Women by nature are designed in such a way that they carry their experiences into the external environment. It is important for them to throw out their grief, their troubles. That’s why the most popular discussions on women’s Internet forums are about divorces and separations. Often women complain that their husband left them with their child and ask for advice on how to continue living. “Girlfriends” on forums give a variety of advice - from breaking windows in the house of an ex-husband to crawling behind him on her knees. Each believes that her method is the most effective, that if the husband does not return, then at least the wife will have a feeling of satisfaction and revenge for the insult.
Why do men leave families and leave children?
The reasons for husbands leaving families where joint children have already been born are actually not on the surface, which we are accustomed to calling everyday life. The reasons are much deeper - in the social structure and society’s attitude towards fatherhood.
The right to paternity is formally enshrined in the Russian constitution and the constitutions of other developed and developing countries. The rights of parents are considered equal. But is this really so?
A woman can give birth to a child from any man she likes. Even if a man takes every precaution to prevent his sexual partner from becoming pregnant, a woman has many ways to circumvent a man's reluctance to become a father. A woman gives birth to a child, which a man may not even know about, establish paternity in court and demand alimony from the man to support the unwanted child. At the same time, our society is set up in such a way that if a man does not marry the woman who gave birth to his child, he is condemned. No one is interested in the fact that at the moment of intimacy, a woman was interested in a man only as a sexual object, and not as a future partner for life together and not as a mother of future children.
A woman may not give birth to a child from her man by terminating her pregnancy. In this case, only her opinion and desire are taken into account. A man’s desire to become the father of an unborn child is of no interest to either the pregnant woman who has decided to have an abortion or the doctor performing the operation. The rights of an unborn child and the rights of a failed father are not protected by law and morality and are not mentioned at all. It turns out that having children is an exclusively female matter, but responsibility for a woman’s decision to give birth falls on the man.
Women have long used children as a “leash” for a man. Someone once suggested that a man can be “tied” to a child, but no one can still logically explain this. And not such an explanation, because it is impossible to “tie” an independent adult man with anything. It is solely his own desire that keeps him close to a woman.
The disdainful attitude of the wife, mother, mother-in-law and other relatives towards the father’s attempts to care for the baby turns him away from his offspring for a long time. In fact, if they always formally “slap hands”, point out minor mistakes and shortcomings, criticize every action, then soon the young dad will lose all desire to somehow participate in the baby’s life - he still won’t do well, and the critics will receive a year in advance.
This is why the father-child relationship in our society is so shaky and unstable. We have gotten rid of the vicious patriarchal model with the ability to dispose of a child as property, but have not offered a replacement. Women raise their sons in such a way that they grow up weak-willed and infantile, at first they cannot control their desires, and then they do not want to be responsible for their actions. Daughters are raised either as princesses, to whom everyone owes money because they decorate a man’s life with their presence and give birth to children, or as feminists opposed to nepotism and men, trying to solve all problems on their own, including raising children on their own, excluding the participation of men.
What to do if the husband abandoned not only his wife, but also his child?
First of all, there is no need to take revenge and try to ruin your husband’s life. You will probably have to live with him later, so why unnecessary conflicts? Surely after the news of his departure you want to cry? Well, good health. Women's tears cleanse the soul and calm the nervous system, unless, of course, they turn into hysterics.
After spiritual cleansing with tears, you need to stop dying and falling apart. A husband leaving the family is a nuisance. But not grief. Therefore, there is no need to grieve. Here's what you should really do:
- Calm down. If necessary, then with the help of herbal teas, yoga, light sedatives after consultation with a doctor. Without a normal mental attitude, it is impossible to think constructively and act correctly.
- Don't forget about the child. It is no easier for him now than for an abandoned mother, even if he is still too young. A child needs a calm, balanced, kind mother, and not a tear-stained, nervous and frayed aunt with a dull look and shaking hands. The best way to unwind is to spend time with your baby, bake a pie together, make dumplings, ride a carousel or go on a picnic.
- Don't turn the child against the father. You should never - even if your husband is wrong a hundred thousand times - tell your children about their father's love affairs, about his losses at cards and casinos, about his drunken antics, if the children did not witness it. Father and mother are a support for any person, even in adulthood. If you look at the published materials of psychologists who work with adults who are depressed, it will become clear that unpleasant news about parents unsettled 30-40-year-old people, caused feelings of disappointment, bitterness, contributed to the formation of complexes and a decrease in self-esteem. What then can we say about small children with fragile psyches who believe in fairy tales and that dad is the smartest and strongest, and mom is the most beautiful and kind.
- Try to make friends with your husband again. Well, or at least establish a relationship with him regarding a common child. All children were once promised to go to the zoo, the circus, ride a boat, or go to the forest for a picnic. It's time to remember what you promised and fulfill it together with your husband. If he is stubborn and does not want to meet with his ex-wife, then you should give him the child and invite him to spend time together. A loving father, after a great day spent with his children, will probably have doubts about whether he did the right thing by leaving the family and his children?
- Give your husband the children at least for the weekend. This will allow him to remember that no one has canceled his father’s rights and responsibilities and nothing has changed for him in this regard.
Women most often face financial difficulties after their husband leaves. If the child is an infant, then it is impossible to go to work with him. Working at home is also extremely difficult, since the baby takes up all the mother’s time, and if he is not the only child in the family, then the woman often does not have time even for a leisurely meal or beauty treatments at home. If this is exactly the situation, you don’t need to be shy about turning to your husband for help. In the end, a child under 18 years of age, and a mother until the child reaches three years of age, according to family law, have the right to receive maintenance from the father and spouse. If he does not voluntarily fulfill this duty, then the court will force him to do so.
Should I bring my husband back?
Our society believes that a child needs a father, but rarely takes into account whether a particular child needs such a father who packed his things, slammed the door and left his wife and child, or even kicked them out of their home.
There is no need to even try to get your husband back if he:
- Abuses alcohol or takes narcotic, toxic, psychotropic and similar substances;
- Plays gambling;
- Raised his hand against his wife and/or abuses his child;
- He regularly cheats on his wife and does not consider it necessary to hide it;
- Does not work and is not going to work;
- Commits criminal acts against anyone.
Recently I asked him - are you happy? WAS IT WORTH WHAT YOU DID? THAT THE SON HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN TO STUTTERING because he wanted you to live with us so much, THAT HE BREAKED THE FAMILY, BREAKED EVERYTHING THAT WAS? And he - what happened? There was NOTHING!.. there was no family...
I was shocked - did he really think so or just to annoy me?
Support the site:
Olga, age: 31 / 02/14/2012
Responses:
Nina, age: 39 / 02/14/2012
Dear, dear Olga! Believe me, all men say the same thing when leaving. That I didn’t love, there was no family and it’s all your fault. My darling! Believe me, you got rid of a person who is not capable of being responsible for the family. How convenient it was for him to be with you after the breakup - to lead a free lifestyle, look for a life partner, crawl into bed with his ex-wife... and at the same time coddle with his son when it’s convenient for him. Never, no one dares to offend your child! You write that your son was going through a breakup before stuttering. Why let this happen? If a child is in pain, then at least let him not see his dad walking around, who comes when it’s convenient for him.
It won't do any good. He won't return. He doesn’t even have to regret the breakup. Because everything suits him! You will be happy! Necessarily! You just need to break with the past. Don't look back! Everything will be fine! I kiss you deeply! I hug your son!
Elena, age: 48 / 02/14/2012
Olenka, dear, I just recently went through a breakup with my husband, with whom I lived for 10 years, and was left with two children. Don’t worry, because the Lord has made room for something bright and good without quarrels and troubles. You have a child, and this is a gift from God that you need to cherish and rejoice every day that you have this gift. I was also very worried and cried, but then I realized that there was no point in wasting my energy on my own pity and I realized that BM and I would remain family forever because of the children, but nothing more. Wish your loved one happiness, if you really love him, and start LIVING - namely LIVING. Take care of your child and under no circumstances tell him bad things about his father. Schedule a weekend for yourself and your son and lift yourself up through I don’t want and I can’t. Prove to your child that life is wonderful regardless of the fact that he has a visiting dad. When he sees a happy mother, it will be happiness for him, but you want your baby to be happy. Pray, it really helps. When bad thoughts start creeping into my mind, I say, “Lord, bless them, give them happiness.” At first I didn’t really hope that it would help, but I prayed and prayed - and now it helps. And you need to perceive BM simply as the father of the child and that’s it, nothing more, no emotions. He came - he smiled, greeted him and went to do his business, in the end he came to the child - let him play, walk, do what he came for. You will dedicate this time to yourself. Do whatever you want, you don’t have to sit with them - this is not your husband now and you need to get used to this idea, although it is very difficult. But all of us, girls who come to this site, could do it - and you can too. Read the stories we write and it will get easier for you over time. Let go of the past, stop holding on to it. There is only today, don’t miss the moment, I beg you. God bless you. Hang in there, I'm sure you can handle it. We are all with you.
Elena, age: 34 / 02/14/2012
Dear Olga! Four years is too long, too much, no wonder you are having health problems. I understand you very much, I understand that when the soul is torn, it seems that there is no stronger pain in the world. I’m going through this myself now, however, six months have passed since my world collapsed. It’s much easier now; it can’t be compared with the first months. I ask myself the question of what awaits me in the future, whether I will be able to find a worthy man, start a family with him, and give birth to a child. The city is small and not twenty years old. On New Year’s Eve I went to the capital to visit relatives and on the train I found myself in the same compartment with a woman who is from a completely different city, but with whom we have many acquaintances from work. We talked until midnight. I was very surprised by this unexpected acquaintance, which could be useful for me at work. I thought how strange it was to be in the same carriage, the same compartment, with her. And for myself, I concluded that we, people who are successful, are used to planning and calculating everything, but we still cannot control all events and circumstances. I took this as a sign that there is no need to worry about a future that has not yet arrived. And when you go somewhere, you cannot know what will happen, with whom fate may bring you together. Just, the main thing is not to get hung up on it and don’t wait. With my husband, who now lives with his parents, sometimes there is intimacy (he is the initiator), but it only brings disappointment, and I decided for myself that this will not happen anymore, enough is enough, it hurts too much. Today is February 14, and I understand perfectly where he is and with whom. I was not a believer; I relied on myself and my own strengths. I didn’t know a single prayer. Now everything is different, only faith helps. I mentally wish him and his passion well, and try to thank him for the years spent together. I won’t say that I’m always in good shape, but, believe me, I haven’t found another better remedy, although I’ve read a lot of literature. Try turning to God, maybe you can find consolation. I really hope that the responses on the site will serve as some kind of impetus, thanks to which there will be a change in your attitude towards the situation in your family. I read somewhere that a terrible ending is better than endless horror. It is true, it is better to break with hope and attachment than to wait and continue to hope. It takes a colossal amount of energy, you walk around exhausted. Olechka, hold on, now think only about yourself and the child! I wish you that your soul will calm down. I hug you tightly!
Veronica, age: 31 / 02/14/2012
Hello, dear Olechka!
4 years is a very long time for you and your baby. We must say goodbye to the past, to our ex-husband in our souls, forgive him, let him go internally. Your torment lasts so long because you believe in your husband’s coming and make your plans for a life together.
And life has already changed. Now you and your baby are family. Stop crying so bitterly and torturing yourself, all this suffering worsens your health. And you need strength and health to raise a child. Children suffer greatly from our worries and get sick because of this.
And you need to stop all intimate relationships with your husband. For your own sake.
And believe me, life does not get worse with divorce, it becomes different, meaningful, filled with happiness, miracles, and joy.
Olechka, wish him happiness in his soul, light a candle for his health, and let him go. Time really heals, but in your heart you have not said goodbye to him and have not forgiven him, do not expect a return. Live your life, love the baby you abandoned because of your dad. And everything will work out for you.
Peace of mind to you.
Lera, age: 39 / 02/14/2012
Your condition is very familiar! Only the wound is fresh. For six months I have been in a state of shock from the intensity of mental pain due to divorce. Olga, you are great for holding on and continuing to work. But I want to tell you one thing - time does not heal if you do not let your husband go. Until you let him go, time will really cripple you. And take away your mental strength. 4 years is a very long time. I even became scared when I read that your condition lasts for 4 years. It is better for you not to see your husband at all - he is now like a drug for you, preventing wounds from healing. You have to tear him away from you. At any cost. Go to church, pray that God will tear him away from you. They say hope dies last. No. We must kill her first! Make a point. Tell yourself: that’s it, it’s over, the case is closed. Let him be happy with someone else, and let me be happy without him. Yes I know. It is unbearable. This is wild pain. Inhuman. But you have to get over it. Do it. For your own sake. For the sake of your own future and the future of your child.
Anastasiya, age: 27 / 02/14/2012
Hello, Olechka! Well done for sharing your story. I want to tell you a little about my experience. There is something in common in him, but basically, of course, there is a big difference - and this is this... I lived with my husband for 2 years, and our family fell apart in the same quarrel. There were no children, however. And I’ve also been living without it for almost 4 years. And everything was wonderful in the marriage (as it seemed to me)! It was only later that I realized that in fact it was not “one quarrel” that separated us. But it is not important. Just reading your story, I realized that I did the right thing, that not a day since the divorce did I think about the fact that we could be together. Although he suggested maintaining an intimate relationship. But let me make a reservation again: we didn’t have children, and I didn’t need to see him. For you, Olya, the period of suspended state has simply dragged on. For these 4 years you lived with hopes. But now you definitely need to leave them, your ex-husband and his girlfriend (I mean leave them alone and not torment yourself and him with thoughts about what it all cost and why). Yes, some time will pass before you learn to live without these thoughts, but with thoughts about the happiness and health of your child and your personal. There will be days when you feel like everything is over, there will be days when you feel powerless again. But from the very day you leave your marriage in the past (but, of course, do not stop perceiving your ex-husband as the father of the child), your rebirth to a new life and happiness will begin. And I can say about myself that faith helped me. And mostly just her. And, of course, the support of loved ones. I also couldn’t communicate with men at first and I still don’t have a beloved man. But I don’t want to howl at all anymore, but I want to rejoice every day that I survived all this and now I breathe easily again, and the sun is shining brightly again, and I want new days, meetings and everything that makes up our whole life! And further. For a long time I even regretted that we didn’t have children. Although I can imagine what it would be like for me with a child at first, it seemed to me that for the sake of the child I would have coped with it faster and stopped chewing on the past, and there would have been someone to love and care for. You can do everything Olya! Just don't think about what others will say. Who knows what they have experienced in their lives and will still experience. Not everyone can understand everything. But loved ones will love you in any circumstances. God's help!
Kalina, age: 27 / 02/14/2012
Olga, I understand you very well... You write - I want to howl, scream, fight... And these are my feelings too, how scary I understand. He went nowhere, only the memories of 6 years of his life remained. Everything is right, we need to fight, take care of ourselves, children, work, home. It’s just not clear where to put all these 6 years?.. Where to put these memories of happiness and love. And you begin to wait, invent, dream. And the more you wait and hope, the harder you will fall when all these hopes are crushed. The most important thing I took away from this site is that you need to stop hoping and waiting! Necessary! You need to stop right away. Gone means gone. After all, a loving person will not leave, betray or abandon. So it wasn't true love.
I am also alone, there is no one to cry and complain to, sometimes only my mother, and even then she is too old for such experiences. So I endure and try to stifle hope. It is most important. Sometimes I pray almost the whole day (to myself, mentally) - and then it lets go in the evening! It's been a few days now, the main thing is to never give up.
And one more thing - we are lucky, we HAVE CHILDREN! Children are a huge support! They have a huge power of love for us, the main thing is to let them reveal this love. And then it will become easier, then we will stop waiting for unnecessary people.
Natalya, age: 30 / 02/14/2012
Dear Olga, I really feel sorry for you. You, such a rich woman - young!, healthy!, successful!, with a child! SPENT 4!!! years of life God gave you for nothing.
Everything that the Lord sends to us in life is a GIFT. We must learn to hope and rely only on Him. To be happy every minute no matter what. The fact that the Lord ALWAYS loves and cares for us is a completely sufficient reason for happiness.
Psychologists, priests, and writers on this site talk about this.
I also went through pain, tears, insomnia when I found this site, after my husband left me.
And I am very grateful to God that he gave me such a test. And my husband in this test was a tool, and not a “traitor.” “It was from Me” - that’s how I understood it. If not for this, I would have remained blind for a long time.
Yulia, 27 years old, writes about this in response to a letter dated February 13. Look, this is another experience.
Hold on, dear Olga! There is such an interesting path ahead of you - LIFE! And you will never be alone, because GOD is with you. Always.
With love.
Galina, age: 52 / 02/15/2012
Olga, I want to write you a few words, although, probably, all this has already been told to you more than once... I am almost your age and I have a similar story with minor amendments - I was divorced at 3.5 years old, my daughter was 4 when my dad left us and also for the reason that it seemed to him that the family was no longer there, then she appeared, pregnancy and their wedding. At first, like you, I waited, hoping that there was passion there and he would come to his senses, here is a daughter and 7 years of living together. Only now I understand that this time simply disappeared from my life, I lived their life, was interested in their relationships through mutual friends, tried to prove that I was better to him, to everyone, and above all, of course, to myself. Don’t waste your life and youth on this, not only you will pay for it, but also your son, who is already having a hard time without a dad and who only feels his mother’s care and attention by half. Do you have the right to do this? For me, communicating with my daughter became a salvation: come up with something new every day for him and for yourself, go for walks, read, the children are very grateful and give us our love threefold. And a man will definitely appear in your life, but not before you let go of the old one, completely leaving yourself no hope of returning. When you are ready for a new relationship, not for the sake of him understanding what he lost, not for revenge, not for self-affirmation, but simply for your own sake, for the sake of your baby, who will need male attention. Try to reduce contact to a minimum, try not to find out anything about them, do not host him at home, let him walk with the child on neutral territory, and try not to compare all the men who appear in your life with him. This, no matter how painful it is, is simply necessary, like surgery for a malignant tumor. And the reward for defeating yourself will be your new life, where there is no place for the past.
Forget-me-not, age: 29 / 02/15/2012
Olya, you definitely need to go to an Orthodox psychologist. Definitely. You won’t be able to cope on your own now, 4 years have shown that. It’s clear that you don’t need to sort things out with your husband, but with yourself. Deal with yourself in order to stop leading a double life, to get rid of dependence on your ex-husband and dependence on the people around you. You need to destroy the walls of the prison in which you have put yourself, and open all the doors that you have locked. You need to be released! Either a psychologist will help you painlessly now, or you will wait until extreme life circumstances arise. Choose...
Contact the administration or psychologists of this site (www.nelubit.ru), they can tell you who to contact at your place of residence, or maybe they will help you via the Internet.
Freedom, happiness, independence, and a new bright life to you!
Vladimir, age: 39 / 02/15/2012
Dear Olya!
I really want to support you. It seems to me that your main problem is that you live in a bifurcated world. You place too high demands on yourself. Do you think that your loved ones and colleagues will take you for a doormat? No, that's not true. You set these standards yourself. I think you just need to be who you really are. Don’t blame yourself for loving, for depending on your ex-husband, for clinging to every opportunity. Recognize this fact within yourself. Don't be afraid to be weak. It takes too much effort to seem...
We also have a small town, and the story of the breakup of my family happened in front of everyone. I wasn't ashamed to show my pain. Our team is female, many have gone through this, they understand what it’s like. My openness helped me survive the horror of the situation. I understand how important it is - public opinion. But, believe me, it’s not right to pretend that everything is fine, because those around you feel that it’s not.
Probably, when you understand that society accepts you as you were created (and I see a beautiful person), it will be easier for you to cope with addiction in your relationship with your husband.
Hugging you!
Alexandra (Svetlaya), age: 46 / 02/15/2012
Olga, hello!
You write that you have read a lot of books, that you have created an external image of a happy woman, but that in fact you are suffering in secret from everyone... That is. your life today is a lie. Why are you doing this?.. Please answer this question to yourself, only honestly.
It’s difficult for us to realize this, but we choose what to feel... It all starts with a thought. You need to learn to control your thoughts. Through them, you will learn to control what you feel, and, therefore, the energy that you emit into the world.
We attract similar things to ourselves. This is one of the laws of life.
It seems so simple... yes, that's exactly what it is. All in your hands. Just make a choice to truly become joyful and happy, and not “for show” for relatives and friends... Make a choice for yourself and for the sake of your child. Gather your will! It’s a sin to yearn for so long, a big sin when you’ve been given so much, not to be grateful for it... Remember that we live in an amazing, magical world where everything is possible! All that is required for a miracle to happen is to believe in it and joyfully walk along your life’s Path.
Vesnyana, age: 29 / 02/15/2012
I’ve been just living on this site for six months now... I found it by accident 10 months after the divorce... I read stories, articles, responses, advice... So much grief, so much pain. I still couldn’t bring myself to write my own story, but I read yours and realized that everything was almost 100% accurate about me. About the fact that the separation happened a long time ago, and the wound still hurts; about the fact that I’m trying with all my might to be strong - I’m successful at work, balanced with my friends; about the fact that for a long time I believed that the separation was fixable (there was intimacy with a regularity enviable for some married people, plus joint walks with the child in the park on weekends); and... about the fact that it became a cold shower, that he hid all this for a long time, but also built his life in parallel, because... It turned out that I had a serious relationship with someone else... for a long time and stable. Unfortunately, I can’t really help you with practical advice, since I myself am definitely in a vicious circle... I have nowhere to go with my pain (my mother died, and my friends don’t really want to bare my soul - it’s a shame). But I will only say one thing: your BM (like mine), with all our love, is NOT a good husband and NOT a good father. If only because he is a big overplayed EGOIST. But an egoist cannot be good... ever! Do you understand?! A good husband will not easily abandon his family, the woman with whom he once decided to connect his life. A good father will never abandon his child, driving him to the point of stuttering with his actions, just so that he can go build his life in the way that is convenient for him. And no matter how often he comes to the child, no matter how much money he spends on him, no matter how much he looks into your eyes with ostentatious tenderness and gratitude for everything that happened in the past and concern for your peace of mind, this is nothing more than a subconscious feeling of guilt for his own inadequacy , which has nothing to do with true love and responsibility for the health and well-being of your child. A GOOD husband and father would never do this. We need to try with all our might to stop blaming only ourselves for everything, that such good things were not retained, not preserved. Family is a great work not only for wives, but also, no less, for husbands.
May God give us strength, patience, and humility to walk our path until that wonderful moment for which the Lord leads us through such painful trials.
HOLD ON! I don't feel strong, I just believe that we will all stand together! We can. We certainly can! We simply have no choice...
Evgeniya, age: 32 / 02/15/2012
Dear Olya! I really understand your pain, as do everyone who tells their stories on this site. I am much older (48) and my husband and I lived much longer (26 years). And yet, I did not allow myself to waste the time allotted to me on the ethereal hope of reunion.
And you stop doing this! Yes, it’s very painful, it’s impossible to breathe from the pain, sometimes you want to run somewhere, to someone for help, scream, just to ease your pain! Believe me, it passes, but you have to work at it. You have been given a lot of recommendations. They all work, prayers are the best. It's really difficult, but possible. I know from my own experience. My story is only 9 months old, but I already live without pain and find many positive aspects in my new life. Of course, this did not happen right away and was not easy; at times, resentment, misunderstanding, and pity for the ex-husband still creep in. But I thank myself for being able to find the strength not to get stuck in grief and cut off all the ends at once, leaving no ties. And you torture yourself for so long! It seems to me that first of all you need to free yourself from other people’s beliefs and learn to live with your heart. Regardless of who says or thinks what. This is your life. She is much more than one person. You have a child, you have parents, you have a family. And your husband turned out to be a transit passenger. Let him go his own way. He has his own path of spiritual growth, you have yours. Live life to the fullest.
We tend to idealize our husbands. “He is kind, he is good, he is loving,” etc. and so on. When you distance yourself from him, you will be able to see your husband as real, and not as someone you created. And you will understand that he is a weak, irresponsible, cowardly person. He'll probably want to come back. But again, without any special obligations on our part. Do you need such a life partner? These people have to go through a lot to change and grow. And if it's meant to be, it will happen. Maybe then a new, real, healthy relationship can be born between you. Or maybe you will meet another person. But for this you need to prepare for this meeting yourself, recover, embellish your soul.
We must learn to wait, as the fairy-tale princesses waited. They believed that the prince would come and definitely break the spell and save them, but they did not suffer, they simply lived with this faith. I heard one saying - happiness will come and find it on the stove. What is destined will definitely happen. You just don’t need to be idle, you need to live, enjoy life itself, the fact that you exist, your child exists, thank God for this happiness given to you. God gives us what we are happy about, what we pay more attention to. If we suffer, we will send suffering, if we rejoice, we will have more reasons to rejoice. Everything in this world is for us! Appreciate this and you will still be happy. I wish this to you with all my heart, Olenka!
Guzel, age: 48 / 02/15/2012
Hello, Olya.
I re-read your letter several times. I was, and still am, in a similar situation. The subtleties are different, but the essence is the same. You cannot let go of your ex-husband for 4 years, but I let him go for 6 years... You know, I kept hoping that he would see the light. As a result, I only made things worse for myself, my son, and my mother. I thought about him, about betrayal constantly. I worked myself up and took it out on my loved ones - the most defenseless. The ones who loved me the most. The result of our family life - I was left with a 5-year-old son, with a not very healthy mother and with a very illusory hope for a prosperous future, because after giving birth I suffered from an illness and became disabled. I blamed him for everything: for my condition, for the fact that my son developed nervous tics, for not wanting to pay actual child support, etc. And no matter what, I was ready to forgive and accept him back.
At some point, I finally realized that my mother and my son would not last forever. That, first of all, I am with hysterics, depression - the reason for their unhappy life, tears, nervous tics, etc... I decided that if I gave birth to a son, I would try to do everything so that he sees me happy. So that, looking at my life, he would understand that in any state a person can be happy, that by choosing a family, we do not doom ourselves to eternal torment and suffering. Although family is, of course, VERY hard work.
I came to this for a very long time - six whole years... But I’m so glad that now there are no angry, angry, touchy thoughts in my head about my son’s father. I am incredibly happy that I stopped blaming him for my problems, that I don’t hold a grudge against him, that I understand the impossibility of our future together!
I couldn't have done it without God. At the most difficult moment, I came to church. (Imagine, I’m so unhappy, and the priest smiles at me... I already left with a smile).
Olya, I hope that my story will help you look at the situation in a new way.
I really believe that everything will be fine for you!
nastyav, age: 32 / 02/16/2012
Olenka, dear!
Your story touches my heart...
4 years is, of course, a long time. But you must understand one thing - you yourself started this so much, so it depends only on you whether you can get out.
Six months have passed since my separation, but I remember the first months very well. This inhuman pain, lack of understanding of what is happening, these constant nervous breakdowns. Then, having found this site and reading the stories and responses, I did not believe that such pain could ever go away. But now it's much easier. And I remember very well that it started to become easier only after I firmly decided for myself - EVERYTHING! I won't wait for him to return! I want to get out of this! And very little time has passed since that moment, but for me it’s an eternity - I began to move away from this step by step in a variety of different ways. Firstly, stop going back to the past - try not to remember, think about what happened, don’t look at old photographs, etc. At first, this is simply necessary. It is also better to stop all communication with BM for this period. Secondly, turn to God - pray, go to church and just believe in His power. It really helps, it just all depends on how much you accept this help. Thirdly, do everything you can, find activities so that you have as little free time as possible. Read a lot - advice from psychologists, advice from people who have experienced this, and of course the Bible. There really are answers to all questions.
So you write - you can’t live without him - that’s not true. You have been living without him for 4 years, think how long it is. You just don’t want to believe that you are already WITHOUT HIM. He already has his own life, you need to realize this, you need to forgive him for everything and thank him for the fact that he WAS in your life.
Don’t try to improve your personal life just yet, you want everything at once - that doesn’t happen. For now, just accept it, learn to let go, develop, get back on your feet, and only later, when you feel that it’s over, you can take care of your personal life. For now this makes no sense.
Understand, it is not love that speaks in you, it is pride that speaks in you, your wounded pride. How is it - they took MINE, MY man got another one. But, Olenka, he is not yours, he was with you, but he was never yours. He is a free man like any other. You need to admit this - there is no way without it. I myself could not admit to myself that I was actually suffering not from the fact that love had passed, but from the fact that my pride was hurt, that he no longer wanted to go through life with me. But he doesn't have to want it. This is really hard to realize, but it is when you feel it that you understand the unconditionality of love.
Olya, I believe in you. You can do it! But for this you need to really want it!
Julia, age: 27 / 02/16/2012
Thanks to everyone who responded! Words cannot express my gratitude that I feel for you all who responded, thank you and my deepest bow to you all, dear ones, for your words, kind words, support, this is now dearer to me than all the blessings on earth... I swallowed like water after a drying up heat... THANK YOU!
Has it become easier? a little... not for long... but this is already something... A ray of light flashed and went out in the pitch darkness... But it ALREADY was... Will I be able to get out? I don’t know... I won’t waste words even for the sake of you, who wrote me a lot of good things and wished me a lot (thank you!), and I don’t want to lie to myself, especially to you... One thing I can say for sure - I’ll try, I tried and tried my best all these 4 years (as I am now beginning to understand, that’s why I created a double life for myself - by this I believed that at least outwardly other people would not know about my collapse, the collapse of my world and my experiences = weaknesses , which means at least I won’t humiliate myself in front of them, since there is someone to do this to the fullest) - for the sake of my son, first of all... for the sake of my mother... for the sake of the Dearest creatures that the Lord gave me in this life... But It hasn’t worked out yet and it’s not working out... But I hope... I’m trying... I’m glad and it seems I haven’t yet fully realized the joy I feel from having found this site...
P.S. Every day it gets really bad, I re-read all your messages with wishes of goodness and peace to me and my son, and it becomes a little easier, no, I’m lying, it’s not easier, but it just becomes easier to breathe... THANK YOU, MY DEARS!
Olga, age: 31 / 02/16/2012
Dear Olga. You need to be an active participant in your life. God gave us freedom, and even He does not encroach on it, why do we hand it over to the evil one with our own hands, why do we ourselves kill our souls, why do we run away from our existence at the speed of light, why do we drown out the knock of God on our heart?! When we feel bad, it seems to be because of divorce, because of illness, because of failures, because of poverty, because of the loss of loved ones, because of the economic crisis and complete devastation... But this is all a deception. This is an age of deception and the evil one uses all these situations to explain the cry of our soul, to drown out how our soul misses God, the joy that exists only in God. It’s hard to understand this, very hard, and it was even harder for me after almost 10 years of deception, betrayal, fornication, self-deception... Even now, when I’m already married, every quarrel seems to me like a collapse, betrayal and inattention from my husband. But somewhere inside, a voice tells me that no, these are all the tricks of demons, that it is their task to cause a quarrel, to drive them to despair, and even better, to make a person do something to himself. And I understand that without God’s help we cannot do ANYTHING. We must pray and ask for strength for life, for love, for humility, and for the Lord to show us his will.
Why not now, when it has become so unbearable, when your soul hurts so much, not turn to God and ask God to give you the strength and words to talk to your husband. Pray that God will do and arrange everything according to His will, and not yours. Pray with all your heart. And talk to your husband in the words that you will, about what is on your soul, without hiding or being embarrassed. And accept his answer with humility and trust God. If there is no future for your relationship, it means God has a different plan for you.
God bless you!
Julia S, age: 28 / 02/16/2012
Olga, hello!
You have a very beautiful Russian name. I also have Tatyana. I'm older now, but experiences similar to yours will be experienced at your age. That’s why I’m writing how I got out of it.
I will probably surprise you very much if I write that the feeling you are experiencing is NOT love!!! Yes Yes Yes! This is what is most difficult to understand. It took me more than (oh, horror!) 5 years!
I kept myself busy 24 hours a day: work, courses, sports, socializing at all sorts of necessary and unnecessary parties... But... every time I had at least a free minute, I thought about him. I even tried to cut my veins, you idiot! And now I remember him with gratitude. From the moment I solved this problem, I NEVER AGAIN confused true feelings with addiction. This is a priceless gift that is worth many years of suffering. A low bow to you for this, dear stranger. How did this happen? Of course, this is the question that interests you most. I'm telling you. Girls of our type often keep a diary. If you don’t have it, it doesn’t matter; you can verbally analyze how your life has changed over the past so many years. I sat down to take notes, re-read what I had written a year before, then another year, and another... It became clear that there was nothing to write except “see above.” And I thought: “Tanya! For many years you have been writing only about how unhappy you are!!! Darling, come to your senses! Why do you need this!? And I began to listen to myself. So he came - am I okay with him? - NO! !! So he left - am I okay without him? - NO!!! What kind of love is this??? I realized that I couldn’t cope, I went to a psychologist. I said: HELP! It’s bad without him, it’s bad with him! me from him, I can't cope on my own! The psychologist didn't say anything special, and what could she say?! I said everything myself when I realized that it was just as bad with him as without him. For the latter, by the way, there are many objective reasons, such as a rival, for example. Literally in the next three days I “met” the man of my life. In quotes because he had been around for a year already, we worked together. Only I “loved” someone else! Like a fool. Not to mention about how your child suffers from your mental “lock” on “love" for his father. I write in quotation marks without any doubt, because LOVE NEVER CAUSES THE SUCH FEELINGS THAT YOU ARE EXPERIING NOW!!! Believe me, I went through this. And you will pass. And you will be grateful to him for leaving and giving you the opportunity to be happy. Good luck to you, my dear Olya. It all depends only on your desire to part with such familiar suffering - dying for the sake of a new happy life for yourself and your baby.
lilit, age: 43 / 02/17/2012
Olya, can I ask you? Are you a believer? Do you feel the presence of God in your life?
Because if you start to feel his presence, you are not alone. And it doesn’t matter at all how your ex-husband builds his life. Well, he betrayed you, betrayed his son. So, I was able to, I stepped over, I made my choice. Let him follow his own path. But your track has turned in the other direction. I remember my feeling of terrible pain, from which I saved myself by continuously reading prayers. And there were falls, breakdowns, tears out of nowhere - but of course! But as I said prayers, especially prayers of thanksgiving, I felt peace. And to this day, if despondency and despair sets in, I know how to fight it: “Grateful are Thy unworthy servants, O Lord, for Thy great blessings upon us. We glorify Thee, glorify, thank, bless, sing and magnify Thy compassion and slavishly in love we cry out to Thee: O our Benefactor, O Savior, glory to Thee.” What this despondent state fears most is this prayer. Thanks to God for everything, even for your tears, insults and slander of loved ones. Read it every evening, every morning, learn it by heart. Try not to respond with evil to evil; if you can, do good; if you can’t, at least don’t do evil.
Don't make an idol out of your husband. Weak person. I couldn't become a good husband - BUT HE COULD NOT BE COULD ANYWAY. Do you understand? Don't wait for him. In any case, he would not be able to give you what you expect from him. The man is weak. And I am weak, and many other people are weak, and we all cause pain to those close to us, and the closer we are to a person, the more painful we can hurt him. Be grateful for the good things other people give you and don't be offended by the inevitable evils. Because you, too, could possibly hurt someone someday.
Find an icon of the royal family, and when you remember that you and your son were betrayed, look into Their eyes. And remember that they were betrayed by the entire people for whom they cared, for whom they prayed, for whom they accepted a terrible death. They all sent their children to die. Why were they betrayed?
Find the biography of St. Holy Martyr Princess Elizabeth, look how she responded to the evil that other people caused her. Go towards the light. Don't expect miracles of virtue from your ex-husband. Look at yourself. Hang in there.
You know, your despair and grief will pass, believe me, I speak from my experience. The time will come when it will become easier for you, when you turn to yourself, set new tasks for yourself, and begin to solve them. And at some point you will say: how good, Lord, that you did this! Thanks to this, I saw these and these shortcomings, mistakes, and can now start correcting them. Yes, if the family had survived, it would have been better. But the Lord can lead a person out of any situation into the light. Trust him. And you will definitely feel better. Do not be angry at me. Run quickly to the temple!
Growing up, age: 36 / 02/18/2012
You know, I had a similar condition.
Your problem is that you have hidden the pain inside, your pride is afraid that you will seem weak. That's why it won't let you go...
Announce to the whole world that you are suffering, share your grief - and over time it will pass.
Also, try to establish a strong, trusting relationship with at least someone.
Christina, age: 22 / 02/18/2012
Olga.
1. Love yourself and the whole world will be at your feet: for this, be irresistible and forget about feeling guilty about this whole situation.
2. The more you lament and worry, the less likely it is that everything will work out. Finally, look at the situation soberly... and if he returns, he will constantly go to the left... do you need this??? The fact that you are lamenting is only worse for you and your baby. Love yourself, accept and let go of this situation, wish him happiness, calm down and everything will work out.
3. Tell me, Olga, are you worthy of such a life? So choose another one for yourself. The main thing is to accept the situation, treat it calmly and not wish him harm. AND EVERYTHING WILL BE GOOD.
Olga, I myself experienced a similar situation, and I myself stayed with the child - it was not two years. SUCH MEN ARE NOT worthy of us. You understand, another life awaits you, undoubtedly a better one. So first, prepare to accept happiness and do not delay the moment with your despondency. Remember, it’s not for nothing that despondency is a sin!
happy, age: enough / 02/20/2012
Olya, when my husband left me a year ago (December 31), I sat, swallowing tears and snot, in such a stupor that I was not even able to set the New Year’s table... My twenty-year-old son came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said: “Mother, don’t cry, I’m with you, YOU HAVE ME! And let him roll, no one will need him later.” Then they doused me with a cold shower. Now he is asked by “grandmothers, aunts and uncles,” do you like your mother’s new husband? To which he replies: “If only she was happy.” And I’m happy because I have a son like him! And men... A HOLY PLACE IS NEVER EMPTY! Keep your nose up, Olya.
El, age: 40 / 02/22/2012
Olga, you are still so young. You are 31 years old, for me life has just begun at this age. Forget this person, try to stop communicating with him. It will be hard at first, but very soon you will realize that you wasted so much time grieving about him. God help you!
Tusya, age: 46 / 02/22/2012
Dear Olenka! I want to ask you, why don’t you love yourself so much? Why, why all this torture of yourself because of a person who is not able to appreciate your love? On the other hand, ask yourself an honest question: DID I LOVE HIM or DO I LOVE HIM NOW? We women very often confuse the concepts of love and affection; for some reason we believe that if a man lives with us or has lived for some time, then he has given himself into slavery to us. But this is not true, no one belongs to anyone, we come into this world alone and leave alone. And what seems to us to be love is not love. Love, by definition, is that you simply love a person as yourself, forgive him everything, accept him as he is, regardless of what decision he made: to be with you or not. This is, in my understanding, love, everything else is our desires; in this case, your desire and the desires of your husband diverged. So what's going on? The fact that you instill in him a feeling of guilt for his action will not make him closer to you, but on the contrary, he will move away from you because you remind him of the bad act that he committed. And in no case can you get attention from a man through a child. Do you know, Olenka, how many childless women live on earth who dream that God would send them a child, and He would give you this miracle, and what are you doing? You, swimming in your emotions and grievances, do not notice all the beautiful things associated with your baby. Instead of enjoying every minute, you eat yourself and ruin your baby. Come to your senses! You have a wonderful baby, and most importantly, truly true love awaits you ahead, but first you need to love yourself sincerely, unselfishly, then understand that love is a divine feeling, and it has nothing to do with resentment, anger, disappointment , humiliation, jealousy... And I assure you, life will turn the other way towards you. Enjoy life, health, your baby and carry a piece of God within you. First of all, forgive all the grievances against your husband, let him go, wish him sincere happiness with his new woman and believe, he will let you go and God will take care of you. You know, if your husband was given to you by God, then he will be with you. Perhaps he just needs to go through a certain experience so that he can appreciate you, and if not, then no matter what happens, he still won’t be with you, then the question is, why are you wasting your energy in emptiness? I sincerely wish you to find yourself and remember: nothing comes easy.
Galina, age: 37 / 02/22/2012
Olga! You are a brave woman! Listen to what people are writing to you about. Look into your child's eyes, he needs your protection and support, he is still so small. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get yourself in order and continue living here and now!
Eva, age: 54 / 02/22/2012
You will definitely be fine! Ask the Lord for help... He will not leave anyone! God bless you!
Julia, age: 32 / 02/24/2012
Olga, my name is Eleanor. Vysh counted "SCREAM". The cry of your soul. How can I understand you! We lived for 25 years. They really wanted a second child, but nothing worked out. The son was 20 years old at that time. He is now 23 years old. Loved each other. I'm probably more. The husband is a tough, domineering man. He has always been in power, it leaves an imprint. He drank a lot, and when he came home he could humiliate me, my son. Verbally, but after that he asked me for forgiveness, I forgave because I loved. She loved, forgave, endured. He didn’t take me anywhere in particular, he went everywhere alone. And I sat at home, took care of myself, my son, and worked on my figure. He had his own business, 2 times, he closed it, for various reasons. As a result, 3 years ago, after the New Year, he said that I was no longer his wife and we would not live together. I thought life had stopped! I didn't want to live! Didn't understand why? For what? And then there were 2 years of hell! He lived in the same apartment with us and did not speak to me or my son. He only talked to me when he was drunk, and I was happy about that too! We spent 10 years building a house. We all dreamed of living there together. The house is big. Our friends were very happy for us. And when everything was done for him to live there, he hastily packed his things and left! At first it was even easy, there were no humiliations or insults, but at times it was so overwhelming that you could even howl! Memory, damned memory... But never mind, we have to live! I found a good job. Working with people. I realized that people value and respect me. This helps a lot. There is no man in my life yet, probably, I have not yet freed my heart from my husband, so the Lord does not give another. Olya, it’s true, it can be very difficult! But I understood one thing. The Lord gave me life and I have only one! And I must live it beautifully and with benefit for my loved ones, for my friends, for the people with whom I intersect in life. And not live HIS life! Believe me, HE won't appreciate it! He will only laugh at you, sorry! And further. I adore the poems of Nikolai Aseev. This is my favorite excerpt.
Honey, you are not dear to me at all.
They're not that cute.
Protecting my heart from melancholy,
They clenched their teeth and silently forgot them!
Let's just rephrase it as cute. Olenka, clenching her teeth, they are silently forgotten!!! I have no doubt that you are a wonderful person! Beautiful woman, young, smart! Everything will be fine! Never doubt it!!! And bite into this life! She is beautiful and amazing, no matter what! Good luck, happiness and LOVE!
Eleanor, age: 46 / 02/25/2012
Hello Olga! What an interesting thing - life! You are asking for help, but your letter helped me, I can’t really explain how exactly, but it was as if someone had hit me on the head and I saw everything in a different light. I also couldn’t forget him for 4 years. But in my case, this is simply absurd - in these 4 years I have never seen him, so, we corresponded a couple of times about little things and we didn’t even live together, it was just great love and passion. And here I am, a successful, beautiful girl, who has finally found the man of my dreams, whom I have always dreamed of... live and enjoy life! But I am drawn to my ex, and I dream about him, and I think every day... some kind of attack is coming. I understand that I need to let go and live a new life, new relationships. BUT HOW? But I read your letter and responses and realized... letting go does not mean that you will never see each other again or will erase each other from life forever, or that indifference or negativity will forever remain, this option is difficult to understand. On the contrary, leave tenderness in your soul, thank you for the happy moments and go your own way. In his soul he will remain yours, those memories, years. And if suddenly fate decides to push you again, you will be able to talk to him with an open soul, laugh, because he was once a loved one. And now he’s a stranger, why do you need a stranger’s man? You don’t miss him, but the beautiful memories, you want them to repeat... Olga, if after so much time you haven’t let go, then you still need it, your personality, your soul needs it... Try to understand yourself, delve into your soul, have a dialogue with your heart. Just pay attention not to external factors - who he is with, how he is... but to the voice of your heart. What is he missing? Have pity on him, your heart, like a little child; perhaps what you lacked was complicity and pity. Good luck, Olga! I keep my fingers crossed for you!
Marishka Peter, age: 28 / 02/27/2012
Olga, I’m also 31 years old, I have a daughter. He left after a quarrel, I thought he would come back, but no... he went nowhere, the divorce has been going on for 2 years... when I see him, my heart skips a beat, but he is indifferent. He simply erased us from life, as if we never existed...
What to do? Living for the sake of the child is the whole truth.
Nastya, age: 31 / 03/03/2012
Hold on, life is being explored in something new, my husband also left me, I realized that I need to look for another man, be strong, your baby, you will help yourself, I wish you happiness! May good luck always accompany you and your wishes come true!
Marina, age: 44 / 12/20/2012
Good night! You know, my husband just recently abandoned me with a small child (9 months old) in his arms, I was left completely alone... I don’t want to live... I’m already crying all over, I’ve lost a lot of weight... I love my husband very much , and his feelings cooled, one day he just took it and left... I don’t know how to live further, I do everything automatically... I understand you like no one else.. They say time heals.. We are strong women, and we will survive everything! Hang in there , soon everything will be fine! Sincerely, Olya!
Olya, age: 24 / 02/06/2013
Olga, dear, how are you? Lord, I understand you so much!!! Darling, how sorry do you feel about the children? As a sample for them! For men! Lord, may God give you strength, patience, all the best! The post is old, I see it’s already 2 years old, but sorry, I couldn’t help but answer!!! Be happy!
Christina, age: 20 / 08/05/2014
Dear Olga! As a woman who experienced a divorce after 16 years of legal marriage, I can say there is only one recipe: kill the hope of his return, erase him from your life as much as possible. It took me 4 years, I’m older, there will be no more family, of course, if I still remain sober and have a solid memory, and therefore I’m surprised why such a young woman can’t survive a divorce for so long. Of course, it’s hard to cut your ex-husband out of your life if the child is small, but you can somehow arrange for him to see the child not in your presence, maybe in front of your mother, another relative, friend, etc. No calls on topics other than the child; any communication should be excluded as much as possible. Of course, each person thinks from his own perspective, so I think, no matter how unpleasant it may sound to you now, your child’s stuttering is your area of responsibility, dad has withdrawn, you need to pull yourself together for the sake of your child, he sees your condition, maybe Perhaps you allow yourself to talk in his presence about how your dad abandoned you and him, and children tend to shift this responsibility onto themselves, to blame themselves for the fact that mom and dad no longer live together. The child feels bad precisely because of your condition, but he had nothing to do with it, you and your ex-husband were quarreling. For my child, the main thing has always been that I be there, the rest is not so important) Stop following his life immediately! This is pure masochism! Please listen to my advice, maybe it will help you. It helped me so much that I was now using a calculator to count how many years I had lived with him) and I was counting not from the moment my husband left, but from the moment I moved into the apartment in which I now live, coincidentally, it happened almost simultaneously , and I remember the year of marriage because of the date of birth of the child) I’ll tell you more, I don’t recognize his voice on the phone if he happens to call, and nothing happens) And about the fact that I won’t have a family with anyone else , - this is not because there is no one to support, I just don’t want to, I tried freedom, as they say. I am now grateful to my ex-husband for my son, for the way I live now) Don’t cling to the past, it has passed, and thank God, it will be better ahead if you make room for this in your soul, in your life.
Nora, age: 45 / 11/10/2017
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Surely you have at least once heard the story of how a man left a woman with a child and went to another. This is a fairly common case that occurs quite often. Perhaps you too have encountered such a situation, and now you cannot understand what exactly your mistake was. Do men really leave women with children more often? Is there any pattern? You will learn about this in this article.
Why are women with children abandoned more often?
1. He doesn't know how to take responsibility for his actions. Unfortunately, the situation when a man is looking for love for one night is quite common, and sometimes a woman does not even realize how seriously a particular person takes her.
It is quite possible that his feelings flared up and quickly passed, and the intimacy led to the birth of a child. At some point, the man realizes that now he must behave like an exemplary father, raise a child and provide for his wife, but he was not ready for this, so he decides to leave. The act of a truly weak person, but sometimes it is impossible to change anything in such a situation.
Unfortunately, a husband leaving the family is a fairly common occurrence in the modern world. The most difficult situation is when a man leaves a woman with a newborn baby. A new mother immediately has a lot of disturbing thoughts in her head: where can she get the strength to live on and not break down, how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, how much money to live on?
It happens that the birth of a child, instead of uniting the family, on the contrary, gives impetus to the flight of the father of the family. There are many reasons for such an act: loss of sexual interest in a woman, deterioration of the wife’s appearance after childbirth, fear of the unknown, accumulated fatigue, fear of financial difficulties, problems communicating with the spouse, the appearance of another woman, etc.
A husband who runs away from responsibility wounds women with double force. Firstly, the betrayal of a loved one is always difficult to survive, and secondly, the husband also abandons a newborn child who so needs a strong and loving family.
1. When experiencing a breakup, people experience pain, depression, guilt, and self-pity. And you need to be patient and just get through this period, because in some cases nothing can be returned (and sometimes there is no point), and you need to learn to live on, moving towards new events, meetings, relationships. The goal of an abandoned woman is to learn to be happy again. No matter how difficult it may be to accept, life does not end after the husband leaves the family, but perhaps a new stage in life begins.
2. A woman needs to realize that she is not completely alone. She has a little man for whom she is the whole universe. No matter how bitter and sad it may be, one cannot give up, because now she alone must take care of the baby, only she bears the main responsibility for the future life of the little person.
3. Accept any help and do not hesitate to ask your friends, loved ones and relatives yourself; in the first stages it will be extremely useful. Redistribute care for the child and among relatives, highlight “areas of responsibility.” Make sure from your own experience that friends and family, neighbors and even just acquaintances are ready to help if you clearly explain what it might be.
4. Make a schedule of meetings with close friends and relatives and strictly adhere to it. Talk to them on the phone more often - isolation can worsen depression.
5. Walk outside regularly with a stroller or using a baby sling as often as possible during the day. Move all the time, because constant moderate physical activity helps lift your mood.
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6.
Do not be skeptical about the famous proverb that time is the best medicine. As practice shows, after some time, everyone who has found themselves in a similar situation reacts more calmly to their husband’s action. However, there is no specific period; everyone has their own time frame for calming the soul.
7. Women's forums are filled with such stories. And many women successfully overcame all difficulties, improved their lives and found feminine happiness. Read the stories of online users, ask forum members for advice, share your incident. Even strangers are ready to provide support and discuss a difficult life situation.
8. Baby yoga will help satisfy the physical and emotional needs of mother and baby, and distract from sad thoughts and experiences.
9.
Don’t try to hide and suppress your mood; on the contrary, share your concerns with people, talk through the problems. Moreover, the more times you do this, the easier your soul will become.
10. One of the serious issues is money. Of course, it is difficult to provide for both of them alone with a small child in her arms. Child support for up to one year is protection of his right to the necessary material support. If the husband, after leaving, does not participate in the child’s life in any way financially, then it will be necessary to go to court.
11. In addition to the “default” happiness that appears in the house simultaneously with the birth of a child, you can (and should) consider that a child is your personal “perpetual” motion machine, existing in a single copy and powered by your positive emotions.
12.
If necessary, seek qualified help from a psychiatrist or psychotherapist who can help you cope with your emotional distress.
Unfortunately, difficulties are inevitable, but you need to learn to treat them philosophically. Your task is not to become despondent, but to find an opportunity to make the most of your current state. Remember that problems in life only strengthen you and force you to look at current events from a different perspective.
Prepared by Valeria Skripkina
A man and woman get married and have a child. Normal situation. But for some reason, it suddenly turns out that this “normal situation” turns out to be an unbearable burden - and the husband leaves, leaving his wife with a small child in her arms. What to do? Branded with shame? Try to get him back? Are you proud to pretend that this person was never in your life?
It is important to understand the reasons why he did this.
Reason 1. Fear
A man sometimes cannot admit to himself that he is overcome by fear. He is unbearably afraid to take responsibility. Now he always has to do something: provide for his family, take care of his wife, take care of the child... This burden of responsibility puts pressure on the man, and he prefers to retreat.
And besides, he is haunted by fear of change - he will no longer be able to live the way he used to, everything has changed, it has become so difficult, and the previous life was much easier and more pleasant. He doesn't want to give it up at all. And therefore, running away is an easy way out.
Reason 2. “I can’t cope”
How often can one hear such dialogue!
Why did you leave your family?
I realized that I couldn't cope.
This is a painful blow to male pride. Feeling inadequate, realizing that you can’t cope with a new role is terrible for such a man. True, he most likely forgot to think about how a woman left without her support and protection will now cope.
Reason 3. He is no longer the center of the universe
Before the birth of a child, a man was the main person in his woman’s life. After the birth of a child, everything changes - in first place is now the little person who has just been born. It is he who receives all the attention, and the husband seems to fade into the background. This change is an unpleasant shock to many men. They do not want to put up with second roles, and disappear into the dawn fog, as if they never existed.
Reason 4. Problems with my wife
The previous reason smoothly flows into this one. He gets tired at work, comes home - and there is no rest, but like another job, moreover, to the continuous screams of the heir. And an exhausted, exhausted wife. She needs help, and the man needs rest. A series of mutual reproaches begins.
Besides, a young mother, as a rule, has no time to take care of herself and take care of herself, and there’s nothing to talk about her intimate life - is that something she cares about?
This whole situation puts pressure on the man, and he considers it best to leave the territory.
Reason 5. Mistress
As old as time. If a man cannot get something at home, he will go and get it somewhere else. And then, for example, a pretty colleague appears on the horizon. And the man begins to build a new relationship with another woman. Before he knew it, he left his wife and two children.
Reason 6. “Well-wishers”
How often they say about broken families that their “relatives divorced them.” And indeed, when all sorts of nasty things are whispered into your ears from both sides about your “other half,” you begin to think: maybe this person really isn’t right for you? And generally unworthy? And now the family is already on the verge of divorce, because diligent relatives, friends and colleagues said different things.
How to survive after a divorce without money and with a child
Despair and a feeling of hopelessness are what wives most often experience when they are abandoned with their children. It is not clear how to live further, the ground has disappeared from under our feet, so that, as it seems at that moment, we will never return. It is not true. And the ground will return under your feet, and it will turn out that it is quite possible to live on.
Where to begin? Make a plan. Write down your income and expenses, identify resources, understand what and how much time it takes. Set goals. Some goals will cover the next couple of days, while others may turn out to be a goal for half a lifetime.
Start implementing the plan. Perhaps you will look for a job at home, maybe you will learn a new profession (for example, you have a certain amount of money with which you can afford cutting and sewing courses or take up learning Photoshop on your own), or maybe it turns out that you have you have a dacha that should have been sold long ago and invested in something worthwhile.
Stay busy all the time. This therapy saves you from dark thoughts and the temptation to enter a river for the second time that you don’t need to enter. The work will bear fruit - and now you are no longer a “penniless divorcee”, everything is getting better for you.
In your plan for life there must be a place for activities with the child- so that his mother does not disappear into work, but takes part in his life. To do this, you definitely need to find an internal resource.
And the last thing - take care of your health. It's like on an airplane - first you put the oxygen mask on yourself, and only then on the child. Your health is a matter of your and your child’s well-being. If you are healthy, calm and smiling, there will be much more joy and ups than troubles and downs in your future and in the future of your child.
It is important that your son or daughter does not suffer from the breakdown of their parents' relationship. No matter how difficult and bad it is, try to control yourself.Realize that a breakup is something that has already happened to you. Now you don't know how to survive a divorce, but believe me, it's not the end of the world. Even if now it seems to you that this is not so. Don’t think that life is over - with the departure of a man who, by the way, did not act in the best way, you get a chance to find something new and beautiful in the future.
Getting over a divorce doesn't take five minutes. It's normal to worry. The most difficult period is considered to be the 2-3 months immediately after the divorce. Psychologists advise not to make any radical decisions at this time. Give yourself time to cool down, calm down and look at things soberly.
It is important that your son or daughter does not suffer from the breakdown of their parents' relationship. No matter how difficult and bad it is, try to control yourself. Children are sensitive to your mood; try to provide them with the maximum psychological comfort that is possible in such a situation.
No matter how trivial it may sound, you need to explain to the child that dad and mom no longer live together, but both continue to love him. Tell this to your child so that your explanation fits within the framework of his understanding of the world. That is, speak to him in a language accessible to his age.
And be sure to explain that what is happening is not his fault. The child’s psychology is such that he, as an egocentric person, subconsciously considers himself guilty. “Mom and dad had a fight because I broke a vase.” Remove from him the burden of responsibility for adult relationships, for which he, in fact, should not bear responsibility.
You are hurt, you are offended, you are angry. You experience a whole range of emotions towards your ex-husband, and all of them are mostly negative. But turning a child against his father is a bad idea. After all, he loves him. Moreover, he feels like a person who has half mom and half dad. By saying bad things about a child's father, even if he deserves it, you are essentially turning the child against some significant part of himself. As a result, he may receive such psychological trauma that will ruin your child’s life for many years.
If the ex-husband does not renounce paternity, is not dangerous to the child, helps and wants to see him - let them do it. Allow visits or meetings on neutral territory. After all, a good Sunday dad is better than no dad at all.
You have the difficult task of raising a child without a father. You will work a lot, you will be tired, you will have to do a lot yourself. In this busy schedule there is no place for entertainment, and a single mother often “drives herself”, sooner or later coming to nervous, and sometimes physical, exhaustion.
To prevent this from happening, allow yourself a break. Sometimes an extra half hour of sleep is more important than a sparklingly polished stove, and a ten-minute walk in the park is more beneficial than perfectly ironed creases on your trousers. Allow yourself a “reward” at least once a day - get pleasure from some little thing. Three minutes of dancing to the radio. Drink tea quietly for five minutes. With candy. You can also smear your hands with cream that smells delicious. Or wear your favorite sweater. These little joys make a big difference. So don’t forget about them.
Conclusion
There are probably women in the world who simply get over a divorce from a man who leaves his wife and child, and move on with their lives. Everyone else is having a hard time. But guess what? You can’t give up - after all, you have you and your child. It may not be easy, but you will definitely make it.
For women who find themselves in a situation where their husband left them alone with their child, and don’t know how to get over the breakup, there is a place where they can get help and support. Contact the site's experts - and they will certainly support you and tell you how best to proceed. Free for new clients!
