matter of time.
2. Former lovers continue their relationship. But here it is important that they consciously find the distance that they are both willing to maintain. If someone is not ready for such a distance, then the relationship turns to the first path.
From your letter, it can be assumed that your man and you want different distances in the relationship. At what point this happened is difficult to say. But I want to warn you that the birth of a child does not always somehow influence the revision of this distance. That is, even after the birth of your common child, your man can leave the distance of your relationship unchanged.
I wish I could come up with step-by-step instructions on how to get out of destructive relationships.
Let's come up with this instruction together. Exactly for you.
I suggest you immediately think about which path you are ready to take?
TSLeka
I don’t have any illusions that I lassoed him and will now pull him in as a child: o))) I always emphasized that I don’t need him by force for nothing. Yes, he offered to move to his country house, and then he would get ready himself. But this is something completely different if we go together.
Which way... Yes, to kill hope, so that it twists and dies. I really don’t like this torture of hope “just a little more, soon, soon.”
But regarding the continuation of the relationship, we tried, it doesn’t work, after a couple of weeks I begin to be overcome by psychosis, which seethes and seethes inside, and then explodes. I can’t control it, I talk a lot, I say it’s offensive, sometimes I yell, I slam doors, I cry, I bring myself to critical hysteria. We scatter in different directions, he under the wing of his wife, I lick my wounds.
Which way... Yes, to kill hope, so that it twists and dies. I really don’t like this torture of hope “just a little more, soon, soon.”
Elena, when a significant relationship breaks down, a void is created. And if you were too dependent on this relationship or on the decision of another person, then this is not just emptiness, but an unrealistically frightening emptiness.
It’s worth starting with filling this void.
That is, gradually begin to fill your life with something that has nothing to do with this person.
Are you ready to do this in the near future?
TSLeka
I have a choice? Rather, there is, to end up in a mental hospital or not to end up there.
I have a choice? Rather, there is, to end up in a mental hospital or not to end up there.
You shouldn’t formulate vital tasks like that.
You have allowed your man to take up too much space in your life. This happens with very strong feelings.
Therefore, at the mere thought of breaking up, your whole body begins to violently resist. It's like voluntarily allowing yourself to have your arm or leg cut off.
If gradually other attachments and interests arise in your life, but the value of your relationship with your man will no longer be so valuable. And it will be easier for you to move away from him to a different distance, up to a complete break.
When a breakup with a highly valuable partner happens very quickly, you will have to fill this huge void very quickly. This is a very difficult task for any person.
In general, you can start filling the void at any stage of the relationship. It is not necessary to create extremely difficult conditions for yourself.
TSLeka
It happened the other way around for me: o) I considered myself quite filled with various priorities, but then I dispersed them on my own. Everything faded into the background, child, work, home, hobbies - a residual principle. What is this called - merging? And the alarm bells of hysterics began when it turned out that my partner could perfectly escape from this state to his priorities - children, wife, family and, oh gods, I realized that I am not a priority, I am, but a residual principle. That’s when, from an ephemeral darling, an understanding and accepting goddess, I began to turn into a vixen who bursts the poor fellow’s brain with a ladle. I saw all this, and they sadly informed me that it was “not the same as before,” I tried to improve, but every time it got worse and worse. There is already some kind of inferiority complex, what kind of idiot am I who trampled great love.
Fill myself up... I have everything left without him, but somehow it’s not joyful or something
There is already some kind of inferiority complex, what kind of idiot am I who trampled great love.
You didn't trample on anything. Dissolved in your loved one - that's true. But this is about something completely different.
Now is the time to restore your priorities. And already remove from the pedestal a man who is not ready to raise you to a high pedestal.
Why did this happen? There can be many reasons. Family life is a pragmatic polyhedron, where love is only one of the facets. If there are many other facets that hold together, then the marriage turns out to be very strong. And in your relationship with your man, feelings turned out to be the strongest facet, while others somehow grew weakly due to various, perhaps objective, reasons. By the way, it is quite difficult to increase boundaries in a relationship if people do not live together, they do not have a common cause, and they do not plan to have children together.
And more about feelings...
Relationships are happy if they are symmetrical in terms of feelings. Therefore, couples where there is not so much love turn out to be quite happy. The main thing is that this is the case for both spouses. If someone loves much more strongly, then drama begins in the couple. Perhaps your man and his wife are quite happily married because they don't really love each other. And this, imagine, may not be a burden at all.
Your man found a sensual relationship outside of marriage. And your relationship has become a very successful addition to his happy marriage.
Whether he realized this or not is difficult to say. But he certainly had no incentive to change anything in this triangle.
TSLeka
That is, the third one is not superfluous at all. And here I also successfully maintained their relationship.
Supporting facets.. We had fun together, there were topics for conversation, interesting leisure activities. When renovations were done in his house, they did it together, his wife did not participate at all. As he said, “I put my soul into it.” And then... Then I began to demand a solution, but there was none.
Will priorities restore themselves? So far there is only apathy, lethargy, I don’t want anything. I understand that I can no longer be with this person on his terms and it’s like a roller coaster, all that’s left is a flatbread without filling.
That is, the third one is not superfluous at all. And here I also successfully maintained their relationship.
Perhaps when you met, your family was less stable than his. You were looking for a reason to end your relationship, and your beloved man just wanted to diversify his routine life.
A woman leaves a man. And the man leaves for the woman.
Most likely he had no intention of leaving anywhere. Your love relationship has become like a holiday romance that has no place in everyday life. And in order for everything to continue, you will have to change too much in life. And this is too much and does not allow such relationships to develop into something more serious.
Will priorities restore themselves?
No, they won’t recover on their own. You'll have to work at it.
TSLeka
Disgusting. Feeling used. And how they swore, how they swore, how they assured. “soon, soon”, “I’ll solve everything.”
We had fun together, there were topics for conversation, interesting leisure activities. When renovations were done in his house, they did it together, his wife did not participate at all.
If there was no serious plan to live together, then interesting conversations, leisure time and renovations in his house, then this is a pleasant addition to his life, and not to yours together. This is such a romantic illusion of a relationship. In fact, this is a relationship that can end at any moment. For example, a wife, mother-in-law, brother-in-law will come to live in the house.
And interesting conversations are like a virtual reality in which you seem to have a man, but in fact he may not be there when you really need it. For example, my wife won’t let me in.
Then I began to demand a solution, but there was none.
Exactly. My wife was most likely against it...
How to get out of a relationship correctly so as not to build the same ones again in the future?
It often happens like this:
not having time to really understand the previous relationships and the mistakes that he made;
without seeing what you can improve in yourself, and what you should give up -
a person is in a hurry to enter into a new relationship.
And with great surprise he notes the fact that the new partner is very much like the previous one in everything, except that the hair color and eye shape are different.
And the whole point is that if it's wrong to leave a relationship If we don’t learn our lessons and don’t change ourselves, then life gives us another chance to learn them, but through another person.
How to understand when a relationship needs to end when it has already exhausted itself?
It is true that relationships must be fought for.
But not when they have already fallen apart, but when they still exist.
It's the same as protecting a house from fire. If the house is completely burned down, then it cannot be saved. And if you take all precautions - do not smoke in the house, do not leave the iron on, install a fire safety system, carefully monitor the wiring, and so on, then a fire can easily be avoided. It's the same in relationships.
Therefore, if people already hate each other and do not want to communicate, then there is nothing left to save. Such relationships do not bring any benefit, they only drain the partners. And the surest decision in such a situation is divorce, the end of the relationship, despite the affection.
In this article I want to talk about how to get out of a relationship correctly so that subsequent ones are at a qualitatively different level.
People can diverge in three states of consciousnessI,
There are three basic mindsets:
- In ignorance.
A person completely refuses any relationship at all in order to avoid recurrence of problems and suffering. The mindset is characterized by the following thought:
“That’s it, no more relationships, no one can hurt me anymore.”
Thus, a person completely cuts himself off from possible relationships in the future, from his happiness. - In passion.
The person decides that it is urgent to build another relationship.
The basic mindset can be described as follows:
"I can't be alone for that long."
And already two weeks after the breakup, favorites appear.
There may be a second option, in which a person is overly invigorated, trying to reassure himself that in fact nothing special has happened in his life:
“It’s okay, what nonsense!”
In this case, the person will have health problems. Because he does not accept his grief, and all difficult emotional experiences go into the body, expressing themselves in some kind of illness. - In goodness.
There are 6 stages of getting out of a destructive relationship. Each stage takes +/- 2 months, everything takes about a year. That is, after a year has passed since the end of the relationship, the person will be ready to build new relationships.
These stages will be discussed further.
6 stages of getting out of a destructive relationship:
1. Emotional response.
At this stage, a person needs to deeply experience his negative emotions. To survive means to acknowledge the fact of separation, accept it and allow yourself to feel the pain and express the pain in the way you want.
The best and most natural way to express your pain is tears. Therefore at this stage possible and necessary cry as much as you want. You absolutely cannot restrain yourself. This applies to both women and men!
When a person cries, he is internally cleansed.
If this did not happen, if a person did not experience his emotions, did not splash them out, then they will settle in the body in the form of various sores and psychosomatic diseases.
2. Support from loved ones.
At this stage, it is necessary to find sources of emotional support in the form of friends/girlfriends/close people. Need a support group.
If during the relationship all your friends and girlfriends became confused, then it is worth renewing contact with them. Close people help you survive and understand this bitter experience, they can listen and support. Thus, at this stage, liberation from negative experiences and pain occurs.
3. Self-care.
Women and men react differently to stress. Women tend to “eat up” stress, and men tend to “wash down” it.
When under stress, a woman forgets about herself, stops taking care of herself and neglects her appearance. This effect arises due to a subconscious desire to show the whole world how bad she is - so that they feel sorry for her, so that they show care and attention. But this has the opposite effect. She neglects herself, and because of this they begin to shun her.
Neither one nor the other form of stress relief for men and women is productive.
What is the best option for relieving stress?
Proper care of yourself, your body, state of mind and emotional state. The better we feel physically, the easier and simpler we cope with stress. Therefore, at this moment you need to take extra care of yourself. This could be some kind of sport, yoga, active outdoor activities, various relaxation and meditative techniques, spa treatments, and so on, depending on preferences.
If at this stage a person says that he has forgiven everything, experienced everything and that everything is fine with him, then soon it is very likely that he may find himself seeing one or more of these doctors: endocrinologist, oncologist, cardiologist and psychiatrist .
4. Avoiding communication with your former partner.
At some point, there may be hope for renewing the relationship. And at this moment you need to realize very well that if little time has passed, none of the partners have learned any conclusions or lessons, have not changed, then even if the relationship returns, it will be absolutely the same. Even if everything “sticks together”, it will be as it was, and as it was, it fell apart.
By analogy with the old Soviet plaster - if you tear it off slowly, the procedure will be painful. Everyone knows that the most harmless method for the psyche is to tear it off quickly.
It's the same with relationships. If they're over, they're over. There is no need to always remember, regret and be interested in the life of your ex-partner in every possible way, call, write, ask “How are you?”. All this happens because of the fear of loneliness.
I emphasize once again: at all these stages, the most dangerous thing is to stay alert. When a person persuades himself: "everything is fine, everything is fine, nothing special happened", he pushes all his emotions into his body.
5. Healing.
At this stage, emotions are no longer so strong, the realization comes: " Yes, your ex-partner is no longer around, but life goes on!". A person ceases to feel like a victim.
At this stage, after almost a year has passed since the breakup, you can afford a new relationship.
You can begin to settle all matters related to the divorce procedure, division of property, children, and so on. Only at this moment can you share everything without emotions, and therefore without damage to yourself.
6. Freedom from previous relationships.
New habits of behavior appear, a different attitude towards oneself, the world, and people.
At this stage, the person has completely freed himself from everything that connected him with the previous partner and is ready to enter into a new relationship.
But if during all this time a person has not emotionally separated from his previous partner and constantly remembers him, thinks about him, reproaches him, then he will be attracted to exactly the same person.
At the previous stages, a person had to analyze what led him to such a result, and draw conclusions, change himself. If you do not realize your mistakes, then the next relationship will be built in the same way and will lead to the same result.
Therefore, the most reasonable thing is to completely free yourself from everything that connected you with your previous partner, from emotions, thoughts, feelings and memories.
Forgive for the pain and thank you for the invaluable experience that it gave, because without it there would be no self-knowledge and self-development.
Having taken all that is most valuable, and forgotten and forgiven what is unnecessary,
move on into a new, different life with a pure and open heart.
Biographers have described it more than once. They had a lot to work with, because after this existential couple there were many letters left. Simone was the initiator of an open relationship, and Sartre easily agreed to such conditions: they both believed that their experiment would help study the phenomenon of human freedom.
Simone herself wrote:
My body is betraying me. I can't control my fire. I have no control over myself.
They agreed not to hide anything from each other, to tell the truth and to trust in everything. Sartre complied with the condition, but Simone could not - it seemed disgusting to her to describe her sexual adventures. Sartre's charm was not strong - he did not attract women, so his position was disadvantageous. At some point, he tried to give up freedom on his part, wrote to his beloved that he no longer wanted affairs. However, all his attempts to end the relationship came to nothing. And yet, the couple lived together for more than 50 years, until Sartre’s death from pulmonary edema.
How men and women decide to have open relationships
In 2016, a YouGov study came out, which showed that only half of everyone wants to have a monogamous long-term relationship and 60% of respondents are in it.
Most often, extroverts who constantly need new contacts and impressions strive for open relationships. People are capable of sincerely loving a partner, but want to flirt on the side. Easy communication invigorates and motivates, helps to bring something new into life.
But not always both partners want the same thing. The girl agrees to an open relationship so as not to lose her partner. In 80% of cases, it is women who initiate open relationships. But even if everything in a relationship is for love, resentment and a feeling of betrayal can wake up at the wrong moment.
The dependent person avoids open conflict, but expresses his dissatisfaction with non-verbal signs, and all this leads to a simple conclusion: relationships in which one tolerates what he does not like ends in drama.
The essence of an open relationship
Being in an open relationship means fighting the constant desire to compare yourself to your partner's other lovers. Couples in an open relationship may have a hard time finding the right time for each other to meet. People may experience too strong feelings, especially jealousy and loneliness, resulting in emotional overload. And despite the statistics, society condemns open relationships, calling it cheating.
Fill in the blanks
Write yourself reminders
If you feel that you need outside help, create it yourself. Write yourself a note, send it by mail or through a special service. You will be pleased to receive words of encouragement:
Hey, I know you don't want to, but you should really go out for a walk. Call your mom and sister. They would like to talk to you.
Deal with emotional pain
Transitioning from monogamy to polygamy can be painful and uncomfortable. You will begin to feel shame, guilt and when you discover that your partner is suffering from dissatisfaction in your relationship. Work through your feelings, seek emotional support, and combat anxiety.
Invest in yourself
If your partner is your only emotional support, you definitely need to expand your social circle. This doesn't mean you need a new romantic relationship. Just new friends or pleasant acquaintances. Your world can't revolve around a man who wants to spend time with other people. Remember what you like, renew old friendships, meet people.
Be ready to admit that freedom is not for you
It's much better to face the potential fear of being alone than to hurt yourself and your new partners. Sometimes a couple simply cannot find a compromise in what they think is comfortable, and then the relationship develops into some other form, similar to a platonic relationship. They can even maintain family relationships without spending time together romantically. The most important thing is to treat each other well, and then you will begin to share boundaries, do not lie, do not manipulate and do not turn everything inside out.
From life:
Maria, 27 years old about open relationships
When my open relationship ended, I suddenly realized that it wasn't the problem. It is difficult for me to maintain communication in general - with friends, with colleagues, with parents, and of course, with lovers. I literally stick to them with my requests and stories about life, trying to get more attention.
Learn a lesson
Learn what didn't work and figure out how to apply those lessons to other aspects of your life.
Rest
There is a famous book: “Ready to Heal: Women Facing Attachment.” Its author, Kelly McDaniel, advises people who have just left a toxic relationship not to fill their day with too many activities. The energy required to withstand a break is equivalent to working a full time job. This may be the hardest work you've ever done. You need rest and solitude.
You tried to build something new and unusual. Some people live in fear for years, afraid of failure, or that their partner will laugh at them, and are careful not to follow their desires. Trying to have an open relationship means that you can be brave and courageous, and you should be proud of the fact that you can get out of your comfort zone.
It often happens that couples break up, people break up, but the relationship itself does not end. This is such a paradox. From the past, we mentally or astrally drag behind us the burden of an unsuccessful romance.
We continue to compare, grieve, remember and relive relationships that have long ended. You and I are strange creatures; when we part, we don’t see that huge prospects are opening up before us, but, on the contrary, we love, remembering the past, to wrap “snot around our fist.” Even when a woman has exhausted herself in a relationship and understands that there is no more potential, and it is advisable to separate, she is afraid to do so. Why is it difficult to make such a decision? Because we are afraid of the suffering that will follow immediately after the breakup. And even if the separation occurred, for some reason we drag this relationship with us. Now I want to tell you why this happens. There are 5 reasons that prevent you from letting go of an outdated relationship, three of them are energetic and two are psychological.
