The birth of a child tests the strength of any family. Sometimes it doesn’t even come to its appearance, the union collapses at the stage of pregnancy. A woman feels betrayed, used, suddenly finds herself face to face with the frightening need to make the most serious decisions alone that will affect her whole life. Unfortunately, this turn of events is not uncommon. Is it possible to emerge from a tragic story as a winner and how?
What to do?
Pregnancy is stressful for the body, and such a difficult life situation is double stress for you. Keep this in mind and be kind to yourself, as your reactions can be very sharp. Tears, apathy, inability to think clearly, severe mental pain, panic, insomnia, physical discomfort are completely natural in this state.Natural, but undesirable, because a little dear little man lives inside you, to whom this can harm. You will have to become a mother not only to him, but also to yourself.
Call your doctor and ask for a safe sedative. Get a good night's sleep, eat something tasty and, if you feel good enough, go out into the fresh air, take a walk, or find another way to recover.
What happened is not the end of the world. Many women found themselves in a similar situation, and they all overcame it, and many even successfully. You are no worse than others and deserve a good fate for yourself and your child.
After you have exhaled and calmed down a bit, go to the people. To those who can support you in word or deed: parents, girlfriends, relatives, acquaintances, a psychologist. Human warmth, participation, advice, experience, an unbiased view from the outside will become your support in difficult times. You are not alone.
You have an important decision to make: how to live on. It will take time and acceptance of reality. Your husband is not with you now, you should not count on him. It will return - you will think about what to do with it, but for now, rely on yourself, your capabilities and your assistants.
If you don't feel empowered to raise a child on your own, consider having an abortion. This is your body and your life. If such an exit is unacceptable for you or you are not in a desperate situation, consider further steps in preparing for childbirth and the postpartum period. Where will you live, with whom, who will help you babysit, do you have money for childbirth and dowry for the baby, how will you earn, how much do you plan to be on maternity leave, are you going to get divorced and file for alimony.
Consult with experts and more experienced people. Think about what you need and what is good for you.
The most important thing that you now have to do is to take responsibility for your decisions and for the child. For all 100%. You can, because millions of single mothers and women who are raising children themselves after divorce can. This is not a shame, you are in a more respected position than a husband who has run away from responsibility. This is not offensive, because you are showing a more mature position than he is.
Why did he leave?
The reasons may be different, let's try to figure it out. Although not immediately, since you have primary concerns, it is important to understand the cause of the conflict in order to avoid such mistakes in the future.- He got scared. He was not ready for the role of a father and husband supporting his wife in pregnancy. Even if he asked for a child. Not ready for the fact that your attention will now not belong undividedly to him. In addition to having to earn more, spend less time and money on entertainment. To the fact that your body and your behavior will change, and this is forever. That you will have to take care of someone else, not sleep at night, limit your life. That a child may not be born exactly as he wants, or generally unhealthy, or not from him. He failed to take responsibility and show courage. Just ran away, leaving you to deal with what the two of you created.
- He went to another. Probably, their romance developed behind your back for some time according to all the laws of love triangles. One of the hidden meanings of triangles is the competition between wife and mistress. For some reason, you lost it. Outwardly similar, but different in essence, the situation can be in the triangle "he-you-his mother."
- He fell out of love with you. Maybe for a long time he was tired of scandals and alienation between you, the inability to agree, lack of interest, constant criticism, mood swings, excessive demands, incomprehensible prospects, a habit instead of a deep feeling, your lack of independence. Pregnancy served only as a catalyst for what was bound to happen sooner or later. Or maybe the pregnancy revealed hidden conflicts and his love quickly melted away. The result is the same - your paths diverged at the most inopportune moment.
Is it possible to fix everything, return it?
To answer this question, you should honestly decide: do you want everything to be the same again, or are you ready to re-build a relationship with the person who abandoned you and your common child.It is unlikely that it will be possible to glue the former family life together, or rather to recreate its illusion - it is destroyed by the unequivocal act of the husband. And how can you force another person to return to where he fled from?! Force, threats, complaints, your humiliation? Think what kind of life it would be if he returned on such terms.
It is possible to build relationships anew, but under certain conditions and with at least the minimum desire of the husband. First of all, take a long enough time-out. Do not write to him, do not call and do not meet, do not go to his pages on social networks, avoid unwanted questions from mutual acquaintances, try to be distracted when obsessive thoughts about him come flooding in.
If you can't distract yourself, make time for yourself specifically to think about your husband. For example, every day / Thursdays / three times a week from 10:00 am to 10:15 am. Do not exceed the 15-minute limit, do not set a time for thinking in the evening before bed. Be distracted by pleasant emotions and communication, things that bring you pleasure, and things that benefit your development and well-being. Live like this for at least a month.
And, no matter how paradoxical it sounds, do not let your husband invade your life during this period - it is vital for you to remain calm and think carefully about how to proceed.
Ask yourself: why do you need this person? What needs can you satisfy only with it? Who will help you meet these needs if it doesn't work out? What is acceptable and unacceptable for you in intimate relationships? What kind of relationship would you like ideally with him?
The answers to these key questions will help you determine your next course of action. Sit down, divide the sheet into two halves and write down the points: what will you personally do if he returns, and what if he does not return. Be sincere with yourself and try to imagine exactly how you will fulfill your plans, how you feel.
So, you can write that you will never, ever quarrel with your husband, but imagining how he again does what previously made you furious, you will feel an overflowing wave of anger. It is better to write how exactly you will resolve such conflicts in the future.
And another paradox: do not call him back and do not try to sort things out with him. If he wants to come back, he will come himself and say so himself. The initiative will only put you in the weak position of a humiliated petitioner, or even worse, a hysterical brawler. Activity is appropriate only if you have carefully decided to file for divorce, division of property, alimony.
Accept and empathize with the fact that you will experience various and not always pleasant emotions. To the fact that sometimes you will feel very weak, offended by the whole world, desperate or seized with a thirst for revenge.
This is normal for a person in a stressful, crisis situation. Pity yourself in moderation. Do not scold or belittle yourself - just stop doing it as soon as you catch yourself in self-depreciating thoughts. You, like any person, have the right to make mistakes and imperfections. The black streak will end sooner or later, and your fortitude and ability to resolve life's cataclysms will forever remain with you.
You are on the threshold of a new life. Soon you will become a mother and a truly adult person, able to take responsibility for yourself and for another. It costs a lot.
Tags: divorce,
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Questions often come to the psychologist's mail: What to do if boyfriend dumped pregnant girlfriend; how to survive a breakup, fall out of love, forget a person, or vice versa, how to return a loved one; Also, abandoned pregnant girls and women, worry about excessive excitement, which is completely unnecessary during pregnancy and can affect both the woman herself and her fetus. (love addiction) (neurotic love)
What to do if a guy, a man, a husband left a pregnant girl, woman, wife
Feeling abandoned, abandoned, lonely is hard and no one wants to, and abandoned pregnant women have to worry for two.What should a pregnant girl do if her boyfriend left her; what to do for a woman in a position if her beloved man left her; what should a wife do if her husband left her, a pregnant woman ...
First of all, you need to understand and realize that you are not alone; that a new life, a new person, is developing inside you, and that now you are responsible for two, i.e. for yourself and for your unborn child - this is your great mission and responsibility.
Further, in order to more easily survive parting and negative emotions, you need to seek psychological, moral support from really close people: parents, friends, or, if possible, come to a psychologist.
Close relatives and friends, if they love and respect you, in some cases will be able to replace a good psychotherapist; if they pretend to be great visionaries and mentors (by type, I told you ..., or, you yourself are a fool ..., or you need to do something), then help and support from these people, at best, no, but usually negative.
Then, you need to learn how to independently cope with stress, excessive excitement and depression without medication.
After being abandoned pregnant, learn to deal with stress and depression on your own
You say: I'm pregnant, my boyfriend left me…
You have stress, you start to worry and worry about what happened, you can become depressed; you expect pity for yourself from others and you unconsciously feel sorry for yourself - this is a negative position, you need to love and respect yourself, and not feel sorry, you are not a victim, which means the situation is in your hands.
The most common drug-free ways to relieve stress and fight depression are considered to be auto-training, meditation, psycho-training (see) and self-hypnosis, with which you can also program yourself for any goals and success, both in personal, family and business, public life.
After you get out of a stressful situation, your intellect will return to you, reduced with excessive excitement and worries, i.e. you will think better and more adequately, and therefore, find the right solutions.
When the mind is colder, one will think: Do I need a guy who left me pregnant, and is it worth trying to return him ... is there a future for me and my child with him ... or maybe I got rid of a future unhappy life ... maybe now I can review everything and build my life in a new way, making myself and my child happy.
It should be remembered that life after you abandoned pregnant, does not end, but even one more life is added
This, of course, is general advice, and in each specific case and personal situation, an individual approach and selection of methods is necessary, but this requires a consultation with a psychologist in the form of a dialogue, it is also possible online, in extreme cases, by correspondence.
Everything is in your hands - good luck!
Despite the storm of feelings in such a situation, try to pull yourself together. Life doesn't end there. Look at it from the other side: if your young man left you after learning about the pregnancy, it was hardly worth continuing the relationship with him. Such a person will not become a reliable partner for later life.
Soberly assess the situation in which you find yourself. Think about whether you have reliable people to whom you could turn for help, both moral and financial. These people can be your parents, friends, relatives.
Don't waste time feeling sorry for yourself. This will not be of much help to you. Also, don't call yourself the reason for the end of your relationship. In such a situation, both partners are to blame. If a person left your life, then it was not your person.
Decision-making
One of the hardest things about being pregnant alone is making the right decision. There may be two options - to leave the child and have an abortion. Listen to your mind. He will help you make a choice.
If you decide to have a child, consider your options for creating the necessary conditions. So, you must have a job, the earnings from which would be enough for you to support yourself and the baby. In addition, it is necessary to provide financial support during parental leave. These can be payments at the place of work, as well as help from parents or relatives.
Having made the decision to have a baby, protect yourself from opposing opinions. The negative attitude of others will negatively affect you and the baby. Explain to your family that you have made a firm decision. Over time, they will come to terms and, perhaps, will begin to help you. In any case, rely only on yourself, do not rely on hypothetical help from other people. So it will be easier for you to solve problems that arise.
Switch your thoughts to taking care of your health and the health of your unborn child. Make it your new goal. Protect yourself from everything bad, annoying. Find something that gives you strength and positive energy. For some it will be music, for others it will be communication with animals. Surround yourself with nice things.
If, after carefully weighing everything, you decide to get rid of the child, contact the antenatal clinic. Psychologists working there will help you survive a difficult moment in life. In addition, specialist gynecologists will provide you with the necessary assistance.
It is especially painful when a man leaves a woman in a position, and they are not married. As long as they have a romance - everything is fine. Or not very nice, but that doesn't matter. Bells are such a thing that is and sometimes rings VERY loudly, but they are not heard point-blank. And this is the most “thrown” happens. In my language - escaped responsibility.
Basically, we will talk about a woman in a position, but everything in the same way applies to those who did not have time to conceive a child.
Even the most loving man who wants a child, with the news that "there will be three of us now," falls into a stupor, shock. For him, a child is a responsibility. Great responsibility. And not everyone can pull it. And then leaving a woman and leaving (even if he is decent in other matters) is easier for his psyche than taking responsibility for a child.
Another important factor is that such men do not love a woman so much to live with her all his life and raise children. They can have fun, have a good time, be not alone but "in a pair", because they are looked after and there is someone to have sex with. They have not yet agreed to a serious relationship in their head, even if they stubbornly pretended to agree to everything. Therefore, this is another fat plus for avoiding responsibility.
How to survive it?
3 easy steps to make your life easier
Step 1. To begin with, accept it as a fact, and then come to terms.
Yes, a lot of feelings and emotions. Yes, there is shock, anger, denial - and as long as you deny what happened, you do not accept reality, which means that your experiences are neurotic in nature.
Recognize that it has already happened. This is a fact, with the result of which something must be done.
Accept that you can't change anything. Nothing. It happened. You left the room, the door slammed shut, there was no key. Dot. And only after acceptance comes humility. In this state, it is much easier to think soberly and logically about how to continue to live.
Live all the feelings with your body - cry, swear, get angry. It is important to repent of what happened. Because if resentment or anger remains, then your relationship with him will not be completed.
Step 2 (which will help step 1). Free yourself from pride!
It is from her, because she whispers like that - it’s impossible with me, he shouldn’t have done that. It feeds suffering very well. It is difficult, of course, but there is no other way. Nobody is obligated to take care of you. This is your task - to provide yourself with such a life so as not to depend (in a bad way) on others (opinions, money, presence).
And the fact that a woman is pregnant is always a 50/50 responsibility. Although a larger percentage is shifted to men, the reason for this is not entirely clear to me. My assumption is that this is psychological immaturity and the inability to provide for one's life financially.
A man does not leave a child - he leaves a woman, he still has no feelings for a child. And the fact that the child will be born and the father will not be, there is nothing fatal in this. The fact that a man leaves is a frequent phenomenon.
In my time, there were quite a lot of "fatherlessness". Of the six girls, only one had a father, and that was normal. Everyone has grown up and achieved a lot. As a child born without a father, I can tell you for sure that life can be arranged without the presence of a father. BUT thanks to my mother, who pulled herself together and gave all her energy to me.
For a child, for making money and for finding another. A suitable father for a child. While you are suffering, the energy goes to your "ex" or into the void. So why spend what we already have in limited quantities?
And yes, having done all of the above, you will not traumatize the child with what a terrible father he has and what he did to you. You will not tell him in fits of anger that you are the same as your father! ! You will not say that all men are goats, etc. Because women say this out of their pain and unlived feelings.
For your child, you will do much more useful if you use the recommendations.
If it will be difficult to do this on your own (although it is very possible), then it is better to seek help from a psychologist. You can get it for free on our website.
The birth of a child tests the strength of any family. Sometimes it doesn’t even come to its appearance, the union collapses at the stage of pregnancy. A woman feels betrayed, used, suddenly finds herself face to face with the frightening need to make the most serious decisions alone that will affect her whole life. Unfortunately, this turn of events is not uncommon. Is it possible to emerge from a tragic story as a winner and how?
What to do?
Pregnancy is stressful for the body, and such a difficult life situation is double stress for you. Keep this in mind and be kind to yourself, as your reactions can be very sharp. Tears, apathy, inability to think clearly, severe mental pain, panic, insomnia, physical discomfort are completely natural in this state.Natural, but undesirable, because a little dear little man lives inside you, to whom this can harm. You will have to become a mother not only to him, but also to yourself.
Call your doctor and ask for a safe sedative. Get a good night's sleep, eat something tasty and, if you feel good enough, go out into the fresh air, take a walk, or find another way to recover.
What happened is not the end of the world. Many women found themselves in a similar situation, and they all overcame it, and many even successfully. You are no worse than others and deserve a good fate for yourself and your child.
After you have exhaled and calmed down a bit, go to the people. To those who can support you in word or deed: parents, girlfriends, relatives, acquaintances, a psychologist. Human warmth, participation, advice, experience, an unbiased view from the outside will become your support in difficult times. You are not alone.
You have an important decision to make: how to live on. It will take time and acceptance of reality. Your husband is not with you now, you should not count on him. It will return - you will think about what to do with it, but for now, rely on yourself, your capabilities and your assistants.
If you don't feel empowered to raise a child on your own, consider having an abortion. This is your body and your life. If such an exit is unacceptable for you or you are not in a desperate situation, consider further steps in preparing for childbirth and the postpartum period. Where will you live, with whom, who will help you babysit, do you have money for childbirth and dowry for the baby, how will you earn, how much do you plan to be on maternity leave, are you going to get divorced and file for alimony.
Consult with experts and more experienced people. Think about what you need and what is good for you.
The most important thing that you now have to do is to take responsibility for your decisions and for the child. For all 100%. You can, because millions of single mothers and women who are raising children themselves after divorce can. This is not a shame, you are in a more respected position than a husband who has run away from responsibility. This is not offensive, because you are showing a more mature position than he is.
Why did he leave?
The reasons may be different, let's try to figure it out. Although not immediately, since you have primary concerns, it is important to understand the cause of the conflict in order to avoid such mistakes in the future.- He got scared. He was not ready for the role of a father and husband supporting his wife in pregnancy. Even if he asked for a child. Not ready for the fact that your attention will now not belong undividedly to him. In addition to having to earn more, spend less time and money on entertainment. To the fact that your body and your behavior will change, and this is forever. That you will have to take care of someone else, not sleep at night, limit your life. That a child may not be born exactly as he wants, or generally unhealthy, or not from him. He failed to take responsibility and show courage. Just ran away, leaving you to deal with what the two of you created.
- He went to another. Probably, their romance developed behind your back for some time according to all the laws of love triangles. One of the hidden meanings of triangles is the competition between wife and mistress. For some reason, you lost it. Outwardly similar, but different in essence, the situation can be in the triangle "he-you-his mother."
- He fell out of love with you. Maybe for a long time he was tired of scandals and alienation between you, the inability to agree, lack of interest, constant criticism, mood swings, excessive demands, incomprehensible prospects, a habit instead of a deep feeling, your lack of independence. Pregnancy served only as a catalyst for what was bound to happen sooner or later. Or maybe the pregnancy revealed hidden conflicts and his love quickly melted away. The result is the same - your paths diverged at the most inopportune moment.
Whatever the reason, his act showed that you were living in the illusion of a happy marriage. Falling in love did not become love, trust had nothing to rely on, affection turned out to be weak, a common life project did not bind you. What he was thinking doesn't matter anymore. What was your role? By understanding this, you will discover a growth zone: those changes that you need to make in yourself in order for the next relationship to develop more successfully.
Is it possible to fix everything, return it?
To answer this question, you should honestly decide: do you want everything to be the same again, or are you ready to re-build a relationship with the person who abandoned you and your common child.It is unlikely that it will be possible to glue the former family life together, or rather to recreate its illusion - it is destroyed by the unequivocal act of the husband. And how can you force another person to return to where he fled from?! Force, threats, complaints, your humiliation? Think what kind of life it would be if he returned on such terms.
It is possible to build relationships anew, but under certain conditions and with at least the minimum desire of the husband. First of all, take a long enough time-out. Do not write to him, do not call and do not meet, do not go to his pages on social networks, avoid unwanted questions from mutual acquaintances, try to be distracted when obsessive thoughts about him come flooding in.
If you can't distract yourself, make time for yourself specifically to think about your husband. For example, every day / Thursdays / three times a week from 10:00 am to 10:15 am. Do not exceed the 15-minute limit, do not set a time for thinking in the evening before bed. Be distracted by pleasant emotions and communication, things that bring you pleasure, and things that benefit your development and well-being. Live like this for at least a month.
And, no matter how paradoxical it sounds, do not let your husband invade your life during this period - it is vital for you to remain calm and think carefully about how to proceed.
Ask yourself: why do you need this person? What needs can you satisfy only with it? Who will help you meet these needs if it doesn't work out? What is acceptable and unacceptable for you in intimate relationships? What kind of relationship would you like ideally with him?
The answers to these key questions will help you determine your next course of action. Sit down, divide the sheet into two halves and write down the points: what will you personally do if he returns, and what if he does not return. Be sincere with yourself and try to imagine exactly how you will fulfill your plans, how you feel.
So, you can write that you will never, ever quarrel with your husband, but imagining how he again does what previously made you furious, you will feel an overflowing wave of anger. It is better to write how exactly you will resolve such conflicts in the future.
And another paradox: do not call him back and do not try to sort things out with him. If he wants to come back, he will come himself and say so himself. The initiative will only put you in the weak position of a humiliated petitioner, or even worse, a hysterical brawler. Activity is appropriate only if you have carefully decided to file for divorce, division of property, alimony.
Accept and empathize with the fact that you will experience various and not always pleasant emotions. To the fact that sometimes you will feel very weak, offended by the whole world, desperate or seized with a thirst for revenge.
This is normal for a person in a stressful, crisis situation. Pity yourself in moderation. Do not scold or belittle yourself - just stop doing it as soon as you catch yourself in self-depreciating thoughts. You, like any person, have the right to make mistakes and imperfections. The black streak will end sooner or later, and your fortitude and ability to resolve life's cataclysms will forever remain with you.
You are on the threshold of a new life. Soon you will become a mother and a truly adult person, able to take responsibility for yourself and for another. It costs a lot.
