The appearance of a baby is associated with a complete restructuring of family life. Inevitably, this important event affects not only the rhythm, schedule, atmosphere in the house, but also the relationship between newly-made parents. The birth of a common child can unite a family, but only if the man and woman are mature, balanced individuals who are ready to compromise, listen and hear each other, respect and help.
But reality is increasingly drawing a different scenario. Relations between spouses are rapidly deteriorating, every day alienating husband and wife from each other, destroying any connection between them. Every member of the family experiences stress, while the man often chooses avoidance tactics and prefers to leave the territory of the house, in every possible way reducing the time spent with the family, while the woman finds herself locked in four walls and the deterioration of relations in the family oppresses her especially.
The thing is that spouses who are accustomed to living together may not be ready for the appearance of a third family member, and the blame for the destruction of relationships lies on the shoulders of both of them. Changes occur in the value-semantic sphere, feelings and emotions, sensations, both mom and dad. But for the most part, it is the woman who is trying to establish a connection with her spouse, regain her former intimacy and understand why relations with her husband soured after the birth of a child.
The nature of the changes
All families are equally happy, but everyone has their own misfortune. In each individual family, taking into account its characteristics and relations between spouses before the birth of a child, changes are expressed in different ways, but most often one can observe:
- Detachment (a woman notices that her husband has become a stranger, he does not show emotions and interest in relation to her);
- Avoidance of communication (a man spends more time at work, rarely calls, and in the evenings goes about his business);
- Lack of intimate life (sometimes spouses begin to sleep separately, minimizing moments of intimacy);
- Closure (a man does not talk about his problems, has become closed);
- Indifference (there are no manifestations of emotions, both in relation to the child and to the young mother);
- Resentment, quarrels (a man can be hurt by any little thing, depending on his temperament, he shows this with furious anger, screaming or silence).
All these manifestations are a signal that a relationship has failed. In order to understand why spouses move away and find possible ways out of this situation, it is necessary to identify the root cause, because any changes do not occur from scratch, most often the answer to this question lies in the behavior of both spouses.
What happens to a woman
After the birth of a baby, a woman's life is increasingly regulated by the will of instincts and boundless feelings for the child. Drowning in the responsibilities of caring for her son or daughter, a young mother forgets about her former life, habits, favorite things, vacations and her husband, about everything that may have been an incentive for a positive development of relationships.
It takes time for a man to get used to the fact that another woman is now next to him, perhaps for him these changes are not acceptable at all, repel him from his wife and are a reason to look for relationships on the side.
Basically, changes in a woman after the birth of a baby relate to:
- Appearances. A new mother may lose her attractiveness due to weight gain, a tired look, and lack of self-care. As a rule, for a woman in the first months of a child's life, her own appearance fades into the background.
- Distribution of time and schedule. Caring for a child is a lot of small things throughout the day, any mother plans her day based on the interests of the baby, the main task for her is to provide convenience, comfort and peace to her own child.
- emotional sphere. A woman directs all her emotions and feelings to her little daughter or son, while her husband remains deprived of her attention. The constant stress that a young mother experiences and a change in hormonal levels manifests itself in mood swings, irritability, tearfulness, and nervous breakdowns.
- relationship to life. Value orientations are undergoing a radical restructuring, a woman who has given birth instantly forgets about the desire for career growth, expanding her social circle, the main value for her is her own child and his needs;
- Responsibility. A woman prone to hyper-responsibility and hyper-protection herself repels her husband from helping with the child, as she is afraid that he will do something wrong, that he will be able to harm the child.
All these changes in each individual case can have different combinations and degrees of manifestation. A particularly difficult situation arises if the mother suffers from postpartum depression, then she splashes out negative emotions on her husband, often on the child, heating up the situation to the limit.
What happens to a man
No matter how hard a man tries to control himself, the birth of a child is a severe stress for him, the manifestations of this emotional pressure, the young dad cannot even explain to himself what to say about his wife, who, moreover, has changed before our eyes in a matter of days.
Awareness of paternity in a man comes much later than in a woman, he does not carry a baby under his heart for 9 months, does not feel him moving, therefore for him the birth of a child into the world is like snow on his head, a man needs time to come to terms and get used to the fact that now there are three of them.
Often, a young dad develops an overwhelming sense of fear. When a mother's instinct turns on, and she performs many actions automatically, a man does not know how to behave with a child, how to hold him, how to feed him. The fear of the unknown, reinforced by the reproaches of his wife, makes the man want to leave the house by flight.
The process of giving birth to a man is not clear, it causes conflicting feelings and emotions, quite often a man loses sexual interest in a woman precisely for this reason, he creates a mental barrier that he cannot overcome. Joint childbirth makes the strongest impression on the stronger sex, this is a rather risky event, because it is impossible to predict how the young dad will treat his wife after that, different men have diametrically opposite reactions, from the desire to carry his wife in his arms, to disgust.
Changing the atmosphere in the house and the rhythm of life also affects the new dad. The apartment is noisy and sometimes not cleaned, sleepless nights, the crying of a child, the lack of proper rest, communication and closeness with his wife gradually begins to bother and annoy.
Many men develop a sense of "uselessness", as they are not paid attention, they are not trusted by the child, they are not allowed to participate in the care of the baby. In this situation, the man will simply leave the place where he is not needed.
Changes occur within both spouses, here, more than anywhere else, it is important to learn to understand each other's feelings, to respect, to help overcome difficulties, for this it is necessary to interrupt the endless turmoil and sit down with her husband at the negotiating table.
How to build relationships
If a young mother noticed that her husband has become different, has changed in behavior, attitude towards her, does not show interest in the child, she should ask herself the questions that she addresses to the man: “why did he become different?”; “He doesn’t love me like before or doesn’t want to communicate with me?”; Why doesn't he want intimacy?
Perhaps the reason lies solely in the behavior of the woman, then to solve the problem it will only be necessary to work on yourself and everything will fall into place. You should always start with yourself, but if there is no answer in yourself or the strength of a woman alone is not enough to resume good relations, a serious heart-to-heart conversation with her husband is simply necessary.
Men do not know how to read the thoughts of a woman, perhaps he is simply lost and does not know how to behave, and his wife perceives this as indifference. Explaining to each other can solve many problems and allow you to understand and let your spouse's feelings through you.
Young parents should agree on joint care for the baby, a fair distribution of responsibilities, opportunities for recreation, both separate and joint, on the help of third parties, grandparents, so that there is time for each other. A woman can tell her husband how to behave in some situations when she needs help, support, attention.
It is extremely important that the desire to return to the previous relationship comes from both spouses, only under this condition is it possible to achieve harmony and understanding in the family, it is irrational to beat on a closed door. A woman needs to take the first step, as a rule, in this situation she is stronger and more emotionally stable than a man, having received a positive reaction from her husband, it is possible to build close relationships in joint work that will satisfy the interests of both.
Steps towards understanding
A woman is the keeper of the family hearth, this human wisdom has been proven for centuries, a happy marriage is in her hands. The steps taken by her in time will help to avoid a family crisis associated with the birth of a child, or to alleviate it as much as possible. Then the questions “Has my husband stopped loving me? Avoided?" and others like them simply do not appear in the head of a woman.
- Talk and negotiate. Every time a misunderstanding occurs, discuss the issue with your husband, do not accumulate resentment;
- Ask for help. For many men, this is an indicator of their importance and indispensability in the family, and for a woman, the opportunity to relax;
- Assign childcare responsibilities. Let the man have one thing that he must do daily, for example, bathe the baby before bed. This will not only bring the child closer to dad, but also emphasize the importance of a man;
- Pay attention to your husband. It is not at all necessary to fulfill all his whims every day, but if a woman cooks her husband's favorite dish once a week, he will definitely appreciate it;
- Take care of your own appearance. Simple care, clean hair, neat and beautiful clothes are enough, to do figure correction;
- Let go of perfectionism. All women have weaknesses and shortcomings, it is impossible to achieve the ideal in everything, refusing to clean twice a day, you can find a little time for yourself;
- Act gently. To smooth out conflicts, take into account what the man wants, change the tone of the conversation to calm, do not demand, but ask, do not shout, but speak, the man will definitely support the woman's mood.
Of course, there is no universal solution to overcome the family crisis, but mutual desire and appropriate actions will certainly lead to success, then the family will only unite after the birth of the baby, get stronger, become a full-fledged unit of society and raise understanding, sympathetic, kind and fair children, who, following the example of their parents, will create the same strong families.
The decision to divorce often comes suddenly. A quiet family life turns into hell for both spouses, children and relatives. The entourage looks at the couple in bewilderment, wondering what happened to the serene happiness. The reasons are usually unclear to both the ex-husband and wife. What is divorce from the point of view of esotericism and how does it affect?
The interpretation of divorce in esotericism
From an esoteric point of view, the family is a system of communicating energy vessels. This is true for any group of people living together or in constant contact with each other, united by common ideas. The resulting set of energies is called an egregore. She has a directed will, is able to influence the feelings and thoughts of people. After the husband and wife begin to live together, the creation of a family egregor begins, which only strengthens over the years.
Spouses get divorced and leave, but between them a painful energy connection remains for a long time. For this reason, some people experience the destruction of the family so hard, succumb to prolonged depression. After a divorce, a family egregor is fueled by memories of past love and life together. Children make breaking such an emotional connection almost impossible.
It happens that in the family there is a place energy vampirism . The donor spouse languishes before our eyes, while the other provokes quarrels and scandals in order to commit another redistribution of family energy in their favor. It often happens that the donor cannot withstand the load and takes his own life if he does not have time to fall down with exacerbated chronic diseases. In this case, divorce becomes an urgent need, because the usual tricks against energy vampires are reflected in other flows of the family egregor.
Relationships after divorce
What happens to a family egregor after a breakup? The initiator of the divorce is trying to destroy it, but the family is too strong an energy system to submit to the will of one person. Consider the main problems that divorce poses to former spouses according to the teachings of esotericism.
In reality, people disagree not because someone in a couple does not suit their horoscope partner or says few compliments. As the studies of Paul Amato and Denise Previti show, the reasons are usually quite different.
There have been a lot of articles in the Self-Help genre lately, but home-grown advisers and "specialists" sometimes advise us on what is just impossible to do under any circumstances. Especially when it comes to family relationships.
In reality, people disagree not because someone in a couple does not suit their horoscope partner or says few compliments. As studies by Paul Amato and Denise Previti show, the causes are usually very different. 21.6% of marriages break up due to the infidelity of one of the partners, 19.2% - due to psychological incompatibility, 10.6% - due to the fact that one of the partners uses alcohol or drugs, 9.6% - due to because the partners move away from each other. Physical or psychological abuse leads to divorce in 5.8% and 4.3%, respectively.
Researcher John Gottman tells Psychology Today that it's all about our habits. And there are at least five "toxic" habits that lead to the breakup of partners who once loved each other. These are the habits.
Regular accusations
This phenomenon in psychology is called "casual attribution": this is when one of the partners associates any problems in the family with the personal characteristics of the other. "You never listen", "You're always too busy" or "It's generally so typical of you."
The work of Frank Finchman and Thomas Bradbury shows that most stable marriages fall apart because of such generalizations and personalizations. The habit of associating all the problems with the character traits of a partner quickly leads to emotional alienation.
The first sign that this is inherent in your couple is the inability, for example, to act in concert on the road. A husband-driver, for example, asks his wife-passenger to look at a map and tell him where to turn. At some point, both realize that they are going in the wrong direction. The husband immediately begins to accuse his wife that she is “so stupid that she cannot figure out the map,” and she furiously replies that the husband is an idiot himself, and she explained everything correctly. In general, a GPS navigator can undermine any relationship and very often becomes the cause of a quarrel.
Inability to speak
If some situation annoys one of the partners, and he refuses to discuss it, this can become a big problem. First she asks him a question. He pouts and doesn't answer. Then she raises her voice, he stands up and says: “I'm tired of your tantrums. I'm leaving". And he leaves the room.
This pattern is fairly common, and its repetition can be a good predictor of marital dissatisfaction, depression, divorce, or even physical abuse. This is one of the most common patterns of behavior: the husband complains about the “eternal whining” of his wife, and she, in turn, feels that she has ceased to be interesting for her husband.
If the situation is repeated often, the marriage will almost completely fall apart.
No story sharing
A famous study by Arthur Aron shows that telling stories from everyday life and the habit of asking questions of the interlocutor is an important part of "commitment" to relationships. If a husband and wife stop sharing stories from work or relationships with friends, the marriage is dead.
Worst of all, this is happening more and more often - electronic gadgets are to blame. The success of a marriage is when the parties show interest and concern for each other. If you stop paying attention to what's going on in your spouse's life, your marriage is definitely in trouble.
Forgiveness in words
Verbal statements of forgiveness may not be true. The words “I forgive you” often signal that no one has really forgiven anyone, and in any next skirmish, this resentment will come out. It seems to the offender that his partner does not know how to forgive at all, and to the “victim” - that the partner constantly does nothing but look for flaws. If one of the family members does not know how to forgive at all, the relationship will be difficult. Or fall apart, which is even more likely.
Incorrect distribution of responsibilities
A very common situation: the husband goes to work, and the wife takes care of household chores and children. The first one seems to have a harder life, the second one suffers from loneliness, poor self-esteem and constantly feels that she is very overloaded, but no one appreciates this. Both - criticize each other for laziness and for the fact that he does not do his job well.
Strictly speaking, there is no problem with the wife doing a little freelancing, and the husband washing the dishes, no. But patterns, often adopted from parents, can destroy a marriage.
In our country, it is growing inexorably every year. And this is only official data and facts. And how many people "scatter", just having lived in it is impossible to count.
For many women, the ex-wife becomes the new relationship. Often, a child is also attached to it, or even more than one. And if, entering into these new relationships, it is possible to somehow get rid of the second half that has become unnecessary, then there are no former children. And if even a drop of conscience and consciousness remains in a man, then his current companion has to somehow put up with such a phenomenon as an “ex-wife”, which is not always easy to do.
Psychology is a strange thing, and the subconscious is a mysterious thing. Marrying a man with a history of a former spouse, a woman begins to compare herself with her, thereby lowering her self-esteem. Often this happens unconsciously, against the wishes of the newly-made wife herself, but it is difficult to do anything about it, although it is possible.
This situation will improve slightly if the ex-wife starts dating someone or remarries.
Then the man's meetings with her will be reduced to a minimum, and his current woman will somehow be calmer.
Well, if the situation is not very lucky, then you need to try to somehow move away from the comparison, try to convince yourself that each person is unique and some of your qualities attract a man much more, since he is currently nearby. And with this thought, you need to calmly continue to live on, without winding yourself up over trifles.
According to many psychologists, men also compare their ex-wives, girlfriends with real ones. This is quite natural and often happens unconsciously.
If you do not take into account the suspiciousness of women who believe that when comparing a man, most likely, he prefers his ex, then not everything is so bad. After all, no one can “get into” the head of another person to find out what he is thinking. And if the comparison is in favor of today's life, and the current wife is already standing behind her with a rolling pin in her hands? You should not turn into an angry fury, it is much better to just calmly accept the very fact of comparison, as an inevitability in life.
If you harass a loved one with constant nit-picking, jealousy for his past, then he may have an idea about how to return his ex-wife. Indeed, sometimes people break up for some far-fetched reasons, due to the fact that they could not find out something and talk about something.
By her behavior, a woman can both refute and confirm the idea that the ex-wife is better. To do this, you should not do anything extraordinary, it is enough just to constantly “get” a man with constant comparisons and jealousy, and also, as some people like to do, “nag” a husband who pays alimony. A wife, especially one who is an ex and wants to get her husband back, is only at hand.
In summary, we can say that building is not easy. In order for them to be strong and long, mutual understanding, love and respect for each other are required. And, of course, angelic patience and the ability to smooth out conflicts.
