Now my husband occupies a good position, often meets with officials, politicians, famous people in our city. His salary is much higher than mine. And my self esteem has skyrocketed! He is almost never at home! A child, a house, a life, lessons, a school, a children's clinic - everything is on me! The husband does not consider it something heroic! I don't think so either. But the husband never showed interest in the success of his first-grader son! I didn’t look at his copybooks and notebooks! Moreover, he went to the first of September of a child in the first grade only because I threatened him with a divorce. He had important events that day! He never cares about my health! Doesn't ask about test results. He thinks that if something terrible happens, I will tell him myself! Sometimes it seems to me that he will not notice if my son and I disappear from his life.
As you can imagine, I drink it! Complain, annoy, etc.We are different! We perceive events and actions in completely different ways. I reassured myself that a person cannot be remade, such is his character, etc.
One day, I opened my home computer and saw that my husband had left an open page on a social network. He leads a group in the social. network dedicated to the patriotic education of youth. Yes, I read the correspondence with the band members. I didn't recognize my husband! With what sensitivity he corresponds with the girls! Interested in their health. He asks if she can participate in a flash mob, because her leg hurts. Gives advice on how to quickly restore muscles. And all this is accompanied by emoticons and funny pictures! Girls, of course, give him all sorts of signs of attention, flirt, make ambiguous hints.By the dates and times of the correspondence, I realized that at work until late, he disappears not at meetings, but on the social network! And by the dates of the photos, I saw that on weekends, when he tells me that I need to go to work and work on papers, he organizes meetings with club members.
You know, my husband writes me the same SMS every day: “I'll be late!” He doesn't even put an end to it! On that day, I asked him why he never wrote me something that he writes to his patriots? Why does his concern and participation extend only to them?
The answer was obvious: I got it all wrong! I see the situation as it is more profitable for me and with the aim of blaming my husband!
We are both tired! He does not understand that offends me! He thinks that if I am offended, then these are my problems! He can't just comfort and pity me. I'm tired of feeling superfluous and unnecessary! He is tired of my claims and emotions!
Learn where to put your emotions? How not to torture yourself? Do not expect understanding, participation, care? What to do with the accumulated resentment? How to get rid of the feeling of injustice? How not to annoy your husband?
Irina, good afternoon!
I sympathize with your situation - it’s really very disappointing when a loved one year after year is not interested in your life and the life of a child, but does everything only in their own interests. Immediately many hypotheses are born about the reasons for this behavior. As if you are an enemy and are dangerous to him in some way, and you need to be protected from. Or as if he doesn't have empathy and doesn't know how to attach (which is believed to be characteristic of psychopaths who can show empathy when it suits them, but do not feel sympathy) I understand your dissatisfaction and desire for a warm relationship in which you can rely on each other and share your feelings. I understand that it is very painful to think - "my husband does not care about me and the child."
I'll try to answer your questions:
- Where to put your emotions? Emotions are not going anywhere - you do not control them, they arise naturally in the body in response to different situations in your life. And the more you suppress or ignore them, the more they accumulate and crush. I would recommend, on the contrary, to be more attentive to your needs - the need for love, acceptance from a loved one is normal. Here, rather, the question arises - what makes you believe and hope after so many years that your spouse will change and suddenly it will give you everything? And how long are you willing to endure and wait? Are you ready to live like this for the rest of your life?
- How not to torture yourself - in order not to torture yourself, you need to start taking care of yourself. 1 - recognize your needs and feelings as important, worthy of attention, yourself - worthy of care. 2 - get the support of close people, friends who are able to give such support - sympathy, empathy, maintain a dialogue. 3. - to be aware of those moments in which you torment yourself, answering your questions: what am I doing with myself now? How long do I plan to do this? do i like the effect? 4. - start gradually taking care of yourself on your own - communicate with those with whom it is pleasant, and not with those who speak nasty things, notice conditions that are uncomfortable for you and look for comfortable ones, replenish your resources.
- How not to wait for understanding, participation and care? It seems to me that it is impossible not to expect this from close people, even in the most healthy warm relationships, this is a very natural expectation, in my opinion. But from people who are not close, we usually do not expect anything like that. If, for example, you experience powerlessness and disappointment, you realize that you are not ready to wait any longer and leave your husband or live together as neighbors, you will no longer expect all this from him. Resentment and expectation and hope is a way to maintain relationships that do not exist, because real ones hurt too much. In the meantime, you are offended, angry, demanding, there is hope for change, but the price for it is pain.
- What to do with the accumulated resentment? This is a difficult question - I would discuss this at the consultation. Resentment is a mixture of love, anger and guilt, as well as hope. The offended usually suppresses anger at another person and turns it into his own guilt, continues to expect the impossible. It seems to me that it will help to expand my anger, to give it a voice. Revenge at last. Feel frustrated and powerless. Decide whether to wait further. A person who is attentive to himself, respects himself and appreciates, takes care of himself, does not sacrifice himself - is less likely to be offended. A person who sacrifices himself, passively expecting something in return, will resent more.
- How not to annoy your husband? The irritation of the husband is his emotions, beyond the control of you, and even him. He is subject to the expression of these emotions, but you are not. Your husband is an adult who is responsible for his own reactions, and you cannot read his mind or guess what behavior he will like. Therefore, it is simply impossible not to annoy another person - you will pierce somewhere. Here it is useful to build up resistance to someone else's irritation, not to take responsibility for what you cannot influence.
Hello dear community members.
I've never taken my problems out to people, but now I'm in total disarray, and it seems to me that I will soon go crazy.
My problem is that more and more thoughts began to appear in me that my husband and I would have to leave.
There will be many letters, the theme of children (in fact, it was, if not the main, then one of the few main reasons for such thoughts.
So, my husband and I have been together for 10 years, in January we will (if we) celebrate the "anniversary"
We met when we were 17 years old, before him I had only one short-term relationship with a guy who turned out to be "not a prince at all" (nothing out of the ordinary, I was not killed about this)
I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm scared, but I'm scared by the prospect that it will be even worse, that I will be left without children by a forty-year-old old maid, get myself a bunch of cats and eat cans of ice cream.
If you have something to advise or speak out, please do not be silent. Any opinion from the outside is important to me. I am ready to answer any questions.
Every a person creates a family with the hope that he will live with his spouse in love and harmony until the end of his days, raising his children together and sharing the joy of his grandchildren. But over the years of living together, for most married couples, love gradually fades away and the fact that their marriage has come to an end becomes clear. There are 8 signs that indicate that it is time for spouses to leave, rather than trying to maintain relationships that bring only pain and deprive both spouses of a chance for happiness. So, by what signs can you understand that your marriage has come to an end:
1. Lack of desire to please and surprise. If the spouse does not care how her wife looks, and she has no desire to please her husband with delicious dishes and make him happy, then this is the beginning of the end. Absolute indifference to what the spouse is doing is a characteristic sign of a lack of love. If you are late at work or go on a business trip for a long time, and your wife or husband does not call you or write SMS, then it's time to think about whether it is worth living with a person who does not need you. But jealousy and resentment should not be confused with the cooling of feelings. Think about whether you still want to please your spouse with an expensive gift? If your answer is yes, then you just need to talk heart to heart with your spouse.
2. No desire to communicate with spouse. Often a husband and wife come home, have a silent supper, and then go to different rooms, where each of them goes about his own business. Joint conversation and communication tires them. If you are just waiting for your spouse to leave home, and you can enjoy loneliness, and every conversation you have with him turns into a quarrel, then you can no longer expect a happy end to such a relationship. In this case, it is better to leave than to try to maintain a relationship, cause each other suffering and drag a "suitcase without a handle."
3. sleep separately. If a husband and wife sleep in different rooms, and they have sex just for show, then this is a sure sign of fading. Aloofness and reluctance to have sex with a partner suggests that the person is no longer close. A joint bed, touching during sleep and communication in the dark play an important role in family relationships, and those spouses who have caught a partner in treason or are very jealous of him sleep separately.
You should not test each other's patience, the lack of intimate relationships sooner or later leads to treason. If during sex expressions come to your mind: "nightmare", "dirt", "torment" and "why am I putting up with this?", then just let go of your partner and let him find his happiness. And yourself, start looking for new relationships that will bring you peace of mind and sexual satisfaction.
4. Do not want to spend leisure time together. Ask yourself if you would like your spouse to be present at the birthday of a friend or girlfriend where you were invited. If you think that he will only spoil your mood on a festive evening and that it is better for you to relax in the company of friends or girlfriends without him, then you are most likely to part with your spouse. In this case, it is worth saving the marriage only for the sake of the children, but even here you need to think about whether the child will benefit from living together in the same house of essentially strangers. If you are not in a hurry to go home after work and try to spend all your free time in the company of friends, then this is also a sign of an exhausted relationship.
5. You think you love two at once. All people are polygamous to some extent, everyone in their youth wants to please not only their partner, but also hear compliments and accept courtship from others. The desire to "try an apple from someone else's garden" is present in everyone up to 45-50 years old, although not everyone admits this and decides to cheat. But if it seems to you that you love two people at once, then you will have to part with your spouse. Because if he was really dear to you, then the second would simply not exist.
6. Greed towards wife. The first sign of the cooling of the husband's feelings is his unwillingness to spend on the needs of his wife. If he stopped buying you gifts and paying for you, then he no longer cares what you think of him. There is no need to build illusions that the husband began to earn less or became more economical. He simply decided for himself that you have become a stranger to him, and he should provide only for his relatives and friends.
7. You constantly compare your spouse to others. My friend is happily married, but her husband went bald early. I somehow tactlessly asked her if her attitude towards her husband had changed after he lost his hair, and with it his former beauty. A friend with a smile replied that she did not even notice that her husband was bald, he remained for her the most beloved and dear person, as he was before. If you began to believe that your spouse has changed a lot and is now unworthy of admiration, then do not torment him further and let him go. No need to constantly humiliate him and compare him with others, say that this other one is more educated, stronger, richer and cooler. A neighbor's is always better, but one's own is more expensive. If yours does not seem more beautiful, then this is a sign that your marriage has come to an end.
8. You are constantly humiliated. If a spouse constantly humiliates you, insults you with obscene words, or even raises his hand, then he no longer values your attitude towards him. No matter how much we are told that we need to part with those to whom we no longer feel any feelings, unfortunately, many of us lack the determination to be the first to take this responsible step. An obstacle to this may be common children, the need to divide property, financial difficulties and habit.
We tolerate humiliation and try not to see that we have long ceased to be respected. Moreover, we unsuccessfully try to refresh feelings that have long been gone, we are anticipated by those who love us in order to save the family and not deprive children of their father or mother. Is it worth it? Maybe it’s better to immediately break off relations and leave, than in old age to regret that life has passed, but there was no happiness, and no?
Causes of a bad attitude of a husband
How did it happen that the joint family life turned out to be completely different from what you dreamed of? Are normal family relationships only shown in Disney fairy tales? Why did everything start so romantically for Cinderella and the prince, just like for you and your husband, but all romance has gone away in everyday life? It already seems that your husband does not care about your existence.
1. Blame yourself
What kind of nonsense? How can a wife be to blame for the fact that her husband does not care about her? She didn’t want to specifically achieve a disregard for her husband, the wife wanted love and happiness, it’s all the husband’s fault. And if it’s not the husband’s fault, then it’s all the mother-in-law or the former, and even the evil boss, but the wife is not to blame for anything at all.
It is the wife who is responsible for the atmosphere in the house, for comfort and harmony in the family. Did your husband immediately after the wedding began to treat you with disdain? Think what has changed? Ask him what pushed him away in family life?
- Take responsibility for your life, for your happiness, and blame yourself for all the mistakes. This will give you the opportunity to correct them.
- I recommend a psychological exercise.
- Write down on the list what upsets you about your husband.
- In the second column, write what you think when your husband does these things.
- This will give you the opportunity to find out the reason for the negative attitude.
- Work out this reason yourself or with a psychologist.
For example: your husband yells at you when he comes home from work. You think he is yelling at you because you are indifferent to him and he wants to get rid of you. And he screams because you haven’t fed him yet, haven’t let him rest, but you climb with stories about Masha from the second floor and about what happened in “Let them talk.”
2. Problems at work
For men, work comes first, because without work, he will not be able to adequately support his family and take his rightful place of honor in society. Therefore, when your husband has problems at work, then show all your patience. The husband needs to be supported and inspired, and not to raise self-esteem at his expense.
If your husband doesn't care about you
To begin with, figure out if your husband really doesn’t give a damn about you, because there is a great possibility that you yourself invented it and were offended yourself.
1. Thinking difference
Women's logic and men's are very different, so you may be interpreting your husband's behavior completely wrong. Dialogue is the best solution to a problem. Tell your husband clearly and clearly your position. Hints won't help here.
2. Responsibilities
Have you talked to your husband about who does what duties around the house? Does your husband know that you consider him obligated to take out the garbage and beat the carpet?
Does he guess that you regard every rug that is not knocked out as a spit in the soul and disrespect? It's your mistake that you didn't assign responsibilities, and now you are winding up scripts for a Mexican TV series on a domestic scale.
3. Selfishness
When was the last time you yourself did something nice for your husband? Maybe it’s enough to demand gratuitous reverence and worship, and it’s time to show your love for your husband yourself? He must, he must, why didn't he? And what have you yourself done to maintain your relationship, besides endless whining and claims?
4. Work on yourself
5. Family values
Are your family values similar to your husband's? Have you defined a clear family model for yourself, how have you distributed responsibilities, what is love for you. Work through these moments in your head. Very often, girls get married, having in their heads an idea of family life from fairy tales and fashion magazines.
Now you have some experience. How do you imagine family life now? What are your values in family life? A clear positioning will help you chart the path to happiness in your family life. For example, passion in family life and well-being are important to you. What have you done to revive the old passion? How do you manage the family budget? Are you helping your husband get a promotion? Review your goals and attitudes. Then it will immediately become clear to you whether it is possible to fulfill your goals and dreams with your current husband, or whether this is an unreliable comrade.
Bad relationships in the family undermine the psyche, loosen the nerves and hurt self-esteem. Here are some ways to boost a woman's self-esteem:
1. Do not compare yourself to others, everyone is different, everyone has their own advantages and disadvantages.
2. Do not scold yourself, and there is enough negativity around, at least compliment yourself.
3. Accept compliments. No need to refuse, oh what are you, I'm not like that. Such! You are the best!
4. Take a course to improve self-esteem, there are many options, choose which one is more convenient for you:
5. Write a list of your positive qualities. Read and complete your list.
6. Set small goals, achieving each one will increase your self-esteem. Break a big goal into small ones, every small victory in any business will help you assert yourself.
Please help me with advice! I don't know how to handle the situation I'm in. My husband is either a mentally ill person or he is just pretending and wants to drive me crazy. We met for 2 years, he behaved impeccably until one moment. Once, we celebrated St. Valentine's Day in a rented apartment. At first everything was fine, but in the evening I felt very bad: my stomach ached terribly, so much so that tears came out of my eyes from the pain, I could not get out of bed, everything seemed to be in a fog, I generally thought that I would die. I asked him to go to the pharmacy, but he flatly refused to go himself and told me to go with him. On the way, I thought that I would fall right on the street and die, but he did not even give me his hand. When we returned to the apartment, he threw pills in my face, started yelling that I ruined his evening and why I don’t carry a first aid kit with me and don’t know in advance when and what will hurt me. He yelled that everyone's stomach hurts, but no one roars like me, and that I'm pretending at all. After I spoke out, I sat down in front of the TV and started spitting seeds, while I was in the kitchen trying to reach a glass of water. After this incident, he asked for forgiveness, began to make excuses that he simply could not believe that I felt bad. I forgave him because I loved and wanted to believe his words, besides, I saw him like this for the first time and hoped that he would continue to be as good as before. After a while we got married and I moved to him, to another city almost 1000 km away. Everything was fine at first, until I got sick and asked to be shown to me where the nearest clinic was. He got furious, started yelling that he was tired of my sores and who I am to him, so that he would show me where the clinic is and in general these are my problems, and today he plans to go to his beloved parents, because he hasn’t seen them already 2 days, and they live as much as 10 minutes walk from us! Some time later I was diagnosed with a tumor and had an operation. He did not give a penny for the operation, saying that these were my problems and I shouldn’t have been sick. In the end, my mother sent me the money. When I was in the hospital, he said that he did not need me when I was sick and that I should not return home. When I returned home and asked for a glass of water to take painkillers, he started yelling, without looking up from computer games: "Get up and take it!" When, a week later, he saw that I was on the mend, he began to ask for forgiveness, to say how much he loved me and that those words were not spoken by him, but by his bad tongue. Everything seemed to be going well until he lost his job. He started yelling that now it’s my turn to go to work, but only one that earns at least 5,000. more that I have not yet recovered from the operation. But nevertheless, he found a job and everything worked out for him. He immediately became kinder, again asked for forgiveness and said that it was not him, but his bad language. He got up early in the morning, kissed me from head to toe, brought breakfast to my bed, then cleaned, cooked and generally carried me in his arms, but as soon as he had trouble at work or when I got sick, he immediately looked at me with hatred, began to yell and everything repeated, but further, more! He began to shout that he should have looked for a rich girl with good health, and not as finished as me, and then he would not have had any difficulties in his life. He started pushing and kicking me in public, yelling: “May you die!” Once I could not stand it and gave him a slap in the face, for which he threw me out into the street with my things in the middle of the night, having previously taken the keys to the house from me, the phone , and money (up to a penny). I didn’t know anyone in a foreign city, I had nowhere to go, I spent the night at the station. In the morning I went home to pick up the rest of my things and from the threshold I received 2 hits in the head with the words: "What, I found it, bitch ? Where did you go from home yesterday? What?!! Did I kick you out?!! Yes, I didn't touch you at all. You packed your things and ran away somewhere! And what is this bruise on the forehead? Did I hit you? Are you really sick in the head? Yes, it’s you yourself who hit somewhere !!! "He doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, looked into my eyes and said that this didn’t happen, that he never beat, didn’t kick me out, didn’t call me names and this is all the fruit of my of a sick imagination and at the same time said: “God, why am I being punished, you are sick in the head! It's all you do to me, not me!" Then he nevertheless confessed to his deed, but said that it was not him, it was his arms, legs, tongue that did everything themselves, but he does not even remember it. And even later he said that I'm still finished, because normal girls react calmly to such things, and I still have the audacity to be indignant. I wanted to go to my mother, but he hid my passport, closed the door and said that he would not let go anywhere. Again flowers, declarations of love, etc. He behaved perfectly for 2 weeks and I again forgave him.He didn’t have anyone before me, I’m sure of his fidelity, he leads a healthy lifestyle, does everything around the house (he really has golden hands ), helps me in everything. I thought that after all there were more pluses in him and decided to stay with him, but talk to his parents and consult with them about his behavior, since they are believers and everyone considers them a decent family. When I told about all his antics and heard the answer, I was shocked. His dad said: "You just didn't get along", the sister said: "He is not guilty of his actions, it's just that he, the poor thing, has something in his soul", and his mother said: "Well .. if you don't like it attitude towards yourself, it means you are too capricious. A normal girl would just smile and take it all well, because the husband should dominate. " After what I heard, I didn’t understand: either they all have such a concept of the family, or they just mocked me, because they initially wanted a daughter-in-law from their environment. Recently, my husband and I went to a concert, I didn’t take my phone with me, but the keys he put it in his pocket. We walked around the square from the other side, he walked behind, suddenly I turn around, but he is not there. I frantically searched for him in the dancing crowd, but he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t even know which way to go and where to find him, because there is no phone. Then I nevertheless found him, peacefully talking in the company of some guys. When I approached, he ignored me, as if we didn’t know each other, and those guys looked with a surprised look, why an unfamiliar girl approached them and what she really needed. When we walked away, and I asked why he didn’t call me once he decided to stop, but calmly watched me go on, confident that he was with me. He replied that I ran away from him and these are my problems. After each of his tricks, he says that if I don’t like his behavior, these are my problems, that normal girls take it so calmly, that he is still a very good husband, because others hit harder and even cheat, and he is faithful and this is beyond any -Beatings and persecution from home. An hour later, he says that he didn’t do anything bad to me at all and I lie all the time, and he never even called me names. And the next day, he nevertheless agrees with what is happening, only claims that it was not he who did it, but me, that is, I kicked him out of the house, etc. To the same question asked at different times, he answers completely contradictory answers. (Once I counted 15 different answers to one question.) Sometimes I stand in the kitchen, cook something, keep quiet like a fish, don’t touch him. He will come up and hit, and when I start crying, he says, why are you roaring stupid (favorite word), I didn’t touch you at all. I calmly went into the kitchen, and you started calling names and beating me. I already had thoughts that he was possessed, since he hears voices when I am silent or some kind of schizophrenic. For all his behavior in front of relatives and friends, he plays the ideal husband and constantly boasts about what a wonderful wife he has. Everyone around me is jealous and does not know what is really going on in our house. I don’t know what is happening to this person and I don’t know how I can continue to live. He is good only when everything is fine. As soon as the slightest problem arises (lack of money, illness on my part), he immediately turns into some kind of crazy person. I don't know what to expect from him, I'm always like on a volcano!
