What to do if you are in a toxic relationship?
“Toxic” is most often called a relationship that leads to “wear and tear” of the psyche of one of the participants. The implication is that your partner has some kind of flaw - addiction, narcissism or psychopathy. And since relationships are “toxic”, they need to be avoided. There can be no talk of any restart or saving the couple. Is it really?
EDGE OF CODEPENDENCY
A great many articles are written urging readers not to associate with “toxic” characters. And everything would be fine if the authors did not proceed from the premise, strange from a psychological point of view, that relationships are a one-sided matter! That is, on the one hand, there is a certain “poisonous” partner, and on the other hand, I am all so healthy and positive. The problem is that any relationship is an interaction between two people. And “toxicity” is definitely the result of your joint efforts. For example, in dependent relationships this reciprocity is reflected even in the name. Thus, only a “codependent loved one,” that is, someone whose psychological organization allows them to withstand such a life, can coexist with an alcoholic or drug addict for a long time. By the way, in a “normal” relationship such a person may feel bad and uncomfortable. It is not without reason that one of the difficulties of addiction therapy is that after an alcoholic or drug addict is cured, psychological problems often begin in those around him. Still would! People were busy with the noblest cause - saving a relative from the clutches of the “green serpent” - and not without reason found in this struggle the meaning of their lives, and at the same time a form of expression of their love for the “lost soul”. And suddenly it was all over! What is it like for a person who has been deprived of both love and meaning at once? Very often, harsh recommendations from psychologists regarding the cessation of all financial assistance to a dependent person are broken precisely by the love of those around him.
FLOWERS OF LIFE
A separate story with the myth that having children strengthens the family. A newborn forces the entire family system of relationships to undergo such a global restructuring that not all couples are able to withstand this onslaught of changes. At this moment, the parents’ lifestyle changes, priorities and values begin to change. And if a young mother concentrates exclusively on the child, and the man tries to maintain the relationship with his wife at the same level, problems are inevitable. If parents unite into a team that raises a child, the prognosis is positive. If a child and mother begin to form a tandem, and the father finds himself on the sidelines of the problems or even in the role of an aggressor, encroaching on their time together, then, most likely, such a family will not last long.
So it’s better to have children with a partner with whom the strength in the relationship allows you to withstand the most unusual transformations.
NARCISSISTS, PSYCHOPATHS AND OTHER DECENT PEOPLE
It is now fashionable to classify as “toxic” relationships with people who have not the most pleasant personal or character traits. Lately, “narcissists” and “psychopaths” have been especially hard hit. However, there are not many people in the general population whose pathological personality traits reach the level of illness, to put it mildly. So the stories about the fact that there are crowds of people with whom it is in principle impossible to build normal relationships are an exaggeration. But in almost each of us, if desired, one can detect narcissistic traits or character accentuations that are very similar to psychopathy. Fortunately, in real life there is the concept of “tropism” - that is, the “traction” of one unhealthy personality towards another. True, this phenomenon also has a reverse, not so optimistic side: if it suddenly turns out that you have been living with a mentally ill person for a long time, it would not be a bad idea to check with a specialist to determine your own adequacy.
If you are attracted to psychopaths or narcissists, this is primarily a story about you, not about them.
NORMAL RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT ARE THEY?
The main criterion for the normality of relations is their open and voluntary nature. That is, if you consciously choose a “problem” person as your partner, this should be your conscious choice. The question most often is not what we are initially, but how we act in a particular situation and what we allow ourselves to do in it. And it is precisely by this criterion that people differ very much, regardless of their psychological “type”. It is not without reason that in counseling practice there are many examples of how those with obviously “pathological” character traits behaved much more noblely towards former partners than “normal” participants in the relationship.
LOVE IS GONE, TOMATOES WILLED
There are many types of relationships that are truly destructive, but not because one of the partners is a “fiend from hell.” Circumstances may develop in such a way that almost any person begins to behave in a way that he did not expect from himself. This type of “toxic” relationship can easily include a situation where partners, in the process of living together, have lost not only love, but also respect for each other, and they do not have the courage to admit this to themselves and separate in time. This can also include all sorts of “impediments” to separation in the form of a single home, mortgage, young children, reluctance to lose social status and other objective circumstances that tightly bind people. This is where mutual destruction begins! In such fights, both sides, as a rule, hit each other's most painful points without missing a beat, because they know very well where they are located.
Breaking up on time is also about taking care of your psychological well-being.
FAMILY COMMUNAL
Another type of potentially toxic situation is being forced to live under the same roof with the parents of one of the spouses. Here, such a tangle of all kinds of “role” intersections immediately forms that not everyone is able to extricate themselves from it with their psyche intact. Meanwhile, this is a common situation for young couples. Renting an apartment is expensive, and earnings don’t allow you to think about buying your own home. And problems begin at all levels - age, role, value, status. Here the devil himself will break his leg, understanding all the twists and turns and difficulties. The right solution to this problem is to move out at the first opportunity.
VALUE CONFLICT
Sometimes an atmosphere develops in society that extremely aggravates issues of value orientations or religious faith. What was not very important yesterday is now becoming important for some people. Recent years have been replete with stories of the rupture of the strongest family and/or friendly relationships precisely because of a discrepancy in values.
ABOUT ROOT CAUSES
In conclusion, I would like to note that in recent years the perception of a happy life as unhindered and problem-free has developed. Any difficulties that require changes on the part of both partners are often perceived and interpreted as abnormal. And the only “adequate” response to difficulties in a relationship is considered to be its termination. With such a philosophy, there is no point in complaining about the lack of “suitable” partners, and even less so about the “toxicity” of relationships. Because the main property of man, which allowed him to become the dominant biological species, is an almost limitless ability to change even in the most “poisonous” conditions.
One of the most frequent questions that readers ask me is: is it really impossible to correct narcissism? What if a person tries really hard? What if you really, really support him?..
I am inclined to the opinion of most experts that these personal breakdowns are extremely difficult to correct or cannot be corrected at all. Therefore, should we be very encouraged by the narcissist’s desire to go to therapy and hope for its success?
Sometimes narcissists write to me “with help”, who are in long-term therapy and note changes for the better. For example, one narcissistic reader is satisfied that he has at least been able to stop drinking, emerged from years of isolation (he describes it as a “narcissistic hunger strike”) and started working again.
I am sincerely pleased by such stories, although I cannot help but understand that it is unlikely that the “enlightenment” of a narcissist, even if he really wants changes in himself, will be long and stable - such that one can be in a relationship with him without feeling like on the volcano.
In addition, the personality of a narcissist, even if he has begun to understand and reconfigure himself, and the personality of a mentally healthy person are still heaven and earth. The “black hole” will not heal completely; idealizations and devaluations and a weak ability for empathy will not go away. At best, the narcissist will learn to treat people more appropriately - and even then he will succeed in this with varying degrees of success. But It is hardly worth expecting profound changes and sustainable results.
A striking example of this is the experience of working with a narcissistic patient of psychotherapist Sergei Sokolov. He wrote a long article about this therapy. Today I am publishing it - I think that you will find it informative to observe the progress of therapy, the patient’s reactions and the therapist’s characteristic sense of self. I will give my remarks at the end of the story, in the second post. I have highlighted some significant points in Sokolov’s article in bold.
(picture on the left, this is not Dr. Sokolov:)
Patient C., 30 years old, has been in therapy for a year and a half, during which time more than 100 sessions have taken place, setting twice a week for 50 minutes. The case is not over. Main complaints when contacting: inability to have sexual relations, which before that day did not exist; frequent depression with one suicide attempt; a constant feeling of one’s own inferiority and inferiority, which does not allow one to establish normal relationships at work. The patient came to me on the advice of a psychologist, after several months of consultations, which they jointly decided to stop due to the aggravation of the process by personal relationships present between S. and the psychologist for some time before the start of consultations.
Previously, the patient attended several psychological trainings. Their results were not very long-lasting: “...the enthusiasm that was present after them was replaced by depression two weeks later, because reality did not correspond to the myth that they were offered to believe in.”
Anamnesis
S. was born at seven months old, with birth injuries, and spent the first few weeks in an “incubator.” His mother looked after him until he was three months old, after which she went to work, and his grandmother cared for the child until he was a year old. At the age of one year, the child was sent to a nursery, from where he was picked up twice a week. The father was constantly on business trips, so the patient remembers him only by the gifts he gave him
brought (“...he felt guilty towards me and tried to pay me off...”).
At the age of 4, S. was hospitalized with an infectious disease, where he cried a lot and then was very offended by his mother for not taking him away from there. When the patient was 6 years old, his younger brother was born, and his mother told him that he would no longer sleep in the same bed with her, as he had before. S. was offended by her and did not communicate with her for a long time, any tactile contacts with his mother became unpleasant for him, and the resentment for this did not go away until he went to therapy.
S. always had problems in relationships with peers. Girls never liked him, they always preferred his friends, he experienced an “inferiority complex” in front of boys, considered them more developed and gave in to them, experiencing a feeling of envy towards them, although somewhere deep down in his soul he felt his own originality. By my own estimation, I have always been greedy.
During puberty, love appeared, but The patient was especially attracted to older women, “from whom one could learn something.” There were practically no relationships with men, because they were built on the basis of “using or being used.” The patient wanted to receive something from this communication, but with the development (deepening) of the relationship friends began to use him, and he broke off the relationship.
Communication with the younger brother was of a “teacher-student” nature.. As a child, he took care of him, but when he had problems with his peers, who sometimes bullied S., he took it out on his brother, doing the same thing to him. This continued until his brother rebuffed him. S. got scared, and from then on the relationship with his brother was very cool, “one might say there was none.” Although from a certain point, the patient began to envy his brother because he had company and girls. At an older age, the patient began to feel a certain guardianship towards his brother. But, as a rule, this came down to “giving” advice.
My father was constantly on the road, and when he was at home, he drank a lot and gradually became an alcoholic. “This is a man who never found himself in this life.” Somewhere during the patient's school years, he and his mother decided that they could live more peacefully alone. During his student years and after them, S. began to feel like the head of the family, i.e. the person who is responsible for the financial condition of the family (after graduating from university, the patient began to earn good money, because his specialty is in demand in the labor market). Currently he is a good specialist.
S. had no close friends; he kept his distance from his acquaintances. Until about the age of 18, I considered myself smarter than my peers, but then I realized that this was not so: “... I could not achieve all the goals that I set for myself..., although professionally I am much higher than my peers... ."
Relations with the opposite sex developed as follows. He was attracted to women who were much older, inaccessible, from whom, in his opinion, he could learn what he lacked - the ability to communicate, be significant to others, and also get what his mother did not give. A very strong attachment and desire for sexual contact appeared towards them. However, in all attempts to improve relations, he found himself in the position of “rejected.”
Then S. tried to “buy” the woman’s favor with various expensive gifts. The patient explains this behavior by saying that he believed that a woman could not love him or want an intimate relationship with him on her own, she can only give in, do a favor, which is what he wanted.
Such relationships could last several years, with periodic depressions leading to short separations and returns. Sooner or later, this led to a breakup on the initiative of women, and the patient felt his complete failure, worthlessness and fell into depression, during one of which he wanted to make a suicide attempt.
If a woman showed interest in him and was ready to get closer, he became alarmed that he might turn out to be sexually ineffective, uninteresting, and not worthy of attention, and he himself stopped communicating, and solved physiological problems with the help of masturbation.
Two years before the start of therapy, the patient began to live separately from his parents. The father drank himself to death, and the patient earned money on which the family existed. At this time, S. gave his mother an ultimatum: either she kicks her father out, or he leaves the house.
The patient sought help in a depressed state, which arose due to another failure with a woman.
Dynamics of the analytical process
During the first three months of work, the main topic discussed in the office was previous and current experience of building relationships, especially with the opposite sex. The patient himself strictly linked this experience to an early (oedipal) traumatic relationship with his mother.
I had the feeling that without solving the problem of sexual relations, the patient would not be able to stay in therapy; it caused too much subjective anxiety, which, in turn, led to objective problems in building relationships with the outside world.
During the initial period of therapy, I periodically had a feeling of confusion and a feeling that the process was somehow going wrong and that I should do something. The patient remained cold, without emotion, described the events, actions, and people I asked about. After the meeting ended, I usually felt dissatisfied and empty.
Memories of deep childhood, youth, student years, and the recent past were analyzed. My questions were aimed at clarifying and identifying patterns in relationships with people, regardless of their depth, duration and subjectively determined significance.
The technique I chose at this stage was largely manipulative, but not directive. Explanations, confrontations, combined with acceptance and inclusion, in my opinion, should have allowed S. to turn his inexplicable fear of a woman into anxiety, which would be “tied” to specific frustrations, events, objects, which would strengthen his Ego and increase “ potency" of the relationship.
Here is an example of one such session:
Patient: After psychological courses, I met a girl... I liked her...
Analyst: Was this acquaintance lasting?
P.: No, we met several times... the last time at a party with one boy from these courses.
A: Did something happen at this party?
P.: Yes, everything is the same. There was an opportunity to have an intimate relationship with her, but it did not work out.
A.: Maybe you can tell me more about this girl?
P.: She was a young, beautiful girl, as it seemed to me then. Long hair, good figure... I saw her several times and only once in an informal setting, at this party. We drank a little there, danced... ended up together in the bathroom, and that's it. After that I didn't see her again.
A: Did she do something in the bathroom that led to a complete break in the relationship between you?
P.: Yes and no. It happened. I again refused the sex she offered.
A.: She offered it in such a way that it was better to refuse?
P.: I don’t know, it’s unlikely, just the same thing happened to me as usual. I began to be afraid, I began to shake, my speech became confused, I began to come up with reasons why I didn’t want to do this with her and, in the end, I realized that she simply stopped being interesting to me.
A.: Can you tell me about her behavior at this party?
P.: I can, but why, I don’t know, (after a short silence) I flooded my shirt and went to the bathroom to wash it. She went to help me. She came in, closed the door, and when I took off my shirt, she started hugging me, kissing me... I told her that I didn’t want that now. She even began to disgust me then. I got dressed and went out.
A: How did the girl react to this?
P.: I don’t remember, but it seems I was unhappy or surprised, I don’t remember...
A: Why did this happen, do you think?
P: In order for me to have an intimate relationship with a woman, she must have certain qualities: be more experienced than me, have no complexes, be independent. Otherwise, she becomes uninteresting to me. And I just can’t have sex. May be, I'm just looking for a substitute for the mother who didn't satisfy me as a child.
A.: What is a “mother substitute”?
P: This is probably the woman I described. Well, that's how it seems to me.
A.: It would probably be very easy to have sex with such a woman, but perhaps it would be sex of unequal partners, like sex between a mother and a child?
P: Maybe (silence) I’m confused. This is just an image of a woman whom I want to meet and with whom I want to have a relationship... (After a short silence) Are you saying that this also applies to the situations that we examined? I don't know, maybe, but I don't feel it. Although, maybe there is something in it. I also abandoned my mother in childhood, or rather, her care and affection. But here it’s completely different, here it’s about sexual relations, this didn’t happen in childhood...
This was the third similar case that we dealt with. The explanatory model that I proposed to him here was intended to “bind” the anxiety that constantly accompanied the patient after such situations and could counter the feeling of one’s own inferiority, inferiority, inability, ultimately, one’s own “badness.” All these feelings in the patient at this stage were concentrated on the inability to establish normal sexual relationships, after each attempt to establish which a depressive state arose. The patient could not resolve the problem of internal feelings of inferiority on his own.
Unconsciously, he solved it through a constant search for external confirmation of his significance, mainly this manifested itself in the desire for professional growth and professional excellence. (“...A young man whom I began to teach brought me out of my last depression; I felt my importance...”).
At the next session, the patient said that after the last meeting there was a very light state, “there was a feeling that I had left something here that bothered me...”. At the same meeting, S. said that as a child he suffered from enuresis.
Patient: Until the third grade, I suffered from enuresis, which caused great trouble, especially in the pioneer camps, where my parents sent me from the first grade... I was very embarrassed about it, and It seemed to me that everyone was laughing at me.
Analyst: You only told me this today because something has changed in our relationship?
P.: No, for some reason I just forgot to tell you about it earlier.
At this session, the patient was most open, talking about his plans at work and about his upcoming date with a woman.
After this meeting, S.’s attitude towards the analytical process changed dramatically. I made the mistake of thinking that a new stage had begun in our relationship, that the patient felt safe and trusted me. Most likely, this is what happened, but I did not take into account that S. is not capable of having such close contact for a long time, and it must necessarily be followed by a complete break in the relationship.
P.: There is very strong irritation after our last conversations... I didn’t want to come here today. There is a feeling that what we are doing is useless; we want to feel progress, to feel that we are improving, but this is not the case.
A: Is this because I learned something in the last meetings that I would rather not know?
P.: No. But no progress is visible... It’s also a pity for money, when there is no progress, it’s unclear what you’re paying for...
A.: You say this, meaning that I work poorly and do not earn the money that you pay me. Maybe we can discuss this?
P.: No, I don’t want to discuss anything, I’m not interested in all this... I don’t want anything, I want to be alone, I want to listen to what’s going on inside you... I got the feeling that you have a negative attitude towards me, but I wanted it to be a neutral attitude...
A.: Did you come to this conclusion because I allow something in our relationship that is better not to do?
P.: No. Just I feel in a “low” position. You are associated with the teacher, and I am associated with the student.
A.: If I did not give a reason for such a conclusion, then perhaps there are other reasons?
P: Yes, it seems, but I don’t want to discuss it.
After this session and S. decided to stop therapy, but a month later, on his initiative, the analysis was resumed. During this month, the patient established promiscuous relationships with women, and his anxiety decreased. The main problem that he now wanted to solve with the help of analysis was the diminished, but debilitating anxiety, inability to love, mechanistic relationships with others and,
especially with the opposite sex.
The technique I chose to work with the patient at this stage: full acceptance, empathy, inclusion, rare explanations. I was quite active during the sessions and asked a lot of questions. In addition, I constantly kept distance in our relationship. If the patient experienced regressive symptoms (which was quite rare) and the distance was reduced, I made sure to leave time at the end of the session to discuss what was happening.
During the first few meetings after the break, there was an atmosphere of irritation in the analysis room. After the sessions, I was left with a feeling of the futility of the ongoing process and a complete lack of understanding of what was happening.
A.: You told me very little about your childhood, maybe we’ll talk about your friends or acquaintances who you remember. From kindergarten, school, etc.
P.: There were no such people... I remember one moment... the girl kissed the boy, but I didn’t... we were 7-8 years old then.
A.: Even if the girl liked that boy better, it was still very offensive. I can imagine how a little boy must feel in such a situation.
P.: Yes, I was very offended then and felt my inferiority complex in full force. I envied him...
This approach made it possible to create a situation in which S. felt safe, I accepted him without commenting, without explaining, making it clear to the patient that his emotions, desires, fears have a right to exist and, showing them within the walls of the office, he is met with even friendly attitude, and in some cases - empathy.
On the other hand, my attention, focused on the emotional states that arose during the sessions, allowed me to better understand what was happening in the patient’s soul “here-and-now”. After a few sessions this yielded results.
P: Now I am beginning to understand why I decided to stop analyzing then. I felt some unnaturalness of what was happening. Your questions and comments were not true, they did not correspond to how I saw and understood it. This made me feel even more insecure, it built up, and then I just ended the relationship.
A.: This conclusion seems quite plausible to me. This probably happened because I didn’t know and understand you well enough at that time. Do you think the level of trust that exists in our relationship now would allow us to discuss such a situation if it arose again?
P: Yes, I began to trust you a little more. I don’t know, I only realized this now, but then it all happened unconsciously... Maybe it will happen again, for me this is a habitual form of behavior.
This was a small insight, both for the patient and for me. It became obvious to the patient that in our relationship he uses habitual patterns of behavior, and one such form of behavior became conscious, it became ego-dystonic. It became obvious to me that my active behavior attacked the patient’s defenses and, thereby, made his ego even weaker, therefore increasing anxiety.
At one of the sessions, at my request, the patient told me in detail about all the girls with whom he was in a relationship at that time. The session then proceeded as follows:
A.: Is there anything in common in our relationships and relationships with these girls?
P.: I keep my distance, I try not to get attached, therefore I am cold... The situation with you is different. The relationship is more or less trusting, but it is unnecessary to become attached to you... You can become attached to something, but you are an unknown person to me, for me it can be too traumatic.
A: Am I doing something that is causing concern?
P.: If I am attached to someone, then any refusal is perceived as too traumatic for me, but trust is deserved...
A: How can I earn your trust?
P.: I don’t know. Our relationship is formal, I pay money for it. There is a proposal, let's go to the bathhouse and conduct one lesson there, I will fully finance this event.
A: This is a very interesting proposal. Maybe we can first discuss why I can win your trust in the bathhouse, but in the office I can’t?
P.: (after a short silence) I can’t lead in relationships, I feel negative when I understand that I am responsible for the developing relationship.
At this point, the session time ended. I perceived this session, on the one hand, as another reminder to me by the patient about the need to maintain a certain distance, and on the other, I felt a tendency to reduce it on his part, which caused a certain anxiety in S. Anxiety arose, perhaps, because the patient experienced homosexual feelings towards me, which could not be accepted by his rigid Super-Ego.
At this session, I did not focus on the manifested homosexual feelings, and after some time the patient himself returned to this topic.
P.: I had a dream: I’m with a girl I know, we’re about to have intimacy... I start to take off her panties, and it turns out it’s not a woman, but a man... I feel very disgusted... I sit down on the edge of the ottoman , he persuades me, pesters me... I am completely at a loss, but then I turned around and punched him in the forehead...
A: Can you describe this man?
P.: Yes, about thirty... Maybe it was you too, I had this thought...
A.: Is there a sexual connotation in our relationship?
P.: (silence) It feels like there is something..., I don’t know what, but there is... I don’t know how to describe it, it’s not a desire for sex, but sometimes some sensations arise, and it gets disgusting...
A.: Do you think there is something in common between the proposal to go to the bathhouse and these sensations?
P.: I also thought about this now... but the main thing in my proposal to go to the bathhouse was the desire for spiritual rapprochement... Although, probably unconsciously, I wanted maybe something else, but it was completely unconsciously... For some reason it’s very disgusting to talk about this topic (silence). Now suddenly I remembered that I had similar feelings towards both my father and my brother... This happened once or twice (silence).
I was about 16 years old, or maybe younger, I remember this arose first to my father, and then to my brother... But then it was very unpleasant and disgusting for myself that you had such thoughts...
A. (I felt a certain discomfort): Speaking on this topic now, you must feel unpleasant feelings. Could you describe them?
P: Yes, it’s awkwardness and the desire to stop talking about it.
A: We can't talk about these feelings because they might hurt one of us, or they might do something else?
P: No, I don’t know why. I can probably talk about this with you...
At the next session we continued discussing this topic. S. came to the conclusion that homosexual feelings arise in him only in a “passive position”, when he must obey someone. This situation happened in our relationship at the beginning of therapy. The emergence of such feelings towards his father and brother is also due to his passivity at that time in his life. This then manifested itself in everything: “...and the fact that I had this dream right now and I was able to realize that I have these feelings is probably connected with some processes that are happening inside me... in the end After all, something happened, if I can talk about it, I can admit it to myself.”
In the process of work, constantly manifested oedipal problems, manifested in relationships with both mother and father and brother, were able to be connected with earlier memories, fantasies and designated a “castration complex.”
P.: After sexual relations I sometimes have very unpleasant feelings. On the one hand, they are unpleasant, and on the other, they excite... I have a feeling that behind these feelings lies something very deep, these feelings are somehow unnatural...
A.: Are such feelings familiar, have they ever arisen before?
P.: Yes. Now I remembered how my mother walked in front of me in a nightgown when I was six or seven years old... It was also unpleasant, somehow strange, but on the other hand, it was exciting... I always liked women older than me; teachers, coach's wife, high school girls... and I always thought they were free, I was once convinced that the men who are next to them are not competitors, they simply have to give in to the woman I liked...
A.: Did the same happen with your mother?
P.: (after a short silence) Yes, probably...
(Ends in next post)
Narcissistic personality disorder is a personality disorder whose main symptoms include inflated self-esteem, feelings of superiority over others, and an inability to empathize with others.
This anomaly occurs in less than 1% of adults, mainly in men.
The roots of this term go to ancient Greek mythology.
Narcissus, an unusually beautiful but cruel young man, rejected the love of the nymph Echo and could only fall in love with his own reflection in the stream. He couldn’t stop looking, couldn’t hug his own image, so he stopped eating and drinking, and died of unrequited love.
Reasons for development
The causes of narcissistic personality disorder lie in childhood. This psychopathy is not congenital. In most cases, this is the result of improper upbringing.
Two extremes can lead to the formation of this personality disorder: both excessive love of parents and complete indifference to the child.
Children raised in single-parent families, without parents, in families where parents did not pay due attention to the child, constantly feel a lack of love and a feeling of dissatisfaction. As a defense mechanism, over time, such a child begins to convince himself that he is special, strives to arouse admiration from others, to achieve heights.
Narcissistic personality disorder can also develop in children who grew up in an atmosphere of excessive love and admiration. Only and late children, as a rule, bask in the love of their parents. Every step, every, even minimal, achievement is accompanied by encouragement and even praise from parents. Over time, such children and adolescents begin to consider themselves special and overestimate their own merits, which can also lead to the formation of narcissistic psychopathy.
Signs
The main symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder:
- inflated self-esteem;
- the desire for unlimited power, wealth, beauty, fantasy on this topic;
- the need for excessive admiration from others;
- confidence in his own exclusivity, such a person believes that he should only be friends with “special” people like himself;
- inability to sympathize with other people and understand their experiences (lack of empathy);
- using others to achieve one's own goals;
- confidence that others envy him;
- demonstrating one's own disdain for others, arrogance.
A narcissistic psychopath not only strives for success, he wants to achieve universal recognition, praise for his own superiority. Having not experienced parental love and support in childhood, or, on the contrary, having become accustomed to receiving it in abundance, such a person will be in dire need of it as an adult.
It cannot be said unequivocally that psychopathy of the narcissistic type has a negative effect on a person; there are also positive aspects. Such people are ambitious, prone to fruitful activities, they are hardworking, and achieve their goals. But there is one significant drawback - in their pursuit of fame and success, they use other people as a means of achieving their goals, neglecting them, their feelings, and needs.
Relationships with other people at work and in family life
When choosing a field of professional activity, such people always give preference to the one that promises public recognition and quick fame.
A person with narcissistic personality disorder can become a big boss and bring a lot of benefit to his enterprise or company, but his subordinates have a very hard time.
The narcissist is not inclined to form strong relationships with other people and does not know what friendship is. He is used to using others for his own purposes, while helping someone, respecting, caring for someone is not in his rules.
It will be difficult (not to say impossible) for a narcissistic personality to create a harmonious marriage. After all, he is not used to listening to the needs of another person, supporting, empathizing.
He will always demand constant admiration from his wife, compliments for the slightest reason and without. At the same time, all the events occurring in the life of his spouse will be indifferent to him, moreover, if they go against his plans, he will be angry and will not understand the reasons.
A woman who has connected her life with a narcissistic man can count on material wealth, but she will not see love, care, support, or respect.
Narcissistic personality disorder has some similarities with. Both pathologies are manifested by the need for the admiration of others; all the actions of such people are aimed at attracting someone’s attention and achieving admiration.
However, the hysterical is just an actor who needs an audience to express himself, his excessive emotions, so that he has someone to manipulate. At the same time, hysterics are able to empathize with other people, share their joys and worries. Narcissists, on the other hand, lack empathy; the only thing that interests them in life is wealth and power.
Narcissistic psychopaths share similarities with borderline personalities. Both of these personality disorders are distinguished by a desire to act, the ability to achieve heights, non-acceptance of other people's criticism, and outbursts of anger.
People suffering from this are not capable of long-term, purposeful activity; outbursts of anger may occur not only in connection with someone else’s criticism, but also without any reason. Narcissistic individuals, on the contrary, put success at the forefront of everything, they work tirelessly and systematically move towards their goal.
Weaknesses, consequences
Fragile self-esteem, the desire for beauty, wealth are the “Achilles heel” of the narcissistic personality. Having failed to achieve his goal, he may become depressed.
No matter how high a person with narcissistic disorder achieves, deep down he will not feel happy. He will be filled with envy of others that they have something that he does not have. At the same time, he will painfully need admiration from other people.
Over the years, he will also begin to feel that health and external attractiveness are not eternal, and this can also lead to the development of neurosis.
A disdainful attitude towards others, an inability to listen to others, including management, can negatively affect the career of a narcissist. Inflated and at the same time fragile self-esteem, the inability to accept defeat can develop into depression.
Treatment
The most effective treatment for narcissistic personality disorder is psychotherapy. In most cases, drug treatment is powerless, because the problem lies in the person himself, in his perception and attitude towards the world and other people.
Persons suffering from such a disorder do not come to the doctor. The relatives of such a person - wife (husband), mother, brother, sister - can insist on medical assistance.
The psychotherapist will make every effort to help a person overcome childhood problems, learn to listen to the feelings and opinions of other people, and take them into account. You need to learn how to build constructive relationships with other people and conduct productive dialogue.
Another point of application will be a person’s self-esteem. Although such people treat others with disdain, they constantly need their admiration, and this must be overcome.
Narcissistic personality disorder does not respond well to psychotherapeutic correction; in order to feel visible changes, it will take a long time and serious work on oneself.
Stress and life difficulties can lead to the development of depression or neurosis, in which case drug treatment may be necessary.
From first dates, not only pleasant memories and bouquets of flowers remain. It often tells us that not everything is all right with a new acquaintance. And okay, if he’s just a narcissistic guy, it’s worse if he’s a hidden psychopath. Representatives of both types are clearly those with whom you should not build relationships.
However, sometimes it is vital to be able to distinguish one from the other. Narcissist or psychopath? How men from whom you need to run think and act is revealed in detail by a study by psychologist Joe Navarro, published in a Psychology Today review.
A nonverbal communication expert with 35 years of experience as an FBI profiler found himself face to face with the most dangerous men on the planet. His book, Dangerous Personalities, a national bestseller, provides an inside look into the secret world of people for whom violence against others, psychological or physical, is a way of life.
Manipulators, narcissists and psychopaths - how to recognize problematic gentlemen when dating?
Behavioral scientist and former FBI agent Joe Navarro spent 35 years studying the main differences between people with different psychological diagnoses.
- What distinguishes problematic men and how can you quickly recognize who you probably shouldn’t get acquainted with?
- Who should you run away from without looking back, and who might just be a not-so-pleasant interlocutor, but a completely normal potential lover?
Narcissists and psychopaths share common characteristics, but overall they differ significantly in their attitude and potential for negative impact on those close to them. It’s better to keep your distance from both of them, and you certainly shouldn’t choose these types as partners for life.
There are 2 types with whom you definitely should not build relationships: narcissists and psychopaths.
Narcissist or self-lovers
Navarro claims that a characteristic feature of narcissists is the desire to elevate themselves by humiliating others.
These types of men consider themselves special, outstanding, ideal, sinless - in general, they do not skimp on compliments to themselves, not wanting to praise others even out of politeness. They are always right, above any rules and laws, do not admit their mistakes, and are not responsible for the results of their actions. Everything good in this world happens only thanks to them. Everything bad is definitely the fault of everyone else.
Narcissists divide society into themselves and others. Nobody can reach their level. They belittle any actions of loved ones (colleagues, subordinates, family members), ridicule cherished desires, criticize ideas, despise or do not pay any attention at all. They respond to a challenge not with composure, but with rage. Incapable of true sympathy, understanding, experience or empathy. They consider themselves perfect in all areas of life, even if they have a disgusting character or obvious flaws in appearance.
15 Typical Traits of a Narcissist
Sometimes it seems incredible how arrogant and arrogant these people are (these adjectives can also be added to the description), but they can be easily identified by the following 15 judgments and phrases:
- I love myself and you love me. In fact, everyone loves me - it’s hard to imagine that there are people who are incapable of this.
- I don't have to apologize. It is you who must understand, accept and tolerate me, regardless of what I say or do.
- I have few equals in this world, at least I haven't met anyone like that yet. I am the best employee, entrepreneur, lover, student (most often all at once).
- Most people are useless. If I don't manage them, they won't achieve anything.
- Rules and obligations are for you, not for me. I have neither the time nor the desire to comply with them. People with above average intelligence don't need pointers.
- I hope you appreciate my wonderful personality, as well as my impeccable actions, committed for your own good.
- I would like you and I to be equal. But you understand that this will never happen. Just in case, I will often remind you that I am the smartest in this room. And tell me how well I did at school. And how cool I am raising my children. You should be grateful for all the experience that I am passing on to you completely free of charge.
- I may seem arrogant and arrogant. Actually it's not like that I’m just very different from you, it’s hard for you to admit it.
- I expect you to be lenient with me in every situation, no matter what I do or say. However, don't expect the same from me.
- I will criticize you– accept it. But if you dare to voice your grievances, especially publicly, I will unleash the full force of my rage on you. And one more thing: I never forget anything, I don’t forgive, and I will take revenge on you in any case - in word or deed.
- I expect you will be interested in my impressive achievements and my hour-long stories about them. In turn, your personality and the actions you have committed are not at all interesting to me, so do not expect me to be curious about the details of your life. I don't care.
- I don’t manipulate - I just know what’s better and more correct. So what if it makes you uncomfortable or hurts your feelings. Did I mention that I don't care? Feelings are for weaklings.
- I clearly deserve gratitude for everything I do. And you just did what was required of you, what kind of approval do you expect?
- I only hang out with the best of people, and, frankly, most of your friends are not up to this level.
- Life would be so much better if you would just obey me and followed all my recommendations.
A narcissist - clearly not the worst type of man - will perhaps become the brightest memory of your life: when will you ever be able to live for something so unique, work with someone who is equally unique, or be led by an individual who is ideal in all respects.
It is enough to talk with the victims of such relationships to understand that such a lesson of humiliation and indifference is better learned in theory than in practice.
It is typical for a narcissist to desire to assert himself at the expense of others and prove that he is higher and better. Photo: Stock image.
Psychopath or predator
Now let's move on to psychopaths.
Talking about them is a little more difficult because of the terms and definitions that have been a long-standing stumbling block for sociologists, psychotherapists and criminologists.
Medical textbooks describe a psychopath as a person who unscrupulously takes advantage of the physical, mental, emotional, psychological and financial resources of others.
- Often in popular science articles, psychologists do not use the names of diagnoses to characterize dangerous individuals. They prefer the collective word "predator".
- It is believed that the analogy with an animal feeding on its own kind is more understandable to a reader without medical education.
- In addition, the boundaries between psychopaths, sociopaths, antisocial personalities and maniacs are so blurred that it is safer to classify them into one category without going into diagnostic subtleties.
Victims of violence do not care whether the manipulative man who put a knife to their throat or took away all their last savings was a psychopath or a sociopath. The only thing that worries them is how to recognize this type of people in the future and interact effectively with them, and which men they should be wary of.
A psychopath is a solitary predator by nature. He is not looking for universal love and recognition, he simply uses people for his own purposes. Photo: Stock image.
Predators Among Us
Unfortunately, predators have always existed, under different guises and names. The word “evil” is mentioned more than six hundred times in the Bible alone. In ancient times and now, this word in any of its forms somehow relates to the behavior of a predator. Violence against the individual without remorse is what unites Cain in the Book of Genesis and a serial killer in the metropolis.
Predators live by using the full potential of others to their advantage. Contrary to the stereotype, such people do not always belong to the lower social strata. Some truly live in lawlessness, robbing the streets and looting. But there are also those who commit chaos at a prestigious job in a respectable office. They do not obey rules and laws; morals and ethics do not exist for them. They do not know how to feel sorry for people and take advantage of every opportunity, moment of weakness, vulnerable place in order to squeeze the maximum benefits for themselves from their victims.
If you think that you are safe, believe me, the predator will bypass any obstacles and break all defense mechanisms on the way to its goal. He is not capable of self-control, does not know how to restrain himself from causing harm, and takes pleasure in the rights of people. And he considers all other people who behave normally to be “suckers” who “deserved it themselves.”
Joe Navarro's book, Dangerous Personalities, explains how to identify people who could seriously harm you and protect yourself.
15 Typical Traits of a Psychopath
All predators have one thing in common: they don't care about anything that matters to others.
Respect for the individual, social standards, and the desire for growth are not a priority for them. It is much more important not to go to jail. Human life is a prey for which predators have no pity. Their actions are never independent, only in conjunction with the victim, which they use as a donor of resources. They are two-faced, poor in spirit, deceitful, immoral, cold, merciless and insensitive.
Unlike narcissists The only purpose in life of psychopaths is the exploitation of other people.
Quotes from conversations with psychopathic predators are frightening, as is their attitude towards themselves, the value of human life and their victims. If you notice a similar way of thinking in a loved one, this is a very alarming signal.
- Who cares about human rights? What about my rights? Who will take care of me if not myself?
- Laws and rules are there to be broken. There is always a clever way to circumvent restrictions.
- Most people are stupid. They themselves know that they are being deceived at every step. It's not my fault if they can't defend themselves.
- Women themselves deserve this attitude: just look at how they dress and behave. Do you think they don't realize the effect it has on men?
- Deception? Everyone lives like this, in this life everyone is for himself. I am no more deceiving than the bank from which you take out a loan.
- Okay, I lied, so what? Everyone lies. In any case, I had no other choice.
- Only idiots obey the laws. Smart people know how to get by without them and not get caught by the police.
- It is not my fault that anyone is suffering. If he finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time, that's his problem. No one is safe from accidents.
- I don't know why I did this. Just wanted.
- I don't know what emotions are. I don't understand their meaning. My feelings are the same every day.
- Yes, I have a long track record. My whole life was spent in prisons and trials. It's not my fault - the police are just sharpening their grudge against me.
- She begged for her life, but at that moment it didn't matter– I felt great pleasure from being in control of her.
- She kept saying no, but I didn't stop. I just didn't want to stop.
- She kept arguing with me so I had to hit to keep her quiet. What is the problem? She asked for it herself, she knows my character.
- Any type of investment is risky, so in some ways investors are also to blame– it was greed that brought them to me.
Notice how much indifference and callousness there is in these individuals. They have no conscience or morals; they do whatever they want and fully justify every step they take.
In most cases, even long-term work with a psychotherapist does not have any effect on them - their character cannot be changed. If they need you, your resources, or something valuable that you own, they will care for you like a boa constrictor mouse.
If a psychopath wants something from you, no amount of your defense will stop him. The only way is to run away. Photo: Stock image.
Differences between a psychopath and a narcissist
There are more than 200 specific characteristics that distinguish a psychopath from a narcissist.
However, the main question that you need to ask yourself at the first doubt about a person’s adequacy is: “What is his goal in communicating with me?”
- Does he need my approval and flattery?
- Or does he want something else?
- If so, what does he need?
Both types have their own central feature.
- An important distinguishing feature is that A narcissist is a public person. He loves speaking in front of an audience, appreciates flattery and recognition, servility and praise.
- A psychopath, on the contrary, prefers solitude and detachment. Therefore, any actions by a man aimed at isolating you indicate an increased level of danger.
This person will try to quarrel with your family, friends, and discredit anyone whose opinion you trust. He will seek to control your mind and emotions, or worse, create a situation in which he can take control of your body. Any enclosed space is suitable for this: a parking space between two vans, the inside of a car, a hotel room or an apartment.
If a psychopath wants your money, he will convince you to invest in a profitable business, without giving you the opportunity to consult with a financier or loved ones. He will do his best to suppress any of your attempts to ask for the opinions of others: he will create urgent circumstances, set a time limit, and come up with any other excuses to not give you the opportunity to think or call someone on the phone for consultation.
And if it seems to you that there are no such individuals in your society, do not flatter yourself.
It’s easy to meet a narcissist or psychopath in your life - it could be your colleague, manager, or new acquaintance.
- The faster you identify who is who, the more thoroughly you figure out which men you need to leave, the greater your chances of not becoming a victim of persecution.
Remember: in any situation in life you do not have to be a victim or a martyr. Take care of yourself.
Main photo: Stock image.
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